My Story

Three other kids were also babysat by M. D, C and T.

To say being teased and bullied is the least of it. I've always been teased. I still am by co workers and family.

But I think that's where it all started. And I don't talk about it too often.

M was depressed for a while. Her husband, D, was a total dick. Sometimes nice, but I was the one to get in trouble when the other kids would fuck up.

They lock me in the garage, my fault. Force me to smoke a cigarette at age 9, my fault.

People wonder why I'm so unsure of myself. Why I haven't had a boyfriend, why I haven't gone up to the cute guy and started talking to them.

I was never worth it to these kids. I was practically raised with them, and yet, it, it was horrible.

My childhood wasn't that bad, according to Angela. Janette doesn't know much, because like I've stated before, I don't talk about it.

I've been beat, forced into things I hate, used as a scapegoat, and emotionally scared for a long time.

I don't trust easily because an older kid touched me, and threatened me if I said something.

This is the first time I ever spoke about it again.

No, so many years later, I spoke with one of the kids who thinks they did nothing wrong. I was too much of a goodie two shoes to have fun.

My fault.

M passed away a few years ago. Drug overdose. I loved her. She was upset when my mother pulled me after finding me bruised.

M never knew, because I didn't tell her.

I'm not always shy, or quiet. But I was with her. I was a good kid, and all I was bullied and hurt for it.

I, I think I am done for now. This took a lot out of me today.

For the first time in years, I've remembered everything they did. And I needed too.

Because I'm not broken from it. I know I'm not perfect. I know I have major issues in trust, and with emotions.

Well, I don't love my life.

So here's one part of my life.

I was born in December, to my mother. No father. Mom didn't know who he was, and I don't either. Though, I have my suspicions. I have two sisters, two uncles, two brother in laws, a newphew and my oldest sisters fathers side of the family which consists of six other siblings for her.

My mother didn't know she was pregnant with me. She found out five months in. She was gaining weight, but still having her period. I was a surprise. But she was too far for an abortion, and I know she would have had one if she could. She didn't want any more children after my two sisters. So she kept me, which I am happy for. Believe me, I am.

My oldest sister I will call Janette for the purpose of this blog. She was nineteen. My other sister, Angela, was eleven.

We all have separate fathers, my sisters knowing who contributed to the other half of their biology.

Janette wasn't around too much because she was older and already moved out when I was born. Though she was my moms coach when I was born, and calls me the reason she didn't have my nephew till she was 27.

Angela was younger, and I guess didn't like me too much. (She still hates me now, but we'll get to that later)

My childhood wasn't hard. Mom lost her job right after I was born and did go into a depression that she never really came out of. Even if we didn't have the money, she still liked expensive things.

We moved when I was seven. I remember that vaguely. We couldn't keep our dog, but he went to a good home.

When I was in school, I was okay. Talked a lot. Got in trouble for talking. Got made fun of for what I liked. I didn't care. I was young, and I loved what I loved.

I met my best friend in elementary school. I'm gonna call her AG for now. Her and her sister, BG, were throwing a ball back and forth and it hit me, knocking me off the swing. Of course, I cried. Falling off swings onto the woodchips actually hurts.

So the supervisor made her and her sister play with me.

We weren't best friends then, but as we got older we got closer.

Her sister was killed in an accident, but AG was strong, even for loosing someone she was so close to at such a young age. I was in the second grade, and she was in the third grade.

I admire AG. She is one of the remaining constants in my life.

I guess later, I will move onto middle school, as I don't remember too much from elementary school. I've blocked a lot of that out.

But to whoever reads this, thank you. It may not be exciting, but I've needed to do this.

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow, I'll post about life at my babysitters. Because, because I need too.