SchotLife

On this most recent episode of #SchotLife, our hero encounters a quick, yet idiotic phone conversation:

Me (on the phone): Hello, this is *name of bar* How can I help you?

IC: I have a quick question... can we still get drinks to go?

Me: Yes, as long as everyone has their ID, we can serve you drinks to go.

IC: Great! Are you in a building?

Me: Yes. Yes we are located in a building...

IC: Okay, great! Where are you? Where is your building?

On this episode of #Schotlife, our hero went into cover a hosting shift for a friend’s bar. It’s her first Saturday night in a while & she is reminded why she hasn’t missed working them, At All, by one very excited young man:

Excited Idiot Customer: Oh My God! I love it in here! Can we get some more music to dance to?

Me: This our usual playlist. I’ll take a look when I get a moment but there isn’t much room to dance, so just hangout at your table for now.

EIC: *asks server* Can I do a 360° Split?! To liven up “the crowd”?!

Server: I’d really prefer you not.

*a few minutes later... EIC gets up and lifts his leg above his head, I run over to tell him to put it down...

Me: Sir! Can you ple... *he brings his leg down and KICKS ME IN THE FACE*

EIC: Oh My Gawd! Did I get you? Are you okay? I am so sorry!!!!!!

In this episode of Schotlife, our hero enjoys yet another semantic argument...

Me: Hey Guys, are you having dinner or drinks?

Idiot Customer: I don’t know.

Me: You don’t know if you’re eating?

IC: Oh no, we’re going to eat!

Me: So, dinner then?

IC: Well, I don’t know if I want to call it that...

In this episode of Schotlife, our hero has a flashback to 4 years ago... possibly a simpler time... with simpler Idiot Customers:

Idiot 21 yr old: My stomach is upset. What should I drink?

Me: Averna. It’s a digestif.

I21YO: Averna? It helps you digestive?! (Yes, that’s the word she said. Not digest)

Me/Bartender: A digestif, yes. It's an alcohol that will help you digest your food if you are full.

I21YO: Like, feel good in your intestines?

Me/B: Well, your tummy but yes.

I21YO: Will it make me shit right here?!?!

Me/B: No. I wouldn't want you to shit right here because I would have to clean it up. It's not a Kardashian cleanse, it's alcohol.

I21YO: Ok, cause I don't want to shit like the Kardashians (drinks the amaro and makes "ick" face)

Me: So, not for you?

Mom: Honey, be careful! Don’t touch it!

This is a throwback from a while ago but was just reminded of it by a bunch of other idiots out on a Saturday Night. 

White Boy: What you guys are doing [at local bar] is awesome. Is it sad that I have a college degree and I kinda want to work in a restaurant /bar?!

Me: Well, I have a college degree and I work in a restaurant. In fact, everyone who works here has a college degree.

WB: Cool. Do you think I could work as a bartender for 6 months while I'm in between jobs?

Me: No.

In this episode of Schotlife, our hero is confronted with a large group of lawyers in town for a fraternity conference. They all called each other beforehand to make sure their outfits matched so everyone would know they’ve never been to a bar before.

Lawyer with the Credit Card: Can I start a tab? I’m taking care of all of these guys. (12 morons)

Me: Sure Can!

LWTCC: I’ll have a Dogfish Head

Idiot Lawyer 1: Can I have a Long Island?

Bartender: Sure. *makes drink*....... What can I get for you?

IL2: Can I have a Long Island?

B: Anyone else want a Long Island?

The Rest of the Idiot Lawyers: *crickets*

B: What can I get you?

IL3: Can I get a Long Island?

Me: How many more Long Islands? We can make more than 1 at a time!

IL3: Just 2 more...

B: *Makes 2 Long Islands... hands to idiot lawyers...

IL4: Oh! I need a Long Island!

Me: Here’s the deal, we order all the Long Islands at once or you’re all getting Jack & Cokes.

*Group of Lawyers comes back down for 2nd round*

Me: How many Long Islands?

*Crickets*

On this special Cinco de Mayo episode of Schotlife our hero had to deal with 5 different people giving the same, very wrong answer over and over and over and over and over again.

Me: Hey Guys!  How many are you?

Idiot Customer #1: We’re 5.

Me: Are you guys eating or just drinking?

All 5 Idiot Customers: Yes.

Me: Wait, we can only seat parties that are dining. Are you having snacks and drinks or are you having full dinner?

A5IC: YES!

Me: Guys, this is an either or. I cannot seat you if all of you are not having proper dinner. Are you ALL having dinner or are just some of you having snacks and just drinks?

A5IC: Yes?

Me: I’m not giving you a table if you are just drinking and…

IC1: Oh, I’m the only one eating. The rest of them are just drinking…

Me: Great! You can get drinks here and head to the lounge. I will send you your food…

Idiot Customer #2: Oh! Can we sit here if we are just drinking?!

On this “Paw Patrol” themed episode of Schotlife, our hero nearly suffered a seizure from the chaotic lights blinking in an ever faster rhythm coming from a child’s toy. Unfortunately, she also had to deal with the Idiot Customers who had bred the monsters wielding the seizure inducing light sticks. 

Idiot Mother: We’ll be 10 people, 4 adults and 6 kids. How many highchairs do you have?

Me: We only have 2 highchairs and 2 booster seats.

IM: Really? ONLY TWO?!?!

Me: Well, we are a BAR. I would love to accommodate you as best I can but we cater more to adults over 21. 

IM: I have one of those highchairs that I can hook onto the table if...

Me: NO! We cannot let you use those as it will knock over the table. 

IM: It will be fine. 

For our Special St. Patrick’s Day episode, our hero took an order for a table full of “Chad’s”.

Me: Hi Guys, here’s the drink menu, the food menu, the...

Chad #1: We’ll have 5 burgers cooked medium!

Me: Okay. Do you guys want bacon?

Chad #2: Do we?! OH YEAH!!!

Chad #3: Can we get pitchers of beer?

Me: We don’t sell pitchers. We sell pints, cans, and bottles.

Chad #4: Wait, what kind of pitchers do you have?!

Me: We don’t. Here’s the list. Why don’t you let me put in the burgers and I’ll be right back.

Chad #1: YOU DIDN’T ORDER THE BURGERS YET?!?!

Me: I’ve been standing in front of you, and haven’t moved, this entire time.

Chad #5: Can you come back with 2 pitchers of beer?!

In this episode of Schotlife, more than a few women have decided to ignore the bouncers authority, especially the one swaying at the front door, so our hero was asked to step in & apply logic where none will acknowledge it.

Bouncer: Hey, can you tell this woman to leave? She can’t hold herself up and she kissed my hand. She needs a “woman’s perspective”. 

Drunk Customer: Oh, good! You know me!

Me: No... I do not.

DC: Come on!

Me: Ma’am, the night is over. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening somewhere else.

DC: Can’t I just have one glass of Chardonnay?

Me: We don’t even carry Chardonnay... so I guess it’s the end of the road. Have a good night.

DC: Can’t I just stay here a while?! I just want a Chardonnay. You know me!

Me: Ma’am, you are obviously intoxicated, you assaulted my bouncer, and you want to order something we physically do not have in the building. It’s after 2am (it wasn’t) so have a good night... somewhere else.

On this episode of Schotlife, our hero was entertained by a particular drink order.

Bartender: Hey Sweetie, what can I get you?

Idiot Customer: What do you have in the way of “mixed drinks” here?

B: Wait, what?

IC: Like, do you have rum? And coke?

On this special Holiday Edition of Schotlife, our Hero finds herself dealing with a typical, obnoxious table who keeps growing in size, thinks they are alone in a room full of people, and keep attempting to move their chairs/tables around the room. At one point, one of the Idiot Customers takes it too far…

Idiot Customer: *picks up heavy metal chair to shoulder height, nearly smacks his friend in the face with the chair as our hero runs over to thwart his idiotic plans*

Me: SIR! PLEASE PUT THAT DOWN!

IC: Why? I want to sit here. *motions to the only walkway in the room*

Me: No you are not. I’m putting this chair back.

IC: Why? Tell me why I cannot move the chair.

Me: If you hit this woman in the face, she is going to sue me. If you hurt yourself, you are going to sue me. It’s an issue of safely, sir. Do I come to your house and move around your furniture?

IC: No…

Me: Okay. Well, I live here so don’t move my furniture.

IC: *Goes to grab his jacket, knocks his corona over and sprays his friends with beer*

Me: *takes the beer away* Sir, please just sit down where I tell you.

IC: *grabs friend’s corona and tries to run out of the restaurant with it as the bouncer chases him down the street*