The Meaning of Life (Not the Monty Python Version)

I have been thinking a lot about worthiness. There are often times when I don’t feel worthy of what I have been given and often times question God’s path for me. For the longest time I felt like I was unlovable even though God tells us He loves us unconditionally. The thing is, my childhood and upbringing did not teach me unconditional love, only love with certain conditions. It wasn’t until I became a mother did I fully understand what unconditional meant. When I begin to question God about the journey he is leading me on I remember what unconditional love means. I unconditionally love my children no matter how fresh they are behaving, no matter how many times I have to tell my four year old to stop doing something and he keeps doing it anyway. The same is true in how God feels about us. No matter how many times we make bad and wrong choices, He is there to guide us back to the right path. We are sinners. We make bad choices over and over and over again because that is how we learn. What’s the point in trying to make better choices if we’re just going to keep making the wrong ones? I have realized that those bad choices doesn’t mean that we’re bad people. I have realized that failure is one of the greatest stepping stones on our journey because without failure there cannot be success.

I’m not sure who needed to hear this today because it’s been a while since I have felt so compelled to write a blog post, but whoever you are, you are not alone.

Isaiah 35:4-5, “Say to those with fearful hearts, ‘Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.’”

I have been thinking a lot about the challenges I have faced over the course of my short 36 years so far and how far I have come. I remember growing up and being resentful that everyone else had nice things and I didn’t, that everyone else got to go on vacations and I couldn’t and that everyone else had loving parents and I didn’t. Friends let me tell you something. When I look back on my past and I take a long look at my life now I am so grateful for all of those things that I have now that I didn’t have then and I honestly think that I would not have been so grateful for what I have now if I had had those things back then.

Today’s devotional in Our Daily Bread is about trusting that God will bring us through even the darkest of storms, even when we are asking where He is and why this happened. The reading for today is Psalm 46. Now those of you who have read by blog before know that Psalm 46:10 is my scripture verse and that everywhere I go I see it. Some examples, at a TJ Maxx down the shore I found a daily planner with Be Still on the cover, at a Marshall’s I found a journal with Be Still on the cover, on a banner in the Parish house of my church, etc. Whenever I have asked God all of those questions He always gives me the same answer and it’s the answer He gives to all of us so that we trust in Him. “Be still and know that I am God.” I know that even in the midst of the darkness that sometimes surrounds us it’s hard to look up and feel His comforting presence but trust me when I tell you that He is there and He hears you, He see your tears and He’s telling you to have faith.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not gear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God.’”

Having three kids age three and under is hard work. It is loud, messy and sometimes unforgiving. This time of year it’s hard to leave the house because it’s so cold outside I don’t feel like bundling every one up just to make a trip to the library or the grocery store or the gym. I find that it’s easier to just sit inside my house closed off from outside world. Or so I tell myself.

Last night I was awake in bed from 2:30- 4:30 am contemplating my life, what I want to accomplish and why I haven’t accomplished it. I realized that I feel like I have been given mountains to climb that seem impossible to me. I then realized that the reason why I don’t leave the house isn’t really because it’s too cold outside (even though it is), but because it’s easier for me to hide behind the excuses. There are so many excuses that I use all day every day and I have to tell you, I’m sick of it and myself. My most often used excuse, I can’t go to the gym today because I have all 3 kids and it’s too hard to get them all out of the house and be on time. Yet on days when I bring my oldest to preschool guess what? We make it out of the house on time. It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong but I have to say it’s even harder to try and re-train yourself to stop making excuses. When things have to get done, they get done, so why am I not making that time to do something positive for myself? Excuses. Excuses right now are my mountain that I feel like I can’t climb. So what am I going to do about it? Start climbing.

“God only gives you what He knows you can handle.” Does that feel like a slap in the face sometimes? Why is it that because I can handle certain things I have to deal with the struggle? For example, having infant twins. The struggle is real here for me friends because I’m being pulled in so many different directions all the time that I am utterly exhausted. Now don’t get me wrong because I love them and they both fulfill me in their different ways that I never knew that I was missing or needed. So one of my greatest challenges right now is accepting that I can do this even when I think I can’t. Isaiah 64:7 reads “Yet, Lord you are our father; we are the clay and you our potter: we are all the work of your hand.” What this reads to me is that He is molding me into who He needs me to be. This is not about Him dishing out hurdles I can’t handle. It’s a shaping of my spirit and soul so that I can look back and be grateful knowing that I am my best self once the dust has settled.

The reality is, we can’t do it alone. As a stay at home Mom it’s so hard to be home all the time. It’s lonely and alienating and so easy to be discouraged when yourself and your friends all live different lives. It’s in these moments when I am feeling at my lowest that I remember who’s got my back and who’s had it since the beginning of time. Don’t give up! Take a deep breath (or two) and find your inner strength.

I have been thinking a lot lately about all of the trials and challenges that I have overcome in my short thirty-five years on this earth. A very good friend of mine tends to usually make the comment, “Friend, how is it that you turned out the way you did?” My response is usually the same; divine intervention. In a world of uncertainty and division it is He that I put my faith.

I know that the question that plagues all of us is the same; why does God allow bad things to happen. I used to be so resentful because of what I have had to face so far in my life, not realizing that I was being molded into the best version of myself. Life is hard. It is full of heartache and heartbreak, uphill battles and long tumbles downward. Looking back, if not for all of those things that I had to face I would not be the person I am today. It’s important to remember that even when we feel like we have nothing left to give, or we feel invisible, or lonely, or we can’t endure one more hardship, that there is always someone who has our backs. Psalm 116:10, “I kept faith, even when I said, ‘I am greatly afflicted!’” I encourage you to instead of counting the negatives, count the positives. Not sure if there are any positives? Start with the basics. I am alive, I have eyes to see, ears to hear. I have a wonderful family, great children, clean clothes, etc. It sounds cliché but believe me, it helps!

If there’s anything I have learned in my short thirty-five years on this earth it’s that I have a hard time listening. What I mean is that God specifically asks me to leave certain things with Him that cause me anxiety and worry and what do I do? I keep picking it back up. Why do I do that? He wants to carry my burdens so that I can rest. Instead I am up every night in the middle of the night worrying about things I shouldn’t be worrying about because He has proved time and time again that He always provides what we need.

For example, I am struggling hard right now with feeling alone. I consistently carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like I have to have everything figured out and handled perfectly. Now let me clarify, I am not really alone because I have my husband, who even though he leaves to go to work every day he does eventually come home. By definition alone means separated from others (Merriam-Webster); isolated. That is how I feel when I am home alone with a 3 year old active boy and 5 month old twin girls. The isolation is often times suffocated and I don’t know how to handle it. This is a prayer that I have prayed over and over again and the answer is always the same. Leave this with Me. I leave it for a time and then pick it back up again. Matthew 6:27 reads, “And who of you by worrying can add a single moment to your life-span?” I realized the reason why I often find myself awake and anxious in the middle of the night is because I keep picking up what I have already given to God. He doesn’t expect me to be prefect so I don’t know why I insist that I have to be.

So I guess the real question is am I really alone/isolated or is that just the place I keep putting myself in?

Here are a couple of other verses that are constant reminders that even though I feel alone, I am not alone.

Philippians 4:6- Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Psalm 94:19- When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 34:4- I prayed to the Lord and he answered me, He freed me from all my fears.

Proverbs 3:5- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.