Itâs weird being on here again realy.
I donât think I actually wanted to leave this plattform at any point.
One moment I just realised I had.
You see- I donât really see myself as a tumblr person and this might be because Iâm awefully biased against all of you guys without even really evaluating you.
I just asumed there were certain characteristics to a tumblr person- which I am sure the majority should have- amongst which you could find a certain level of narcissism (not the clinical form, you know, just higher levels on the personal trait-scale) and psychological issues. Or some really intense form of fandom. Or both.
So yeah- while that may or may not be true, these are the reasons why I didnât want to be a tumblr person. I just didnât feel I had any major psychological issues, maybe a certain tendency to fancy attention or something, but weâd all be sub-clinical on that, and my degree of fandom was in my humble opinion not worrysome at all.
So you see- no judgment whatsoever, I could even list a couple of good traits amongst which a high intellect, a certain degree of empathy and creativity (though this might be due to my filter bubble).
Now- rest assured- I did have nihilistic thoughts before and I didnât have any suicide, self-loathing or self-harming fantasies. Not at all. So I donât quite understand what Iâm doing here, but the fact is my head seems rather troubeled and I need an outlet, so- I just felt I should come to a place where people would see me as a bit weird maybe, but most wouldnât be either detrimental or judgmental. Even though they might be just mental.
(Yeah the pun just came and I wonât cut it because I feel itâs kinda cute.)
So- maybe itâs time to re-introduce myself. My name is- well, Saruman for you guys, sorry ^^, and I havenât been on tumblr for about half a year or so- and actually I didnât really plan on coming back, nor do I pan on staying now.
I am a fan of Tolkienâs work, you know- all that Lord-of-the-Ringish, Hobbity, Silmarillionesque stuff. I did use to write poetry in up to three different languages, some were good, some were bad and some I like or dislike depending on the mood, but I usually didnât edit too much. Maybe out of a sense of self-importance and a weird grasp on creativity in art- or you can just call me lazy if you will, either will do and Iâm sure I have hown all those tendencies at some point or another.
Why did I leave this place where you can get little haertsies for pouring out your sad emotions, your happy emotions or any form of emotion in any text there is, really? I donât quite know. Honestly I like the concept, itâs utterly shallow, sure and I wonât become a great writer of you al support my lazyness and self-importance (which I actually donât really want to), but itâs also profoundly human. Itâs a little utopia. A little shire, if you want to come back to Hobbitses (and this is official Gollum-plural). This is beautiful.
All those fucked up souls and mental wrecks here, or at least those who pretend to be such get positive feedback in their actions- or even better, moral support. Which they probably can use better, for some of their striving s disturbingly detrimental and not going to help them in any manner.
If you were looking for reasons to leave, sure there would be plenty: This place is shallow and cringy at itâs core, full of pretentious little artists amongst whom I have counted myself and I can proudly say- I still am a pretentious little artsist from time to time. People here honestly think brainy is the new sexy and take a Tony Stark as an example. Yeah he plays a brainy arrogant prick, but he mostly is rich, thatâs the sex appeal. Same for Loki, the Hiddleston guy.
And I know. I come just back here on this plattform, ranting a bit becaus eit feels good on short notice and actually I donât contribute to harmony etc. right now.
Actually I might have said a few things which have seriously offended one or another person- if that is- anyone has read this bullshit text.
So whyâd I come back? Iâm not back in that sense. Itâs a note in my journal, thatâs what it is. And this is not an actual journal, itâs a metaphor for me leaving something here and probably never reading it again.
Am I a bitter person?
Well sometimes I am, yes, so have I observed. Though I do not think of myself as such. I used to be a positiv child, that is my belief and- what child is not positive at some point in its life? Most children have every reason to be positive about... things.
To the point:
Yesterday I looked at myself and realised- let me use another Tolkien metaphor here even though I am aware I have extended the privilege quite enough: I am not only not the young bright Arragorn I imagined myself becoming as a kid, but I am rather turning into a Gollum creature tacked back in the misty mountains cave off my room, with the one ring of Netflix and losing even the taste of good food. I havenât eaten an apple in a long time! Though I had an avocado yesterday and a really good salad before that, so I think this is where the comparison might stop.
You know I did use to do martial arts- not to worry it was only for my own content- and I did get a rather appealingly shaped body, I wasnât strong or ripped or anything gorgeous like them fitness guys bloating around like coqs (Iâm fairly sure this is the French spelling, I canât seemt tom remember the English one) on an animal farm. But I was in rather fine physical shape. And my body was... probably appealing. To some. Not the great majority, I wouldnât go as far, but some.
And now I donât du martial arts, I eat a lot less well than I used to- miracle- this isnât my momâs stove anymore so I cook when I had time and the grace to make an effort. And so my muscles are fairly thin, I lost about half my strength and it only shows a little bit, but Iâm convinced in training I would soon come to realise my limits have shifted.
And thatâs a bad thought.
And honestly i have two easy ways to feeling better: I could get out and do something for myself or I could get to work in here and - oh look, itâs raining, suddenly itâs more appealing to stay and studdy for university instead- but I get locked up in front of... books and series... and movies... so I donât do shit in the end.
And at the same moment I feel this reticance... why do you care? why should I care? Couple thousand years ago and Iâd have been living about half my life, so whatâs the deal? And yeah, Iâm 20 experiencing the pressure of puberty, feeling like I can look through the whole system including the ridiculous part that I play myself. And thatâs the point.
I am hyper aware of my actions and their consequences, I am aware of other peopleâs actions, I am aware of a big chunk of modern society and I could now write you an essay about how to achiev in the system I live in. But Iâm too lazy to care and I donât feel like it.
So yeah- I am angry at myself. Probably. According to myself I am, so I must be right? And I know I donât need to be. Same as...
Actually thatâs a good point, Iâm in puberty, I ddonât like it, I write because I feel like I suck and I know I donât or at least I donât need to cause I could just walk out here and perform, but I canât because... brains be brains, right?
And I donât like people expecting me to do anything. And I donât like competition either. I donât like competing about grades, jobs, money, social status or female encounters. Which the last one I luckily donât have to anymore, I just have to keep being myself, which I find a slightly more odd form of cometition because my competition is my self.
You know all those boys talking âTell me about women?â. Ya, well tell me about boys. Tell me about myself. Seriously, I like when people try to get a grasp of me I used to like the part of myself, where you canât stick me in a box, cause itâs like putting water in a basket.
âI shall remain freeee!â - And never seize my freedom because puberty forces me to take a harsh looka the manner in which I seize my oh so well accomplished freedom. Uhhh hate my brilliant brain (itâs just above average, not brilliant, my IQ is about 120, or was last I checked).
So this pittyful document of my puberty shall remain here until some company tries to get a grasp at me. Good luck trying guys ^^
No I seriously usually am a nice guy, I just donât get a grip on myself lately, but even now I perform according to task. Or almost.
Should I check my spelling, because I just couldnât have cared less while writing? Ahhh meh.
