The void has me

(Don't rb my stuff with tags. Don't wanna somehow get Td.)

So...

I was made to not eat by a hallucination. (Hate calling him that.) and I hated it. Yeah, he sucks. Welcome to antagonistic psychosis.

Now, that triggered my old 3d.

I'm still not allowed to, but even if I was I can't now.

At least it's easier now that I want to not eat. So there's that.

My mental health actually Improves when I don't eat. Weird as that is.

I'm 100% pro recovery. This is just where I hope to find a comunity.

I won't post logs or sp0, cause I never want to encourage this.

I'm 30 and have dealt with this for a Long time.

18+ welcome.

I started out obese, since my recovery had me gain a ton of weight. (Years ago)

Just an insane person hoping to find some light in the darkness.

I wish you all a full recovery sooner rather than later. <3

No idea if that's real or if im hallucinating.

Regardless, it has sent the hallucinations into overdrive and I feel like shit.

No more drinking.

Not even once.

Its now caught up to me.

I can deal with any other symptom.

But nausea is the one thing I cant deal with.

Its a good thing I asked about it ig.

Or id have no ride to therapy.

Idk how.

My kcal intake was damn near 0 yesterday.

And i gained 2 days before that.

I expected my regular wl, Plus some of what I gained.

Instead I somehow maintain.

Fml

This is torture.

I have no idea how this is even possible...

I better start losing a Lot starting tomorrow.

I cant be in maintaining hell any longer...

Idk how to live with that.

My dad came over with pancakes yesterday, and I cant throw away food. So I ate them.

At least its not That much.

All i can do is lose it again.

2 days of weight gain in a row now.

Just gotta lose it again.

Oh well...

We get back up.

I can tell I'll be up all night otherwise.

I need to be able to sleep with all this food noise going on.

God damn food noise.

Hopefully i resist it.

But it wont go away.

I normally dont really get cramps, but fuck.

Apparently i do this time.

Keep in mind i gained 1.9kg right before this.

But still.

I lost it again.

Now hopefully i keep losing.

I hope the maintaining is finally over.

Even though I just lost what I gained, its a good feeling to lose it again right away.

So i can expect to lose the weight ive put on from that soon.

In a few days I should lose it.

Thank god.

Its all too much.

Even the most basic, simple games are too much.

And for eating 2 days in a row.

And my period Still hasn't shown up.

I stg i need to start losing again.

This maintaining even though im fasting is killing me.

Its so cruel.

My period better show up fucking Today.

It was a complete mess of a day yesterday thanks to staff being completely incompetent and outright insane.

Long story.

So im so drained today I had to cancel group.

And i had noodles last night.

I couldn't deal with food noise on top of everything else.

So no weigh in today.

Couldn't be fucked this morning.