LEANINGS

A true heart in full bloom, with luscious reds, deep forest greens, and wildflowers drenched in morning dew.

I feel the light inside dimming

Somedays I don’t feel it at all

I have to stay strong all the time

and it’s exhausting

Somedays I want to put it out myself

You won’t feel it flow through the leaves

You won’t feel it on your face

and there’d be nothing that touches your hair

We’ll be stuck together and nothing will move

I learned that I wasn’t special, that I didn’t matter as much as I thought I did.

It was a time of disappointment. The shattering of a million illusions. The same ones that had protected me for such a long time. I stood on the precipice of a world I didn’t really know.

Lost.

I changed myself for others, I used people and people used me too. I let them. I tried to destroy my former self because that was the problem to begin with.

Time doesn’t fix you at all. It doesn’t fix anything, but it does mould you. It teaches you that certain thongs (things) are always going to hurt (I had to keep that typo in 😉😬)

I made a lot of mistakes and most of all I let myself down. That’s the worst thing you can ever do. Don’t give up on yourself just because someone else did. Learn to support yourself, learn to be there for yourself.

This isn’t an excuse to become devoid of empathy either. Don’t be selfish, think of decisions, think of circumstances, cause and effect, you know, cool stuff like that. It will help you understand the bigger picture, the one we all seemingly choose to ignore.

I tried so hard to do what was expected of me, what I thought people needed from me. But in the end, I realised nobody needed anything at all. Rather that I needed them to say it, that someone needed me. I needed to hear it.

But all you need is to listen to yourself. Do the right thing because you always know what that is. Hate is lazy, revenge is short-sighted. Be the bigger person because someone has to be, and yes, you don’t really get much out of it. To be immortal you must first survive mortality.

Love isn’t mine or yours to control. People are going to love you and leave you. Some people get to have it, some people don’t. There is no absence of it though, it’s everywhere. Especially within you. Love yourself completely, because chances are that other people won’t.

I tried hard to rationalise with myself that love doesn’t really exist. It’s the comfort of intimacy. We love to share our lives and we’re scared of loneliness. We want to make someone else laugh. Makes sense. I too have a great sense of humour, no reason to keep it to myself. Don’t be afraid of being lonely. It isn’t easy, but it is manageable. Don’t be secluded.

Allow yourself to grieve, but remember that grief and sadness are addictive. There is a lot of comfort to be found there. Feeling sorry for yourself only goes so far and nothing is going to make getting over that hill easy for you. Emphasis on hill.

Forgive yourself for not always saying the perfect thing. You are only human. Remember that others are too. Believe in second chances but not thirds. There is no such concept. Some people can change and some people won’t.

After all the cynicism and self-destruction, I still couldn’t tear myself from the concept of love. Call me a romantic and a dreamer. I’ll take both those compliments. I know exactly who I am now. I believe in magic, and childish things that have no real effect on the world. I think of the progression of time and how the world will look later. Probably going to need a robot dog by then.

On most days, the world is a dark place and humanity is evil, cruel and unfair. Civilisations always have been so, and It shouldn’t surprise us anymore. Perhaps where you are, kindness is nowhere to be found. What should make you hold on is that hope, that there will be kindness somewhere and someday. Somewhere there is that peace that exists only for you. We know what we are and that is why we seek answers. To justify. And that is okay.

Believe whatever you need to believe in. But know that you are not better than anyone; also that the wrong people probably get more than they deserve. At least the ones you consider the wrong kind. Be better, think bigger and don’t hurt people - whatever you do. Don’t harm another human. It seems to work well enough for robots, so why not us?

But I digress. The point is to reach the end of the race and do as little damage as possible. Don’t let society or anyone else control you, or dictate what you should look like and say. Most of all don’t seek their validation. Don’t waste time on that shit. Believe me cause I wasted a decade.

It’s terrifying to see you in my dreams

I get scared of how real your touch feels

I feel afraid because I want to slip deeper