:3

leaving my dreams behind.

as i look at the ceiling,

a weight lays upon me.

another day.

losing track.

i stare into my mirror.

the light has left my eyes.

was it stolen from me?

They shower me with regret.

Perceived rejection

Turning into receiving anything.

All that I do not want.

I take it with open arms.

If I wasn’t meant for what I yearned for,

I guess I’ll take something undesired.

Surely, this time

Will fulfill the craving I have.

Looking back I was mistaken.

Making decisions has never been my strong suit.

Turning down the wrong path of a skewed fork,

I miss my mark.

What I would give to know what i know now.

Is this feeling reciprocated?

i fit myself into someone else’s skin.

although it never feels quite right.

anything to cover me.

anyone who has promise.

anyone but me.

i need to shield myself from this world.

nor the past or the future,

any “me”

has or will ever know peace.

i must become another.

i must.

i have to.

a fresh start.

a new identity.

eventually makes me sick.

i cannot bear the shame.

too loud.

too much.

either too much

or nothing.

colors have no shades.

the rainbow in its division makes sense to me.

falling down,

scraping back against drywall,

screaming “why”.

can’t it be me?

can’t i comprehend

what the lord has cursed me to be?

unsatisfied and unwilling.

in a world lacking of clear lines

i do not know.

what can i love?

what can i do?

what do i have to become?

feeling a pull of emptiness

i sink into regret once more.

obsession takes over.

a cycle repeating.

same as it ever was.

a grotesque amalgamation of parts unwanted,

i cannot bear to look again.

i feel my skin melting.

morphing into something unknown by humanity.

i covered up my mirror today.

even with a veil,

i see her.

something unwanted.

something ashamed.

some creature who,

from time to time,

indulges in the fantasy

that the reflection will change.

no it’s not the sight of the reflection really,

much more a reminder of something she,

i,

knows all too well.

some things cannot change.

tomorrow i will have the courage to uncover my mirrors.

a chance at what could’ve been.

what could be.

i have been cursed with an affliction.

a desire so strong, it has never felt matched.

i must grow to be content.

an observer, my new occupation.

paid in an ache,

one i’m sure will fade away.

someday.

bide my time?

no.

that ship has long sailed.

to wait as a lover who calls for her husband,

lost at sea, never to return,

i will not be.

i cannot hang on an idea.

something fabricated within my own delusions.

i will be content to see a person i have stifled my desire for,

be happy.

whether it be with me,

or someone else,

or no one at all.

i wish them well,