saraaadezzz

I’ve finished the first official song off of my EP ‘Ghosts', which will be released in 2021.  This process of writing, recording and producing all of my own music has been amazing and frustrating and eye-opening. I feel like this song in particular finally cracked open a new world for me, showing me that I still have the ability to write and love music, that I only have to depend on myself instead of having to put my destiny in other people’s hands, and that I can learn new skills even in my mid 30s. 

You can download the song at my website:

violet violet 

after weeks of tinkering and tuning and cursing, i’ve finally finished the first song i’ve ever written, recorded and produced completely on my own. 

for my entire music career, i’ve felt very dependent on other people to do the ‘hard stuff’ like playing instruments, creating new sections and just basically filling in where i felt i was lacking. 

this has really opened my eyes about my own creativity, autonomy, strengths and opportunities for gaining new knowledge and skills. i know now that i have everything i need right here, in my own little heart and head. i’m so excited to start on a new song and get my hustle on.

Hey Anon!

I work for Squarespace. 

I help people build their sites and work out bugs and issues they’re running into, whether that’s platform or user-based. 

It’s a pretty run-of-the-mill customer service job, but Squarespace as a company is incredible, people- and benefits-wise. I’ve definitely thought about looking elsewhere for a job (who hasn’t - plus I’ve been there almost 4 years) but I don’t have a degree and other companies wouldn’t pay me as much, allow me to be as flexible in terms of working from home and definitely wouldn’t have the same health or lifestyle benefits. 

Plus, they’re super queer-friendly and are actively working on becoming a more diverse workplace, both race- and orientation-wise. 

As far as what I do outside of work: 

I have a great, weird, funny, self-assured 5 year old (Auguste). He cracks me up, makes me so mad and basically makes my heart spill over with love. He splits time between our house and my ex-husband’s house (where he also has a step-sister and step-mom who are out of this world). 

I’ve got a hilarious, beautiful, kind and hard-working partner (Stephanie) who I’ve known since I was 15 (sometimes it’s a slow burn, kids). We live together in the suburbs in a house we bought and are now renovating ourselves (what the fuck were we thinking) and we love to travel, are total foodies and have champagne taste (on a ranier budget). We DIY like crazy and are learning how to successfully make over a house via YouTube videos. 

I used to sing in a band and music is a passion of mine, but my life sort of fell apart about 4 years ago when I realized I was gay (and married to a man) so I’ve been putting it back together ever since. The band was definitely a casualty of that (my ex-husband and I played together in it) but now that we have a big house with a big garage, I’m going to be creating a studio where I can play and record music and start exploring that side of myself again, which I’m really excited about. 

woke up yesterday at 2am with the most wicked ear infection i’ve ever experienced (or at least that i can remember). Even after taking ibuprofen and oxycodone, the pain was incredibly unbearable. I never fell back asleep and was exhausted and crying all day (while working - but at least from home, thank goodness).

i am so ready to not be in pain for like 2 days already. it’s been over a month since i have felt comfortable and pain-free in my own body and just when the incision pain was starting to wain, this bitch-ass ear infection pops up. i can also feel the other ear starting to act weird like my first one did in the days prior to the infection pain, so i have a terrible feeling i’m going to end up with a double-ear infection. 

i'm finally starting to feel normal-ish again (aka my guts don't feel like they're going to fall out everytime i move).

it's 4:30am, my lower back is screaming and i have retreated to the couch to see if a change in sleeping surface will help.

findings: it doesnt. 😩

i know this will end eventually, but right now i just want to die.

i showered! hallelu! i'm human again.

outer bandages came off.

suture bandages still on. those will come off on their own sometime in the next couple of weeks.

was rough. my back hurts, but i cant sleep on my side because my incisions pull. my bellybutton itches like crazy all the time and my soft palate is so swollen i feel like i constantly need to clear my throat (probably from the breathing tube).

getting up and down during the day is getting easier, but i still have to wake stephanie up to help me in the middle of the night, so we both woke groggily this morning when it was time for her to work at 7 and for me to get out of bed because my back was screaming.

i have six days left of pain medicine if i conserve it correctly and combine it with ibuprofen, though truth be told i'd rather just take enough to sleep all day for 3 days and hope that this all passes during that time.

i need to write up a list of things i need to accomplish this week (calling on getting my motorcycle up and running, writing up craigslist posts for things we need to sell, etc) so that i am at least slightly productive during this week of downtime.

and voila! i now only have one fallopian tube and one ovary (and thankfully no 13cm cyst).

i am sore and drowsy, but overall i feel pretty okay. the oxy is helping with the pain, but i need to get stool softener, because i remember how scary it was to poop after aug was born and i'm already dreading it now.

stephanie was a total peach and bought a wonderful spread of sushi, which i've been eating on and off - i get full really quickly, probably because everything is a bit swollen still.

i cleaned my basement storage unit:

dear god why:

its 6am. i was up until midnight. preschool is in 1.5 hours. work is in 2 hours. 💀😴👎🏼

halfway thru the night ^^^

bar, linens, art stuff and much more packed by the end of the night ^^^^^^

reward time ^^^^^

ran a second batch of boxes over to the house today, then packed up 7 more boxes this evening.

i'm fucking exhausted and i'm only 2/5s of my way through. add that to the fact that i was up at 5:45am, worked all day and found out that my parents' move out date got moved back at least 1.5 weeks (UGH) and my day has been challenging. we'll prolly be living in the basement of the house for at least a few weeks and i seriously can't even.

my apartment looked like a tornado tore through it at 1pm, but at 11:15 i'm happy to say it's been slightly tamed.

i've pulled everything off the walls (art and shelves) except for the television and its mount. i've filled all of the holes with spackle and most of the deco has been packed. it's very bare and weird in here, but also feels good.

we took over 10 small boxes to the new house and then i came home and packed up 5 more large boxes with bathroom/makeup/hair stuff, more deco and sewing items.

i am exhausted but i know i have to press on, so that only the big items need to be moved post-surgery, which friends have offered to help with (bless).

i've packed auguste's lunch and set out our clothes for tomorrow, so now its time for bourbon and a quick shower before hitting th hay for six and a half hours of sleep(ish).