rook

      “Lost cause, but keeps me busy,” it’s not like Cassian to get attached to lost causes or waste precious time on them. So he must think there was some hope of repairing the med droid, however fleeting. Then maybe it’s just the way he found to cope, pour all his time and energy into a dead end. A silence settles between them for a moment, the shuffle of cards the only sound before he finally decides to break it with a tentative question: “How are you doing?”

      Cassian’s eyes rose up, cup of caff beside him, the pieces of the dismantled droid once more scattered over the table. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he seemed calm somehow, distracted enough to brush away that haunted look he often carried. 

      He doesn’t say anything to Bodhi, not about his presence there, or the obvious insomnia they both share, there’s no need, the know. A metallic arm is left on the table as he scoots over, leaving room for him on the bench.  

          words  aren’t  needed  -  he  can  read  the  movement  well  enough  to  cross  the  room  and  drop  himself  to  the  bench  beside  cassian.  the  warn  pack  of  cards  is  drawn  from  his  pocket,  something  near  cautious  in  how  he  shuffles  them  from  their  box.  there  isn’t  much  he  owns;  these  cards  are  his,  are  something  he  can  hold,  something  solid.

      “Excellent,” there’s a guilty relief betrayed in Cassian’s eyes, the look of things going according to plan and all that entails. The moment they set foot in Malastare, Bodhi will be in danger, he already is, and yet he needs him. He needs someone who knows what they are looking at, who understands the gears in the Empire’s operations in the planet, the kind of things no one but an Imperial cargo pilot can know, the things no one bothers to learn, not even Cassian.

      He stays quiet, as a co-pilot should, simply sending their codes to the Star Destroyer hoping that’s enough to grant them passage. Through the corner of his eyes he looks at Bodhi, already piecing together a plan in case things go wrong. The only way out is pushing to hyperspace before they get blown to pieces, if they manage, if —

      “Shuttle SX-0408, you’re cleared for landing on pad B14, please acknowledge.” 

      There’s again, that sigh of relief, a smile teasing the corners of his mouth as he stares at Bodhi. Easy part is over. Now to the hard part. 

          he’s  done  this  before.  countless  times.  it’s  easy  to  say  that,  though,  and  not  fret  about  it.  he’s  done  this  before,  but  before  he  was  such  a  different  person.  before  he  didn’t  have  anything  to  hide.  the  smile  cassian  gives  him  has  bodhi’s  throat  working  for  a  moment  before  he  hits  the  comm  with  a  finger  that  only  slightly  shakes.

          “sx - 0408,  acknowledged.  coming  in to  - to  b14.”  the  stumble  is  only  slight,  a  waver  in  his  throat  and  a  quick  shake  of  the  head.  it’s  all  good,  though.  it’s  working.  he  wishes  that  would  bolster  him  -  make  this  whole  thing  feel  less  like  a  death  wish,  but  it  doesn’t.  the  pit  of  dread  that  has  settled  in  his  stomach  does  not  waver  despite  his  wishing  it  would.  that  would  make  this  all  a  little  easier.

               READY TO MOVE OUT AND EXPLORE, Rey was held back by the other when told that two minds would be of more use than one.  Though she could not argue with that logic, she also knew that one mind was better than no minds.  Her eyes briefly narrowed in frustration, but she did not want to waste any longer on arguing about what to do, Rey  tightened  her grip on her staff and inhaled before peeking around the metal corner of the ship.

                                  “      Looks like the coast is  clear  …      ”

“   TERRABE?   think  i  might’ve  heard  a  few  things.   considering  it  the  empire  we’re  talking  about,  it’s  never  anything  good.   sure  it’s  the  same  across  the  board.     ”          there’s  a  pause,  if  only  to  reflect  on  the  years  he’d  given  the  empire,  which  hardly  outnumbered  those  he’d  given  the  white  worms.   which  was  worse,  was  something  up  for  debate.          “     if  i  wasn’t  intent  on  getting  back  to  corellia,  i  probably  woulda  flunked  my  own  starfighter  testing.   guess  i  had  a  little  more  drive  back  then.   didn’t  matter  though.  you  do  one  thing  wrong  and  its  too  the  front  lines  with  you.   tie  fighter  pilot  or  not.   one  thing  i  learned  quick  with  the  empire,  you’re  nothing  but  a number.  expendable  at  best.     ”

he  wonders  how  different  it  is  within  the  rebellion.   every  side  played  the  same  game.   different  reasons,  same  means  to  an  end.   as  each  day  passes,  it’s  a  game  of  who  wins  today,  who  will  win  tomorrow.   if  han  thinks  about  it  too  hard,  however,  the  voice  in  the  back  of  his  head  starts  to  sound  all  the  more  convincing.   war  was  no  place  for  a  man  like  him,  but  finding  comfort  in  knowing  that  he  wasn’t  alone  made  things  easier.          “     let’s  just  hope  this  rebellion  is  a  little  different.     ”

          it’s  hard,  to  break  from  that  line  of  thinking.  the  way  his  spine  straightens  when  certain  eyes  pass  over  him,  willing  them  to  skip  over  him  -  it’s  better  to  be  unnoticed,  to  be  glossed  over  and  unseen  than  be  seen  doing  something  wrong.  how  often  had  he  ducked  his  head  as  a  classmate  was  punished,  or  had  turned  a  blind  eye  to  an  empty  seat  that  had  been  filled  the  day  before?  “i  think  it  is.”  he  manages  enough  confidence  that  even  he  believes  it.  bodhi  has  to  believe  it.

STARTER || @scarifd​

“What are you going to do?” It was a favorite past time of soldiers, to play the game of what would it be like when the war was over?  Making plans, even if you never got to see them, somehow helped the long periods of terrible waiting.  “When it’s all over– what’s the first thing you’re going to do?” 

     “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he seems to be picking his words carefully, trying to avoid that tempting instinct of making excuses for himself. ‘No, I wasn’t there,’ ‘I was just a medic,’ ‘I was already leaving them,’ it’s not what Bodhi needs to hear and it doesn’t matter in the end, does it?. He knew the kind of things Saw did, and he still had stayed with him all that time. Not even he can figure out if he wants to blame or forgive the man for his crimes, if he admired or hated him. Saw is dead, so are his partisans, dragging Bodhi into his own confusion won’t make anyone any good. 

He looks up, towards the hangar, unsure if he’s done the right thing even bringing it up. “You would have known sooner or later,” he decides, “I just— wanted to give you the chance to choose a different doctor, if you’re not comfortable with me treating you.” He finally manages the courage enough to look him in the eye. “Just think about it, okay? You don’t even have to give your decision to me. Just let the med-bot know and they’ll assign you to someone else.

          “no,  i  -”  bodhi  looks  ahead  rather  than  over  at  ikal,  brow  drawn  and  hands  limp  by  his  sides.  it  just  takes  a  moment,  a  long  moment  for  him  to  reconcile  these  truths.  ikal  is  kind,  or  at  least  always  has  been  to  bodhi.  ikal  had  worked  with  saw,  had  likely  known  about  the  bor  gullet,  had  been  on  jedha,  too.  both  can  be  true  at  once.  bodhi  likes  to  think  he  is  not  irredeemable  for  his  past  deeds,  for  his  turning  a  blind  eye  to  what  he  had  been  delivering  and  to  whom.  there  is  room  for  both  in  one  person;  he  has  to  believe  that  much.  he  has  to,  or  else  he  could  not  live  with  the  guilt  of  it  all.

      “Talk to other pilots, get information from them, check their operation,” Cassian looks relaxed, whether it’s for Bodhi’s sake or he’s simply that confident in the mission. He’s been working with Alliance Intelligence for a long time, the few who know vaguely about what he does speak of days even months deep undercover at some star destroyer, within the Core Worlds, walking and breathing as one of them. What that mas do to someone’s head — “It’s just intelligence gathering, no one will get hurt, they won’t even know we were there.” He assures him and there’s a half smile that’s just so believable, he must be pulling his tricks on Bodhi, yet again. “You just got to get me there, I’ll be the charm,” the smile widens and he gives him a quick conspiratorial wink, the lights of hyperspace disappearing behind the outlines of his face. 

      A bluish and green planet appeared behind the viewport, right outside its atmosphere, a star destroyer hovered like a menacing shadow growing bigger and bigger as they came closer. 

          it  seems  too  easy.  like  the  sort  of  thing  that  can  go  sideways  all  too  easily.  bodhi  still  half - expects  someone  to  call  the  alarm  the  first  time  they  see  his  face;  the  empire  wants  him  dead,  and  are  willing  to  pay  a  lot  of  creds  to  see  it  done.  cassian  doesn’t  seem  worried  about  it,  brushed  off  the  fear  of  being  recognized,  but  bodhi  cannot  tuck  away  that  fear  so  easily.  who’s  to  say  a  sack  won’t  be  thrust  over  his  head  and  he’ll  be  dragged  away  to  a  pit  with  -  no.  bodhi  focuses  on  the  wide,  bright  smile  on  cassian’s  face  and  forces  himself  to  swallow  back  the  fright  at  the  sight  of  the  planet  and,  worse,  the  star  destroyer  looming  above  it.

 “   WE   HAVE   NO   CONTROL   OF   OUT   HEARTS,   ”         gaze   lowers,   but   the   smile   on   her   lips   feels   heavy.         “   we   like   to   think   we   do.   that   it   belongs   to   us,   but   it   doesn’t.   ”

      “Okay,” he nods, one last tap on Bodhi’s shoulder before heading back to the copilot seat. There’s still time to kill, and the hours until they reach destination will be awkward, but perhaps they’ll work to ease them back into focus. However simple, the mission is still at the heart of a planet under Imperial control, being distracted could be fatal. It’s hardly the time to get sidetracked with pointless arguments and feelings.

      It’s almost daunting the way he instantly gets back to work, his mind so effortlessly compartmentalising that which isn’t necessary for success of the mission. There’s not an outright attempt of ignoring Bodhi, but he figures it’s better to finish his work and be ready when they get there. He only talks to him again some time before landing, giving him as much as a thorough briefing as he can with the information at hand. They are meant to pass as two pilots, arriving to pick up cargo. There will be a couple of hours between arrival and departure that will give them room to check the intelligence given, look for weak spots and things that could have been overseen. 

      “Think about this as just another cargo pickup, nothing more,” he assures him. “Just do what you’d normally do, leave the rest to me.”

          bodhi  trails  behind,  taking  half  a  moment  to  try  and  sort  his  thoughts  the  same  way  it  seems  cassian  can  -  so  easily  tucking  something  away  because  it  isn’t  most  pertinent  in  the  moment  is  something  bodhi  is  not  sure  how  to  feel  about;  envious  in  some  ways  and  so  glad  he  cannot  in  others.  putting  away  how  much  he  cares  about  the  other  into  some  quiet  corner  of  his  mind  is  something  bodhi  thinks  would  feel  empty.  concern  lingers  in  the  pit  of  his  stomach  as  he  sits  quietly  beside  cassian,  watching  the  space  before  them,  fiddling  with  controls  every  so  often,  wondering  how  things  will  go  wrong  when  they  arrive.

          it’s  easy  enough,  in  theory.  but  bodhi  was  -  it  feels  like  a  different  lifetime.  he  smiled  easier,  then.  played  the  fool  to  snatch  some  creds  in  a  game  of  sabacc  between  some  of  the  other  pilots,  unless  one  recognized  him  and  told  the  others  to  watch  out  for  that  one  with  a  laugh  under  their  breath.  there  wasn’t  this  weight  on  his  shoulders  and  these  bags  beneath  his  eyes.

      “Not— particularly, I don’t know. Do you mind if we walk?” He doesn’t feel like having that conversation in the med bay, even if it’s just them and a couple of droids. He’s patient however, waits for Bodhi before guiding him outside, hands buried in the pockets of his faded uniform. “I’m sorry about the mystery,” he sounds more certain, as if somewhere along the walk he found once again that calm that glows at his core, keeps him centred and clear minded. “I just didn’t know how to say this, but I feel like you deserve to know,” there’s a pause as they walk outside, keeping to the sidelines, away from the rushing pilots and technicians, “I was in Jedha when it happened,” he peers at him with a side glance, careful. He’s not sure if its a good idea to unearth that kind of trauma, “I was a partisan, with Saw—, ” there’s a dull ache in his eyes he doesn’t bother to hide, yet he keeps it away from his face for Bodhi’s sake, trying to appear as neutral as he can.

          “oh  -  sure,”  bodhi  stands,  taking  half  a  moment  to  make  sure  his  boots  are  tied  and  he  hasn’t  forgotten  anything,  before  following  along  with  ikal.  i  don’t  know  is  a  concerning  response  to  asking  if  anything  is  wrong,  and  a  line  of  tension  has  formed  between  bodhi’s  brows,  “no  -  no,  take  your  time,”  he  insists  at  the  apology  -  if  anyone  ought  to  let  others  have  time  to  think  about  what  they  say  before  getting  it  out,  it’s  surely  bodhi;  he  understands  struggling  to  scrape the  words  together  into  something  understandable,  much  less  something  he  really  wants  to  say.

IT’S NOT THE SAW SHE KNEW,   but it sounds like something the saw he’d become would do.   on wrea he’d been angry and bitter and ready to spit fire at anyone who’d looked at him like they might betray him one day—she has no doubt that he’d arm himself with something that could reveal a person’s truths whether they’re willing or not and there’s nowhere to hide in your own mind.   not really.

it’s not guilt that creeps up the back of her throat.   she’s not sure what it is, acidic and upsetting where it settles under he tongue.   saw is the one to blame for bodhi sitting in front of her the way he is now, but he’s not alone in his guilt.   galen did this, too.   the empire.   the rebels.   he’s another victim of something bigger than himself that reached down into the darks of obscurity to pull him into a battle he didn’t need to fight and now he’s paying for it more than most would, more than those higher in rank than him ever would.   it’s not fair.

she squeezes his hand.   “i’m sorry.” a murmurs, trying hard to sound sincere—she’s not sure she succeeds, she’s forgotten how real people actually speak to each other.   “you didn’t deserve that.”

          maybe  he  did.  it’s  a  quiet  thought,  but  one  that  has  snaked  its  way  through  his  mind  the  longer  bodhi  dwells  on  it.  maybe  he  did  deserve  it  -  all  of  it.  there  is  something  horribly  poetic  about  it,  about  flying  kyber  crystals  surely  mined  in  jedha  to  imperial  bases  and  watching  his  home  destroyed  by  those  very  things  when  he  decided  to  try  and  stop  it  all.  fingers  flex  around  hers,  a  quick,  gentle  squeeze,  before  he  withdraws  his  hand.

          bodhi  needs  to  clear  his  mind.  he  needs  to  -  think  about  something  else,  force  his  brain  to  stop  thinking  of  something  prodding  into his  memories.  it’s  done.  so  long  as  he  remembers  that,  it’ll  be  -  not  fine,  but  he  can’t  just  sit  here.  there  are  still  things  to  do.  so  many  more  insurmountable  things  that  can  go  so  horribly  wrong.  the  smile  he  offers  jyn  doesn’t  reach  his  shadowed  eyes.