ARCHIVED → NOW @ FUCKINGCANTALOUPES

You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.

I’m taking the dog for a walk.

What are you doin’ here?

What’s the problem?

What’s in the car?

Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt: me.

You take sugar?

I’m sweet enough.

It was two minutes five minutes ago.

Speak English to me.

You are obviously the big dick.

There are two types of balls. There are big, brave balls and there are little, mincey balls.

These are your last words, so make them a prayer.

Dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever.

They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action.

You got your parties muddled up. There’s no pussy here, just a dose that’ll make you wish you were born a woman.

Like a prick, you’re having second thoughts.

You are shrinking and your two little balls are shrinking with you.

The fact you’ve got ‘replica’ written down the side of your guns and the fact I’ve got ‘Desert Eagle point five 0’ written down the side of mine should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence.

Now, fuck off.

Why do they call him the bullet-dodger?

Your seats? This is a stolen car, mate.

In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary… come again?

It’s a four ton truck. It’s not as if it’s a packet of fucking peanuts, is it?

When you reverse, things come from behind you.

I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the fuck can he get away from?

You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.

You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it together.

Would someone mind telling me, who the fuck are you?

I hear the best thing to do is feed corpses to pigs. They will go through bone like butter.

A single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression: ‘as greedy as a pig’.  

Well, thank you for that. That is a great weight off my mind.

If you wouldn’t mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?

Shut up and sit down, you big, bald fuck.

I hope you appreciate the concern I have for my friend.

I’m not sure about the colour.

You can’t change fighters.

Why are we stopped here?

It’s too tight.

Too tight? You could land a jumbo fucking jet in that.

He tells people he was named after a gun, but I know he was really named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.

There’s a gun in your trousers. What’s a gun doing in your trousers?

It’s for protection.

It’s a free country, ain’t it?

It ain’t a free shop, is it? So fuck off!

Anything to declare?

Don’t go to England.

You stop me again whilst I’m walking and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.

What the fuck do you mean?

They look like shit, don’t they?

I’m not in here to make a fucking bet.

I’m not fucking buying that.

Fuckface, who’s speaking to you?

He asked him, didn’t he?

Fuckface? I like that one. I’ll have to remember that one next time I’m climbing off your mum.

It’s not as if it’s a tin of baked beans1 What do you mean ‘open him up’?

It was a rhetorical question.

What have I told you about thinking?

Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.

You’re not going anywhere, you thick lump.

You stay until the job’s done.

He’s harder than a coffin nail.

Have you ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way? A car’s nearly on you. So, what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn’t flash before you, ‘cause you’re too fuckin’ scared to think. You just freeze and pull a stupid face.

Who took the jam outta your doughnut?

You took the fucking jam outta my doughnut. You did.

I can’t make him fight, can I?

You’re not much good to me alive, are you?

We’ve lost Gorgeous George.

You’re going to have to repeat that.

Where’d you lose him? He ain’t a set of fucking car keys, is he?

It ain’t as if he’s incon-fucking-spicuous now, is it?

You’re on thin fucking ice, my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.

Do you want to do it?

It’s not the same fight.

I wasn’t calling your mum a tart.

Ah, save your breath for cooling your porridge.

Have I made myself clear?

Did you understand a single word of what he just said?

I’ve helped you as much as I’m going to help you.

You should fuck off now while you still got the legs to carry you.

Why the fuck do I want a caravan that’s got no fucking wheels?

You want to settle this with a fight?

Over my dead body!

I’ll not have you fighting! You know what happens when you fight.

Get her to sit down. For fuck’s sake!

I ain’t fucked you.

I’ll fight you for it. You and me.

Fuck you!

Don’t take the piss.

I need to have a shite.

I fail to recognise the correlation between losing ten grand and a good deal.

What the fuck is that?

This is a shot gun.

It’s a fucking anti-aircraft gun.

You’ll raise Hell. Nevermind pulses.

He’s been a busy, little bastard.

I think you’ve let him get away with enough.

It can get you into a lot of trouble, thinking, I shouldn’t do so much of it.

You gotta get me to a doctor! Shoot that fuck and then get me to a doctor.

For every action, there is a reaction.

Pull your tongue out of my arsehole.

You have all the characteristics of a dog. Except loyalty.

You’re a ruthless, little cunt. I’ll give you that.

What the fuck are you two looking at?

You are not bringing that thing in here.

I will do you a favour. I’ll not get out this car and bash the living fuck out of you in front of all your girlfriends.

What the fuck are you doing?

I’m driving down the street with your head stuck in my window. What do you thinking I’m doing, you penis?

I don’t think I’ll slow down. I think I’ll speed up.

You better not be telling me porky pies.

Follow me and I’ll fucking shoot you.

These lads are out to hurt each other.

Calm down, son. Behave yourself.

I’ve got the gun, son. I think it’s you who should behave.

I’m not telepathic.

You’re plenty fucking stupid.

Fuck me. Have you been reading?

He’s a liability.

You are gonna die.

He got shot six times.

Why don’t you fucking die?

Are you sayin’ I can’t shoot?

I’m not saying you can’t shoot. I know you can’t shoot.

The dog must have ate it.

I create the bodies. I don’t erase the bodies.

This will get messy.

He’s been shot in the face. I would’ve thought that was obvious.

It’s just impossible to kill the bastard.

I don’t want to put a bullet in your face, but if you don’t give us exactly what we want, there will be fucking murder.

Shoot him.

Goody gumdrops. Get us a cup of tea.

You’re a dead man! You hear me? A fucking dead man.

He’s a dangerous bastard.

Do you want to shoot him?

Do you want to stab him?

Do you want to kill him or not?

PAPERCUT.

Why does it feel like night today?

Why am I so uptight today?

Paranoia is all I got left.

I know what it feels like to have a voice in the back of my head.

It’s like I’m paranoid lookin’ over my back.

It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head.

It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within.

Your paranoia’s probably worse.

I don’t know what set me off first.

ONE STEP CLOSER.

I cannot take this anymore.

I find bliss in ignorance.

I’m about to break.

I need a little room to breathe.

I’m one step closer to the edge.

I wish I could find a way to disappear.

Shut up when I’m talking to you.

POINTS OF AUTHORITY.

Forfeit the game.

You can’t run the race.

You just won’t last.

You love the way I look at you.

My pride is broken.

You like to think you’re never wrong.

You live with what you’ve learned.

You have to act like you’re someone.

You want someone to hurt like you.

CRAWLING.

These wounds they will not heal.

There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface.

This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending.

My walls are closing in.

I’ve felt this way before.

IN THE END.

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try.

Time is a valuable thing.

I wasted it all just to watch you go.

I kept everything inside.

Even though I tried, it all fell apart.

I tried so hard and got so far.

In the end? It doesn’t even matter.

I had to fall to lose it all.

You’re acting like I was part of your property.

You fought with me.

Things aren’t the way they were before.

You wouldn’t even recognise me anymore.

I’ve put my trust in you.

MY DECEMBER.

I just wish I didn’t feel.

I take back all the things I said.

I’d give it all away just to have somewhere to go.

I’d give it all away just to have someone to come home to.

This is all I need.

BREAKING THE HABIT.

Memories consume like an opening wound.

You all assume I’m safe here.

I don’t want to be the one.

I’m the one confused.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for.

I don’t know why I instigate and say what I don’t mean.

I don’t know how I got this way.

I know it’s not alright.

I had no options left.

I’m the one at fault.

I’ll never fight again.

This is how it ends.

NUMB.

I’m tired of being what you want me to be.

I don’t know what you’re expecting of me.

I’m under the pressure of walking in your shoes.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

I’ve become so numb.

I can’t feel you there.

All I want is to be more like me and be less like you.

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?

Everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.

I may end up failing.

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST.

I dreamed I was missing.

You were so scared.

No one would listen because no one else cared.

What am I leaving when I’m done here?

Forget the wrong that I’ve done.

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.

Don’t resent me.

Keep me in your memory.

Don’t be afraid.

I’ve taken my beating.

I’m strong on the surface.

I’ve never been perfect.

I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you.

Save me from myself.

SHADOW OF THE DAY.

Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple.

Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

The sun will set for you.

Your friends all plead for you to stay.

Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple.

WHAT I’VE DONE.

There’s no need.

I’ve drawn regret from the truth.

Let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done.

Let go of what I’ve done.

I’m forgiving what I’ve done.

FAINT.

I said goodbye.

All I could think was I need a way to dig through the damage.

I see you takin’ advantage.

I found another reason to do this.

I wanna find a way to rattle you.

I’m not done.

There’s nothing left.

Pissing our pants yet? 

Boy, do I have a feeling we’re getting close.

It’s gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon.

Which one of you pricks is the leader?

And I do not appreciate you killing my men.

Also, when I sent my people to kill your people for killing my people, you killed more of my people.

You have no idea how not cool that shit is.

But I think you’re gonna be up to speed shortly.

You are so gonna regret crossing me in a few minutes.

And the new world order is this, and it’s really very simple.

So, even if you’re stupid, which you very may well be, you can understand it.

Give me your shit or I will kill you.

Now, I know that is a mighty big, nasty pill to swallow, but swallow it you most certainly will.

You ruled the roost.

In fact, you are pegged, more pegged if you don’t do what I want.

And if that’s too much, you can make, find, or steal more, and it’ll even out sooner or later.

The more you fight back, the harder it will be.

You try to stop us and we will knock it down.

You understand? What, no answer? You don’t really think that you were gonna get through this without being punished, now, did you? I don’t want to kill you people.

You can’t do that if you’re dead, now, can you? I’m not growing a garden.

I will shut that shit down, no exceptions.

Sucks, don’t it? The moment you realize you don’t know shit.

Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father and then we’ll start.

What? Was the joke that bad? I’m gonna kill you.

I mean, what do you have left without them? A whole lot of work.

And if not, well, we can just turn these people inside out, won’t we? I mean the ones that are left.

Don’t make me get up again.

You are mine.

The people back there – they are mine.

You guys, look at my dirty girl!

Sweetheart Lay your eyes on this.

Were you – Were you together? That sucks.

The whole thing – not one bit of that shit flies here.

Now, I already told you people – first one’s free, then – what’d I say? I said I would shut that shit down! No exceptions.

Now, I don’t know what kind of lying assholes you’ve been dealing with but I’m a man of my word.

I just popped your skull so hard, your eyeball just popped out, and it is gross as shit!

She is a vampire bat.

Now, I really want you to try this time.

Speak when you’re spoken to.

That trip was about the way that you looked at me.

‘‘It’s a nervous tick. I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.’‘

‘‘Don’t be such a guppy!’‘

‘‘Be merciful and kill us quickly!’‘

‘‘I’m not a child anymore– I’m seventeen years old.’‘

‘‘Why the hell can’t you kids just let me do my job for once?’‘

‘‘You little knuckleheads better be packed and ready to leave for school after breakfast!’‘

‘‘He’s writing a lovesong for his girlfriend.’‘

‘‘We haven’t been spending much time together cause she’s really into these young adult novels lately.’‘

‘‘He’s like the most talented, famous, beautiful wizard ever!’‘

‘‘I don’t like how those books objectify men.’‘

‘‘I consider myself a very reasonable uptight-bitch but if you expect me to believe that cockamamie excuse then you’ve got another thing coming.’‘

‘‘ Who’s responsible for this severe property damage?‘‘

‘‘ Sounds intellectually stimulating!‘‘

‘‘ You’re too kind for your own good, and a little too foxy for mine.‘‘

‘‘A forbidden love between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight. Now a major motion picture.’‘

‘‘Well, you know what they say about an old hat! It fits like a glove!‘‘

‘‘This isn’t “goodbye”. It’s just that “you’re cramping my style”.’‘

‘‘Always dance!’‘

‘‘ Are you guys making fun of me?‘‘

‘‘ Care for a friendly dance-off?’‘

‘‘Katniss Everdeen is my idol.’‘

‘‘ My real passion… is fan fiction.’‘

‘‘ This makes Fifty Shades of Grey look like a book for kids!‘‘

‘‘ I’m just worried cause she hasn’t been hanging out around us lately.’‘

‘‘I hate Snickers.’‘

‘‘ I always imagined my dad was something incredible! Like a firefighter! Or an astronaut! Or a ballerina!‘‘

‘‘ If you want them to accept you, you’ve got to accept them.‘‘

‘‘ You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.’‘

‘‘ All she does is fish for compliments.’‘