Sæglópur

10/06/15, 3:45PM YOU: I get what you’re saying. And this probably how you felt for a long time. I can’t apologize enough. But I don’t want us to be a lesson. I don’t want to take it somewhere else for someone else. I want you. I want to be your best friend not your ex. I just don’t want this to end. And I’m sorry if you got something going on right now and I should fall back but it’s how I honestly feel. I’m not over it.

ME: I forgave you some time ago - I don’t hate you, I’m not upset. All that I said earlier did not come from a place of pain or anger, nor did I say those things out of spite. I don’t think you understand, I didn’t want this to happen. But I spent so much time trying to make sure things didn’t end up this way… I felt like I was the only one trying to hold us together and I got tired of fighting. I got tired of being so sad and confused all the time. It wasn’t healthy. The love didn’t feel good anymore. I had to decide whether the relationship was worth sacrificing my happiness. And I had to realize that I deserve a man who makes an effort to show that he loves and appreciates me, and values my presence in his life.

ME: I don’t know why I’m getting this now, after I begged for a year and never heard anything like what you just told me… but it’s too late for us. I care for you, but I don’t have it in me to fight for us anymore. I need to move on.

YOU: You’re right. And it did take too long. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Or what I’m doing. But I needed. In all honesty I probably still need time. I recognized the worth of it all from the jump. And I still don’t think I deserve or you to put up with it anymore. It took a talk with my mom realize it. She told me about how she and my old step dad used to be. How he was coked out and she put up with it and I only saw the fighting. I only saw mess and I never wanted to do that someone so I took that in. Get out before it gets worse. I don’t know how to fix relationships. I don’t know how to make one work. But you taught me that sometimes you have to just do it. Make it work. I put you through so much shit and I understand why you feel you do. I still don’t know how to make an effort or what to do but if you have a goal you do something about it. I can’t change what I did or how I made you feel. All I know is I can’t lose you. Maybe it was the time apart. Maybe it’s just that I got some things rolling in my life. Or cause you’re probably leaving next year. Or I just need closure. I just know that this isn’t a priority. It’s a lense to everything. Like an augmentation. When it’s bad it’s still OK but when it’s good there’s nothing else. And I’ve been learning this all from you since day 1

ME: What exactly are you asking of me

YOU: I’m not sure. I just don’t want us to exit each other’s lives. Is that too awkwardly vague?

10/07/15, 7:17AM ME: I don’t feel the same way about you or about us anymore, I don’t want this. I’m sorry.

YOU: **** please. I want to make up for those nights. I’m not asking you to put in work. Just to let me. I don’t how much has changed in how I think about this but I’m saying all this despite the same objections

ME: That’s the reason things didn’t work out before. The objections. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted from one another. Those issues haven’t gone away. We disagree on some very fundamental things and I don’t think you realize the sheer amount of work and effort it would take to bridge that gap, on both sides. At the end of the day, we are two different people who want very, very different things from our relationships. And that is fine, it just means we aren’t right for one another. I want to have a healthy, happy love life. I want that for you too. And I think the best way for that to happen is for us to find people who are ready and willing to meet us halfway.

ME: I just don’t understand where this is coming from. I told you that when I finally left, it wasn’t going to be some ploy to get you to miss me or to get you to realize that you had a good thing with me. I don’t play games. I said that if I leave, it would be because I was done, and that’s it. I’m confused as to why, knowing that, you wait until now to say all of this.

YOU: I get what you’re saying. I’m saying this all now because I know this might be my last chance. I know you’re serious and it’s not some ploy. That’s not w ho you are. I just don’t want to lose you. I’m learning I have to do what needs to be done to get what I want. And I want to give you a happy life. I kep t justifying not by telling myself I can’t and have to let it go but what I want is to do right by you. Idk if giving up before giving my all is the best  option. I’m not sure how to do it  but I need to do something. And I know you got something going on and I’m being the worst possible person right now but I have to say it. This isn’t something I want to lose