void.

We have simply gotten very good by now at masking ... There was a very close call for us recently, someone tried to confront the Host while I was in front, and ask him with deepest sincerity if he was suffering from symptoms we were genuinely suffering from... The fear was we (well "he") "might be schizophrenic" and I had to excuse myself for a while from my headmates and front... There was a time I might not have, I might have lost my senses. I might have revealed myself in a very dramatic way, I might have gotten a bit...too dark, too cheeky, too strange and mishandled it... But I didn't. I did know my limit... as much as I disagree I know not to sabotage the safety my Host worked so hard for before he's ready... but. I really can not deal with providing reassurance that we're a singlet and lie about existing to someone, that I... don't get along with and is a part of much of our problem, to begin with... so rather than maintain composure and the lie my Host has constructed, I stone-cold abandoned front and threw him out there to deal with it on his own. In his eyes that was irresponsible and a poor choice, but. It was the best possible choice I could have made for us at that time, because what I really wanted was to tell this person the truth. And then some. I felt a bit guilty, teaching him a lesson so-to-speak that I'm willing to play nice accept that I have NO idea how to live a good, healthy, normal human life for us and I'm a fuck-up, but, I'm not willing to do that... I can not be expected to handle that, if it's so important to him then he can be the one to deal with it. I wish that he wasn't so ashamed and terrified of telling people closest to him that we all exist and just get some fucking help, of course... but it matters very little what I think... I think the idea that certain people who profess to love him wont believe him or accept it, accept any of us or try to even hurt him over it... the idea of losing his main supports outside our system... that alone, might be too hard for him to face, so he doesn't do it. He put all our eggs into one basket... and he insists we're too old now, too old to move, and start yet-another life all over again... We've done it too many times, now. We wouldn't survive it. Most of us are happy and that has to be good enough. The others with the exceptions of myself and Javique are happy or content with what they have, and we need to "stop being so self-centered" and just continue to LIE to protect them. Because afterall I front enough, I had my chance and blew it years ago. But there is some truth to what they're saying... Our body could give out. There is so much not in our favor if these people find out and decide to be cruel about it. I do not think we could start all over without help and there simply is no help. Not where we live, not in this life. Still. ... Ah, to be one of many in a system... I do hope that slowly things improve for you all over time, and I do hope that you know anyone is welcome to talk if they wish.