Meloncholy

I told myself I wouldn’t self-sabotage a relationship again, but I did.

I told myself I wouldn’t say anything negative about myself again either, because the Bible says I can’t rise above my own confession. But I did. 

I refuse to be tormented by thoughts that always highlight the negative parts of me when there are so many positive parts of me.

I love myself. I have people that genuinely love me as well. I’m not going to push them away anymore. I’m going to accept their love and return it 10 fold.

Why wouldn’t anyone genuinely like me?

I’m a nice person.

I’m a generous person.

I have an amazing sense of humor.

I stop confrontations.

I’m a fun-loving girl.

I’m comforting.

I’m rational.

I’m goal-oriented.

Thank you God for blessing me with an amazing life. I’ve given me grace where I needed grace, favor where I needed favor, and relief whenever I needed it. I should never have any real reason to complain because you’ve organized my life in such a way that I never have to deal with any “real” problems. You’ve had me encounter countless amounts of people with harder, more difficult lives then me so the fact that i’ve let the Enemy and my own fleshly thoughts control my mindset for so long is sad and (I declare in your name) will NEVER be the case again. 

I will stop paying attention to negative thoughts.

I will start focusing on my positive thoughts.

I will stop thinking selfishly.

I will start being more mindful of other people and their feelings.

I will stop turning everything and everyone against me.

I will start focusing on YOU and YOUR will for my life.

I will stop self-loathing.

I will start loving the amazing person you’ve made me.

I feel like I’ll never be pretty enough to meet in person.

I feel like I’ll never be able to talk comfortably on the phone like a normal person.

I feel like i’ll never be comfortable in regular social interactions.

I feel like i’ll never be able to stop caring about what others thing of me.

I feel like other people’s thought will always emotionally destroy me.

I feel like i’ll never have true freinds.

I feel like a guy would never find me all around attractive.

I feel like other girls, and other people in general will always have one up on me.

I feel like shit.

But I know this is ALL a lie. I know that these thoughts are nothing but figments of my imagination, highly inflated to make me anxious and ignore my truth. I will never let these thoughts, or any thoughts like it, destroy me. EVER. I WILL know my truth, I WILL stand in my truth, and I WILL be confident within what God has made me.

I’m starting to realize one of my worst fears is getting older yet accomplishing less then other people in my age group. On one hand it’s a pretty bullshit ass fear because i’ve done alot things others my age usually haven’t, but then on the other hand I do still feel like i’m always 3 steps behind everyone else. Maybe its because some of my relatives (in my age group) always made fun of me for not being as street smart as them, as in most of the things they learned about life at 15, I didn’t fully realize until  recently in my 20s. I still get shy when talking about sex, I still have a fear of cursing, I still feel uncomfortable when men make a pass at me, and I still get weird when meeting new people...most times anyway. In many ways i’m still a child, and I hate feeling like that so much. Its hard to stop feeling uncomfortable about certain things when i’ve never really been practiced in them. I feel like if i’d had freinds growing up or was more social in general, I would have learned alot of this alot sooner. 

It’s whatever though.

This video helps alot, the main tip that stuck with me is to “Challenge Your Negative Thoughts”.

Like your negative thoughts can get crazy and keep you from doing things you wish you felt comfortable doing (talking to people, going to social events, etc), but if you challenge them or clapback on them, it’ll help you realize that most of those negative thoughts were bullshit to begin with.

Example:

Your Thoughts: They’re not going to like you.

Challenge: Why wouldn’t they like me?

Your Thoughts: You’re going to be awkward around them.

Challenge: What’s there to be awkward about? They’re just trying to get to know me.

Your Thoughts (or specifically, the way my thoughts usually go..): They’re going to figure out you have no freinds because of how awkward you are and assume no one’s ever liked you in your whole life and that there must be a reason people don’t like you because people don’t just dislike people for no reason so they’ll be looking for that reason. You’ll be written off as an outcast within a couple minutes of knowing them.

Challenge: Or i’ll actually do a good job keeping up in the conversation and end on a good note with them.

When you’re sad about not having freinds to invite you out to places, but also know if you were invited you’d just reject them because you prefer to stay home and watch YouTube anyway.

I feel like i’m at a point in my life where i’m willing to deal with whatever consequences I get from my plentious self-sabotages. It’s like its all about getting out of the situation to me now.... For instance, within the last 2 weeks I just quit both of my jobs due to petty reasons. 

Let me give you some brief background before I get into it..I’d interviewed for both jobs around the same time and ended up getting them both around the same time (2 months ago). Prior to these jobs i’d been unemployed for months and got behind on a lot of debt so I figured the income from both jobs would help me catch up. The issue I faced was my availability being different then the “completely open” one i’d told both jobs when I interviewed with them, and they didn’t like at ALL so it led to the following issue.

The first one I quit because of schedule conflicts with my other job. They scheduled me with hours that fed into my shift at my other job for an entire week, and when i’d called to try to get it changed they kept telling me to find someone to swap shifts with or work the hours they gave. No one ever wanted to swap shifts with me, so I just didn’t show up to the shifts. I felt so helpless and worthless at the same time...like I knew they were going to fire me because I didn’t show up to so many shifts but at the same time I couldn’t be in two places at the same time! They really did try to work with me though, they actually were going to change my availability to fit my other job the following week...yet my dumb ass still left because not being able to go to any of the shifts in the prior week made me feel so undependable. I felt like I was finna get fired way before the availability change happened...

The second job I quit simply because fear, anxiety, and insecurity got the best of me. I felt attacked on several fronts, i’d caught wind that some of the girls had been talking about me behind my back and became an emotional wreck. I wasn’t getting along with them the way the other 2 newbies were. I then found out that i’d been doing alot of the work wrong but no one told me until weeks later, so that made me anxious going forward because I wasn’t sure if I was still doing anything else wrong and if I was, I knew I wouldn’t find out ‘til way after the fact. Lastly, the working quarters at this job were very close so my flatulence issues were very clear, which made me feel hella bad for my coworkers and uncomfortable in myself because I would hate having to work beside someone that’s always farting but at the same time nothing I tried stopped them from coming out (Gas X, reduced dairy diet). It was so fucking embarrassing. The bosses also got along well with all my coworkers but yet again I was the odd one out, I was the awkward quiet one that never had anything interesting to say. This shit put me in a really bad head space, so I dipped.

The worst part about  all this is the way I left these jobs. I didn’t give any fore warnings, i’d literally just stopped showing up...and you don’t do that bro. I mean like the 2nd job I technically did put in a “2-week notice” but I didn’t fulfil it, i’d just served one week then left mid-shift the next week because of a small chastisement that most people wouldn’t have taken as hard as I did. 

I don’t know what’s been up with me lately, but i’ve just been so mentally weak and tired that my tolerance for any type of negativity has become a -4. And don’t get me wrong, i’ve done stupid shit in the past too, i’d quit practically all my old jobs for similar reasons - but not like this. I never just like...stopped showing up. And I know this is going to effect me bad in the future, i’m never going to get references from these people which would have really helped. Like i’ve literally had 2 corporate jobs but I can’t even mention them on my resume because of the way i’d left them. I keep doing this shit to myself and i’m so tired of my self-sabotaging ways yet i’m also tired of being disrespected and being “lesser” then everyone around me, whether its socially or work-ethic wise. I know I can’t keep going through life being such a pussy....I just have to figure out a way to handle these emotions of inferiority and impulses to just leave.