gonna keep running

These were the messages I received in the morning from Grant after he had dinner with her the night before:

Good morning sweetheart - I hope you slept well but judging from your last message you may have had something on your mind.

In answer to your question I went to Malt South and met Naomi and Lisa there; you may then ask why didn’t I tell you; the simple and honest reason was I knew you were feeling down and I didn’t wanted to add to it and I didn’t want to explain or start another conversation about going which I thought may happen. Naomi messaged saying she was going to Malt if I wanted to join - I had no plans and little food in so it was an spontaneous decision. And then when we spoke on the phone there just wasn’t the opportunity or the moment for me to tell you more. I messaged you good night as I was leaving and then didn’t reply last night when I got back as I just wanted to go to bed and not have long discussion about it which may have happened when I just wanted to get to sleep.

And this was the follow up messages:

This big bouquet of flowers from Dalat HasFarm came in Saturday afternoon while I was having my nap time after Saturday long run.

His card said “dear you, one year ago we met at Westlake Station”

It was started from a morning run with Richard as usual, but this time he asked Grant to join us. I didn’t know this until Richard said to me “let’s go that way, I have a friend who will join us” and then that’s how we met for the first time.

Grant & Sara

Sara & Grant

“Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. If you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, through any disagreement.”

If you see your role in your relationship patterns, don't judge or shame yourself for mistakes you've made in the past. Your behaviors and choices were a reflection of where you were at then based on your wounds, traumas, and environmental conditioning. It can be easy to start looking back and feel regret and wonder if you ruin your chance at love, but this is not true. We are all on our unique path, and your commitment to being self-aware and taking responsibility is a testament to the goodness of your heart. You don't need to go back and change things and you don't need to swim in a sea of regret because all of your past selves carried you to this point of time -- celebrate that. There's a reason many people choose never to look inward and heal their patterns, instead focusing externally and blaming the outside world for everything in their lives. Doing this work is confronting but without self-compassion it's not sustainable. Give yourself the forgiveness and grace that you'd give a small child, you deserve peace. Every relationship experience that has ended, is now complete. You are slowly peeling back the layers and walls around your heart and making way for a new kind of love. It's ok to release yourself from the past and be present to the ways you are learning, growing, and transforming. You are enough.

Gentle reminders for us:

1. You get to decide that you’re not longer interested in repeating the unhealthy cycles you once thought were normal.

2. You get to decide to do better next time & not to hold yourself hostage to your mistakes.

3. You get to decide whatever or whoever is draining your spirit doesn’t get access to your energy anymore.

4. You get to decide even when you fear shows up, you can and will move through it.

5. You get to decide that new beginnings are a blessing and not a burden. You can find liberation in starting over.

No more secrets. He shared. He answered. All of them. Why this has to happen after the video call with Stacey?! Why this can’t happen 10 months ago? Why?

Monday morning.

I’m in rooftop having my pineapple slices. Enjoying sun (but it’s slightly cloudy).

Him after his first meeting and having beetroot juice. He said that he’ll a busy Monday with online meetings but doesn’t mean he’s ignoring me when he can’t answer my WhatsApp messages. This is Grant who’s being too kind.

Last night I spoke with Grant about this and I just can’t explain my emotions. Before this pandemic, I have no issue living alone, getting my own dinner after work, riding my scooter by the lake. But now it’s been 4 weeks in lockdown and I’m too scared to walk outside to get rid of the so-called cabin fever. But when Grant verbally sharing that I might “feel trapped” because of this lockdown, I don’t have daily face to face talk with anyone (unlike him when having zoom meeting with his students), I don’t have coffee break and banter with colleagues at work, I don’t meet any of my team members, I don’t commute to/from work, I don’t go out to buy my dinner or ride or run with friends. None of these things. I’m just alone by myself. I also don’t want to share this because what can people do? Friends in VN are all in the same lockdown situation. Families in Jakarta also in lockdown. I also don’t want Grant to hear me being grumpy because of this lockdown. I just swallowed this feeling and handled it by myself. And it’s hard. It’s tiring. I can’t sleep well.

Grant can tell that I’m down and he asked me to share with him. I was just crying. It’s just hard. And for him to be able to verbalize all my mumbles helped me & he said it’s ok if this is how I cope being in lockdown: WFH, zwift ride, rooftop sunset and video call with him. If this is enough for me to get going, then it’s fine.

A relationship isn’t always 50/50, some days a person will struggle, you suck it up and pick up that 80/20 because they need you. That’s love. Thanks Grant

I was on my way back home from running and 2 policemen on motorbike called me while I was immediately walked towards VinMart. One of them showed a photo of me running in the morning on one of the alleys. One of them was shouting and yelling at me using google translate to ask my name, where do I live, nationality, and told me that I’ve violated the govt Directive No. 16 and asked me to join them to Quang An police station. I pretended to cry and said sorry. He shouted at me to say it louder. I repeated to say sorry and he told me to go back home. I waited until they drove off and I sprinted back home.

Ian offered in HC chat group if anyone wants to borrow his dumb trainer during lockdown. I immediately said yes! He’s being the usual kind-Ian came over after his family dinner and helped me to set my bike. I also borrowed Vincent’s rear wheel including the cassette. Then I asked Tri what to do if I want to “connect” to virtual world (zwift) and he advised me to buy Magene speed sensor because everything must be connected with Bluetooth: speed sensor & iPad; unfortunately my cadence sensor & HRM are only ANT+ after that I asked Rob for some advices and he shared links from shopee to buy Magene sensors and how to set up dumb trainer to zwift. I got the same answer from Matthieu. He bought his sensors from Nam Anh.

Today after monthly meeting with Pak Arif, he asked where am I? And bottom line he asked me to discuss with Pak Danang whether he prefers to live in house in Vinh Phuc or in Hanoi because can’t keep two houses if I’m the only one live in Hanoi for cost saving. I asked pak Danang and he said he prefers to live in Vinh Phuc during this pandemic. This made me heart sank, I can’t imagine to live in a “village” although I have no issue to commute 50km everyday but one thing that made me survive living abroad is to have personal/social life other than just work, work, work which is what going to happen if I live in the shared house in Vinh Phuc.

Grant advised to me to answer to Pak Arif that Pak Danang will return to Hanoi after the pandemic, made sure that Pak Danang keeps this confidential only between me & him, don’t say anything unless Pak Arif asks next month. This will be my strategy. I hope this works #prayhard

Tonight I got my Magene speed sensor and I managed to join the zwift virtual ride for the first time.

In the morning we’ll start with tea and fruits for breakfast then I’ll work with laptop then we continue with coffee and pastries. He taught me how to make coffee using this top stove; this made me stopped buying cappuccino at coffee shop, yay!

Next is watching Olympics online. This is very entertaining with our favorite are cycling, track and fields and swimming. His favorite is hockey and mine is badminton. In between he reads his books while I work. We read these 2 books by Matt Haig: The Comfort book and Midnight library.

Sometimes he’ll call his friends, mum and Lisa in my bedroom. Sometimes he’ll go for sun baking on rooftop and I’ll join him after I finished with my work and we’ll try some Yoga. He leads. He has more experience and more flexible too. He joined some yoga sessions in Phuket.

The best thing post yoga is beers and crisps while looking at sunset. We noticed many more people spending time in their rooftop. Some are doing HIIT training, swimming or just watching sunset.

Dinner time is when Grant cook for us. Simple meals but delicious, my favorite is sausage with veggies. Oh so yummy! We’ll spend the rest of the evening by watching Netflix. Ooooh there are many from Start up (we stopped at Season 2 because this is where they have happy ending), some films such as The Guernsey literary and peel pie potatoes, The last thing he wanted (don’t watch this!!), The read sea diving resort, Molly’s game (this a good one).

One day we decided not to have any beers and at night Grant wanted so badly and asked if I have stash?! 🙄🙄 so the next day I prepared 2 Saigon beers for him and as expected he asked for another beer when we have drank all we had in the fridge so he was so happy when I gave him one and said this is the most romantic thing I’ve done for him so far 🙄🙄

Going to miss this big boy after the last few weeks together in Hanoi during his 7 weeks of school holidays. We did well, we go through day by day watching Olympics, read books, afternoon walk by the lake, yoga on rooftop (him sun baking before hand), him cooking lunch and dinner (at least I prepared sliced fruits and smoothies for breakfast) and Netflix before bed time.

The decision for him to go back to Saigon is because (1) second dose of vaccination and (2) he didn’t bring his hard drive for work related knowing that school will be back to online learning.

I texted Grant to say hi and shared the news that all restaurants are closed in PMH. He replied about 30-40 min later saying: “Right; these are my thoughts. We can drive around looking to see if something is open, like el Camino - small places that might not be affected. I went to Saigon Bagel for lunch today and they were open no problem. Or we get takeaway; maybe visit somewhere and if they are not open we ask them to deliver. And I want to say I’d like to sleep on my own this evening; I’m a bit down and want a big sleep this evening to reset. Richard messaged about running tomorrow btw but we can confirm later.”

I asked may I know why he feels down? Is it related with our convos last night? He said no. Anyway I don’t want to ask him why he feels down because he knows he got me to share (yeah maybe most of the time I’m not much help) and I do aware that Grant doesn’t share anything in his mind. If he doesn’t trust me, he’s not ready to share or he’s just used to handle things by himself so what can I do about it?

I do feel sometimes when I’m down I deal with it by myself, suck it up. Why should I share my “burdens” to someone else? I think I’ve known Grant for almost 7 months just for fun and adventures; he’s not ready to share his tough times, scars from the past, or his thoughts with me — so is it worth it? Do I want to be with someone like this? I know for sure I have experienced many tough days because my life is not always rainbows and lollipops. Does Grant wants to be part of this? Or do I want to share it with him? Am I too much for him? I know I can slowly walk away. I don’t want to be someone’s burden because life is already challenging enough.

.. and here I am thinking that life during lockdown will be a bit lighter if I can share it with someone dear, sometimes I’m being too naive. I still need to constantly remind myself that don’t expect anything from anyone.