I deserve an apology
I'm so sad. All I want to do is text and call all my friends in NY. I'm happy one minute but I'm secretly miserable the next. As much as I moderatley like it here, I find myself crying because I just want to go back to what's familiar and I miss my friends so much. It took me years to make friends there and although I'm making friends here it isn't the same. I miss biking to see friends in Bedstuy, cuddling with someone who once loved me, catching the subway to model 40 hours a week, open bars, art parties, being the center of attention everywhere cuz I would be the only person ballsy enough to dance alone, the applauses after posing, being in places pre gentrification.. But most of all I miss myself. No matter what situation life threw at me I hopped back. I was forced out of almost every place I came Into at first. A breakup, followed by a landlord trying to take advantage of me, and me saying no leaving me homeless and I still pushed forward. All alone with no one. What was I really supposed to do? I moved forward and I came back so quickly and those are the kind of people that make new York what it is. People like me. That fought so hard to be there. And actually deserved to be. Now I have been forced out once again by an unfortunate circumstance. What hurts me the most is the one person that should have stood up for me left me for shit stranded and alone to take care of myself. So I guess that's what I have to do now. Its hard to not hold a grudge. And its even harder to still love that person knowing they really didn't give a fuck. And they still don't really give a fuck. As much as I hope and want them to they didn't give a rat's ass about leaving me destitute and stranded. But worse of all: they make you feel guilty and like I should be grateful they wanted to help me in the first place before they left me for shit. How can I possibly forgive you for that? How can this person not truly and humbly accept the fact that they fucked up by hurting me? How can I really believe and feel in my heart and soul that this person loved me if they didn't stand up for me? I meant no more to them that. I have had strangers care more about me. Now, during my struggle, I am slowly starting to see who's real and who's not and who will really ride for me when shit gets rough. I should never be guilted into not being mad about wanting basic human rights I am entitled to and being upset those rights aren't afforded to me. Instead you as in YOU should apologize. What you did wasn't right. It was rude. It was unjust, discivil, uncalled for, careless, inconsiderate anddistasteful. And yet, I am still the fool for missing and loving you so. And i almost want to accept your guilt just to keep you around. But if I deserve anything it's an apology. An apology for having to figure shit out all over again because you couldn't speak up on my behalf. The fact that you didn't want to disgusts me utterly being the person you claim to love. How COULDNT you?I deserve an apology
