Vent Vent Vent

They also say “oh I know you’re depressed” “you sound so down everytime I talk to you.”  “you always look so tired” 

but.. they get mad when I say I’m depressed. They get mad I go to therapy. They get mad when I say I need antidepressants. They get mad if I try to talk to them.

i don’t feel alive. it’s like my consciousness has been switched y a watered down copy. just going thru the motions.no drive, no imagination, no dreams, no faith,

During the winter break, I went to visit my family in FL for 2 weeks. I finally spent time with my best friend after she had been overseas for 5 years. During those two weeks, my boyfriend of almost 4 years got lonely. Pathetic. On NYE he kissed another girl. They were both drunk and high. He told me a few days after it happened. I guessed who it was on the first try. Not a lot of girls on that geek ass quidditch team. And I noticed their chemistry the first day I watched a game and met her. Foolishly brushed it off. 

I forgave him. After much crying and scolding. And reminders that many men ask me out regularly on the street and that I’ve never crossed the line. 

He still has the nerve to be jealous of a man I had a crush on before I met him. A man I never did anything with besides have his head laid in my lap while I ran my fingers through his hair. A man that I spent the next 3 years having awkward run-ins with trying to sweep his drunken pleas and prayers to our Father God for a threesome under the rug. The implications of his Catholic beliefs still hold my attraction.

Flash forward to last night. we get invited to a party with all these quidditch people. I think the couple throwing the party are adorable and I want to go. I was warned in advance that the girl was invited. I went anyway. Dressed sexy. Maybe overdressed. Did my makeup like I haven't done in months. She came in after two hours of us being there. My heart dropped. She avoided my general direction all night. She avoided my boyfriend as well until the video games started. Then she started joking around with him and teasing him like its all good. Still won’t dare to cross my line of sight. I did glare at her a few times and she’d catch my eyes. I let it linger for a moment because I can’t hide my emotions. I can be quiet but I have no poker face.I hope you feel bad bitch.

when we left my boyfriend noticed I was being quiet and distant. I let out a huge sigh and stared at the train tracks. “It was very awkward and I’m kind of annoyed. She avoided my gaze all night. That bitch should fuckin’ apologize to me! Be mature and grow the fuck up!”

I’m a forgiving person. Maybe too forgiving. But I value honesty and self-reflection and a heartfelt apology and empathy and maturity to see the hurt you cause others. If she was a real bitch she would’ve taken me aside and apologized. Because I know. And she knows I know. 

 He said sorry. I asked for more details of that night, prefacing that I don’t want to mull over something that happened long ago

Was it mutual? Did he initiate it? Did she?

He doesn't recall. Just that he felt lonely and needed affection. and that they were close friends and he saw the opportunity there. and that he should have removed himslef from that situation when he felt that way.

He couldn’t even look me in the eyes. 

When we parted he apologized again and hugged. I said it was okay.

It wasn't. I called my best friend as I walked home and ranted.

It’s just stirring up my anger all over again. I keep asking why her? Tearing down her looks. She’s not even that pretty. Pretty bland. Stocky, plain, no curves. Should I feel better or worse because of that? Maybe I should be glad it wasn’t someone prettier? Maybe I’m uglier than her? Maybe he feels closer emotionally? Personality wise? interests? Am I too feminine and different? He made a comment today about how I’m really feminine. Like it was a shock or something. Odd tone. Perhaps my feminity is only admired when it comes to sex?

I also just don’t get it? You miss me and my touch and affection after a week and a half. Missing ME? So you think hmm lemme kiss someone else. That doesn’t make any goddamn fucking sense.

We went to Ikea today. I still felt distant. At times I was cuddly. Around the kids' section. Stupid baby fever. 

I resisted holding hands many times throughout the day. Idk if he got the hint that I'm still mad. Is it stupid to bring all this up again? Once more? He tried to make a joke about sex. Tried to make an excuse to come over. I didn’t bite. I’m not feeling it. I haven’t been feeling it for weeks and we haven't had any for weeks. Bad try last week. I was starting to feel like it again until the party. Until this pissed me off all over again. Back to square one.

Hell. What if he feels lonely and starved for affection again? What if he tries that shit again? 

But I can’t force myself to feel that way right now. I’m really hurt.

Dear Travis,

Romy: While we’ve had our fights and periods of no communication, it’s because we love each other so much that we expect so much out of the other. We are like family. Our families have been tied together after knowing each other for over 13 years. We are tied by the island and cultural history despite the overwhelming narrative that our peoples should hold hatred and contempt for each other. We see our commonalities and differences and celebrate them. She is the true definition of an Empath. Always excited and angry for you as if it’s happening to her in the moments you tell her anything.Great at giving sound advice. The most hilarious person I know. The best person for talking about Black pride with. The best person to talk about spirituality with. The best person to talk about love with. No code switching necessary. All the same interests and passions. Talented in so many ways.

Alex: While I get frustrated by some of your immaturity and tendencies to whine, you are my soul sister. I can call you everyday and never get bored. Truly understanding and always willing to work things out from every angle. Also gives helpful advice and tries to understand all sides. The person I leaned on the most during the hell that was thesis. Kept me sane and talked me down from my worst most self-loathing and suicidal moments. Felt like the only person who really cared the most even after everyone tried to move on from it. Felt like the only person who’d actually miss me if I did hurt myself. The ONLY person I can go shopping with for HOURS. The only person I can talk to about fashion and hypothesize outfit combinations with. The only person I ever coordinated outfits with. We both wanted to be friends with the other before the other knew just from seeing each other in the halls. We can share close spaces with for long periods of time and never get annoyed by each other. Pure love for her.

Katie: While we have our awkward moments and uncomfortable situations, I’m so proud of how she’s grown and opened up. Literally the most generous and thoughtful friend. Makes me cry with her gifts. One of the few people that remembers every little thing a person mentions and then surprises them with that months later. Takes her time to give and give and give. Wicked smart without being condescending about it. Super driven and has continued to overcome so much to achieve the life she really wants. The only person who understands my struggles with social anxiety and introversion. And love of kitties! The only person to talk about that mixed girl struggle with. Always positive. I want to know her more. There’s still so much to unravel since we haven’t been friends for too long. A true sweetheart.

Feel so tired need a dopamine hit, trying to be healthy

1. Mozzarella sticks (fried, carby, greasy)

2. Ice Cream (Ben and Jerry's with lots of add-ins)\

3. Pancakes (those fluffy sugary carbs from the Mexican place a few blocks away) with breakfast sausage patties al in maple syrup and honey and butter

4. A big soft chewy black and white cookie

5.Ginger Ale

6. McDonald’s

7. A big crunchy KitKat

8. Peppermint Patties 

Suede Silk Set Photos

Suede silk collection flats

Thesis bra patent

1 Thesis set

Thesis tech stamp sheets

Collages

Eberjey flats and specs

1. Tea in all flavors and forms

2. Flashdance

3. Runway shows

4. Dancing

5. Watercolor painting

6. Doing my makeup all colorful

7. Painting my nails

8. A clean room

Anyway, I’ve been losing weight slowly since thesis ended and I’ve had more time to cook now. I was craving junk like crazy all day and had a small box of Oreo Thins. I almost caved again and ordered take out but I figured the chicken had been defrosting all day and by the time I ordered I could be done cooking anyway.