𝐊𝐎𝐑𝐎𝐋 𝐑𝐄𝐙𝐍𝐈.

there’s a wave of awkwardness between them that she wishes would ease up, through zoya tries to ignore the twinge in her chest as he speaks so nonchalantly at the notion of having to marry another - foolish hope had leaked into her bloodstream last night, her mind fights against it all, it’s a losing battle. she knows that no matter their feelings, ravka came first for them both and nothing could change that.    ❛   well they don’t want you for your ever so charming personality.   ❜    one corner of her mouth twitches upward playfully.

zoya sits down on an empty corner of his desk, hands moving down to rest flat at thighs in attempt to quieten the nagging urge to reach out to him.    ❛   you look like you need a break, nikolai.   ❜    glancing over the cluttered desk for a moment then back to him, she doesn’t even realise that she’s curling a lock of his hair back into place until it was too late to pull away.

𝐒𝐇𝐄  𝐅𝐈𝐓𝐒  𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅  𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐎  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐊  𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇  𝐒𝐔𝐂𝐇  𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄  𝐀𝐍𝐃  𝐄𝐀- se  and  he  thinks  about  how  easy  it  would  be  to  reach  out  to  her.  instead,  he  laces  his  fingers  together as  she  speaks.  the  mention  of  his  possible  brides  causes  a  wave  of  mild  panic  to  wash  over  him.  and  i  don’t  want  them,  is  what  he  doesn’t  say.  he  knows  who  he  wants,  and  he  knows  he  can’t  have  that  ;  won’t  have  that.

falling into the usual routine is easy, duty before anything else, a worthy distraction that kept both thoughts and heart away from yearning for something that had no chance of a future. nikolai needed to marry for ravka, and ravka would never allow someone like her to be queen - their feelings had no say on the subject. at the very least, she’d stay by side as his commander and friend. that was more than enough for her. 

there’s no avoiding him, zoya’s sure if she tried to keep away that it’d end up as gossip too and she’d rather not have to hear those types of whispers today.    ❛    you made an impression last night.    ❜    not bothering to knock, ignoring the way her entire body seems to hurt at the sight of him. arms fold under her chest as she walks to hs desk and leans one hip into the wood, her manner colder than she wanted it to be, but there was little room for warmth without her heart betraying her foolishly.    ❛    princesses practically begging for your hand.    ❜    

𝐒𝐇𝐄  𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌  𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓  𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐃𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐃  𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐒  𝐀𝐍𝐃  𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎- lai immediately  looks  up  from  the  blueprints  spread  across  his  desk.  for  a  moment  it  feels  as  though  every  bit  of  oxygen  is  pulled  from  his  lungs.  he  brushes  it  off,  straightens  his  back  and  pushes  the  blueprints  aside.  when  she  speaks,  the  corners  of  his  mouth  lift  upward.  that  is,  until  he  realizes  she’s  talking  about  his  possible  suitors.

the night before washes down the drain, no longer could she feel the warmth of his hands against skin - although there’s dark marks at hips making it harder for zoya to pretend that nothing was worth remembering. luckily those reminders are hidden safely under uniform, a secret only the two knew of. every glance in the mirror causes her to wince slightly, as hair in pinned up she tries not to notice the obvious pain in eyes and forces herself to stop feeling, refuses to allow mind to drift and acknowledge the bitter guilt that won’t budge at the fact she left nikolai to wake up alone as if he was just another person. 

instead of the usual routine, zoya decides to skip getting breakfast and finds herself returning to outside the ballroom, ignoring the loud whispers of the palace staff. she breathes in the cold morning air with a smile, forearms leaning on the balcony as eyes watch the city begins to stir from its slumber. a sight that’d never get old. her love for ravka undeniable. 

𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐓𝐄  𝐇𝐈𝐒  𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑  𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐌𝐎𝐈𝐋,  𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈  𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐘  𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐒  𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎  𝐇𝐈𝐒   routine.  perhaps  it’s  something  that  had  been  ingrained  into  his  consciousness  from  a  very  young  age.  ravkan  princes  weren’t  allowed  to  by  swept  up  by  their  emotions.  ravkan  princes  were  supposed  to  nod  and  smile.  they  did  not  show  weakness.  (  at  least  that’s  what  his  father  had  called  it  ).  that  same  mentality  was  adopted  into  the  army,  and  on  the  seas.  whatever  emotional  turmoil  nikolai  experienced,  as  nikolai  or  as  sturmhond,  he  buried  it.  concealed  it  behind  a  false  sense  of  bravado  and  cocky  smile.  at  some  point,  it  becomes  a  force  of  habit.