♯ be - alright . mp3

     apologies aren’t sought out, nor are they in need   –   & all they do is convince sawyer she should be offering ones herself  :  for putting her boyfriend on the spot without the reminder that  ANYBODY  could’ve used. but neither of them should. not for something like this. not today. a small package, wrapped in silver parchment and a twisty bow taped on top, is scooped up and the space between them is closed for a second time. she hops up on the bed beside him, leaving her gift on the duvet between them.   “   no, lou   –   i didn’t expect you to remember.   ”   the older begins.   “   i mean, there’s not even like, an official, official date to remember. except now… maybe there could be.   ”   she shrugs, eye - contact abandoned and eyes drift to tinted nails   (    soft peach, bordering on a pastel pink   –   another paint job long overdue.   )   self - consciousness oughtn’t be a factor to any of this, but it is. it’s an emotion so suffocating sawyer disallows herself a moment’s breath, a girl rushing through the motions to justify and explain.   “   and look,   ”   she starts again, small box brought up   –   rattling with each erratic movement.   “   it’s tiny, practically nothing.   ”   another shrug.   “  so don’t even worry about it. okay, just don’t.   ”  beat.  “   because it’s totally not a big deal. i mean, most people don’t even celebrate the sixth month, anyway. it’s like, a total MIDDLE SCHOOL move on my part.   ”   a laugh, and she goes on.    “   i don’t know, i just wanted to do something. ‘cos   –   ”   inhale.   “   i guess it’s a big deal to me. not the  half - versary  but…  ”  the pause that follows exposes her speech for its EXCESSIVE nature, to herself mostly, and a voice lowers an octave in response.   “   you.   ”

     there’s something FUNDAMENTALLY EMBARRASSING about keeping your heart on your sleeve. she’s LOVING : to a fault, to an extreme, but when it dabbles in genuine sentiment fear sets in   –   conjuring butterflies and uncertainties. she loves her FAMILY and she loves her FRIENDS yet her affections remain unadulterated in the context of platonic. with boyfriends, however, or rather   –   boyfriend   –   it was  HARDER  :  challenging, uncharted. she lets him move through the room while she stays put, a shoulder propped up against the doorframe as she waits. and she’s already feeling the flush of bronzed cheeks. it’s stupid, really. everything about it.   “   the lady at the store tried to wrap ‘em for me. and i mean, yeah   –   i guess TECHNICALLY it’s like, a present. sorta. but she brought out this balloon wrapping paper, so i’m pretty sure she thought i was getting them for my kid cousin or something. anyways…   ”   she finishes, a flick of the light and the room goes DARK. with the exception of luminescent lights   :   a ceiling speckled with plastic stars, glowing a  SICKLY GREEN  in the gloom.   “   you can look now.   ”   she starts, approaching an organized desk rather than the boy in her bed.   “   it’s, uh   –   it’s been six months since we like, started dating.   ”   beat.   “   and i know i’m a TOTAL GIRL for remembering so don’t even––   ”   sawyer warns, although no threat is to be found in her remark. rather, a soft chuckle follows it.   “   i got you something.   ”   another pause.   “   something less stupid.   ”   

     summer heat slips through the open window, curtains swaying in the july wind, and patience runs  THIN   –   unruly curls flipping over bronzed shoulders and dress strap sliding down all the same as sawyer moves through her bedroom. the sun settled long ago but the warmth remains, radiating from the windowsill where a collection of snow globes gather. one from her grandparents small town of winsconsin, another bought in the ski resort visited years ago, and a third gifted to her by sienna   –   presumably a thrift store reject. she likes them. not enough to commit to a  full - blown  collection, but enough. enough to keep them on display, turning them  UPSIDE  DOWN  on nights she cannot sleep. normally illuminated by the moon’s light, they are now brought to life by the one on her ceiling, a room kept bright and awake as she paces   –   back and forth, and back again. then, when another thought of WHEN strikes, the door cracks open. she’d left the one downstairs unlocked, less bothered by the potential intruder than idea of not being  DONE  by the time he arrives. space between them is cut with the skipping of her feet, and with a moment’s notice she lands before him.   “   hi !   ”   she begins, relieving him of the opportunity to respond   –   glossed lips pressed against his, smile re - shaping.   “   i got something to show you.   ”   closeness relinquished, she goes on.   “   go lay down… and close your eyes.   ”

     UNEXPECTED, and a smile grows. it’s a soft commentary which doesn’t go unappreciated, but nevertheless, it feels as if uncharted territory. like she cannot swallow it whole, instead obliged to poke at it, water it down with childish quips and playful banter.   “   what was that, i couldn’t quite catch––   ”   cut off by ruffled curls, she lets out a squeak.    “   hey !   ”   her hair, once tailored to her satisfaction, now laid disheveled across her scalp. a middle part kind of girl now rocking what could only be considered a sloppy side part.   “   you’re such an ass, beckett.   ”   harsh adjective chosen but her voice carries none of the edge. it remains as sugary as always, perhaps PITCHED in faux offense. and then, without warning, she hops up against a taller frame  –  hands running through styled hair, tousling it the same as he had hers  (  and then some. go big or go home.  )   “   how do you like that, huh ? a whooole jar of  FANCY - SCHMANCY  hair gel… wasted !   ”

     eyes squint at the ceiling above, and she ponders the practicality of bright tiles and  FLICKERING  fluorescents. END OF JUNE, and the store’s lights hurt her eyes more than the sun outside. a  PROBLEM,  definitely. one of the many she was having that day.   “   you have to take this seriously!   ”   sawyer rolls over to her side, coming face to face with rhys mckinley   –   the worst person to go furniture shopping with, to date at least.   “   i’m serious. you wanna know why i’m serious? ‘cause if the mattress’ it’s too soft or if it’s too hard…   –   DON’T,   ”   index finger pokes at his chest, a warning to swallow whatever reaction to her accidental innuendo.   “   i’ll get back pains. and if i get back pains, i could end up in one of those braces,   –   and with scoliosis!   ”   on the dramatic side but it gets her point across. never mind that she thoroughly believed in what she was saying.   “   we’re facing a  LIFE OR DEATH  situation in the middle of this ikea, rhys. and i need you to make an informed, and unbiased, decision for me,   –   my entire future is on the line here.   ”   a pregnant pause and she goes on.   “   so… this one, or   –   any of the other FIFTY.   ”   her theatric dramatization comes to an end here, and she cracks : smile, giggles and all. 

     THUNDER  breaks out above, but the story told gets her attention, undivided and far from muddled by weather predictions.  “  yeah, ‘cos strawberry shortcake’s awesome.  ”  sawyer begins, despite an unsureness of when she last had cake, let alone of that particular flavor.  “ and now you’ve taken over! doing a splendid job, by the way.  ”  she grins back at her sister, satisfied with a childish quip made. but its a mood that’s hard to maintain, given the circumstance, and a smile falters with immediacy. for the nostalgia sweeps over her like a warm blanket  –  offering another layer of  PROTECTION  from the storm brewing, tucking her in with stories of a childhood almost forgotten. she remembers, of course, a lot of it. but not ENOUGH. it’d never be enough. the re - tellings, the home videos, and the family album… it would never fully substitute for the real thing. it could get close, though, and sawyer wanted to get closer.  “  – … tell me more. about, like  –  before here.  ”

     SUN - RAYS  decorate the kitchen, highlighting all that was good  –  starting from the childhood drawings pinned to the refrigerator, working their way along the wall to family portraits. they continued that way, throughout the entirety of the room  –  ingredients on the counter emphasized by its light, utensils radiating the same warmth offered. and then, it settles on him, which to her–at least–was the best of it. consequential thinking, and a general focus, goes out the same window in circumstances such as these.  IT IS SILLY  –  to feel a fluttering heart, and for cheeks to grow rosy, with every touch. but even as it is a painful reminiscing of romance novels purchased and consumed aplenty, it is her reality as much as anything else. fingertips tracing the neckline of his t-shirt, she gives his words every ounce of attention she could muster  –  without taking much from what’s already given him. it is spoken without prediction, and it is the cause for a smile to form, and thus, she obliges. arms wrapped around the younger, and lips  re - unite.

     a conversation with her  EX - BOYFRIEND  isn’t complete without the one - eighty topic change. one that usually knocks her on her ass, she never could predict it. usually of a sexual nature, sure, but she wasn’t as VERSED as beckett to foresee its exact contents. mouth falls agape but is quickly clammed up once more as laughter erupts.  “  NU-HUH! that’s where i draw the line, mister.  ”  she starts, a playful shove made against his shoulder.  “ afraid you’re just gonna have to get one of your own. you know, a booooyfriend.  ”  the grin plastered onto bronze features is one partially as a jesting addition, though about eighty percent was directly derived from her  ENJOYMENT  of calling lou just that.  “  besides, what makes you think his mind hasn’t already been blown?  ” brows quirked, and she opts to another theatric endeavor  –  this time feigned offense, a sprinkle of arrogance thrown on top.  “  is this some subtle dig at my skills ‘cos i won’t have it, buddy. i’m a TOTAL CATCH.  ”  you should know.