i write

You said everything you ever did was for me. We both knew it was never for me, it was for the ego you beheld and the revenge you seeked.

You pushed me away in the name of protecting me when all I needed, was just you, but in a no man's land, you sacrificed every good in you.

Isn't it weird how you wanted me to dedicate my everything for you when you kept shattering me into pieces?

You never let me talk even though I tried to make myself heard maybe because you never wanted to know.

Hands tied, words unheard and yet I was told "You're so selfish for this! Have you ever thought of me?" The child in me screamed for help and only you, could never hear it.

It was always late for our wounds to heal, then your words continued to pierce my heart and a million hands awaited to help you twist it deeper.

Morning kisses and pretty smiles? Those eyes that shine when they see you for a while!

Evening coffees to midnight walks, it's a fever dream! Atleast once, even I wanna have that sweet talk.

What do I get to see? Well i get to see,

His eyes that meet mine but never stays for long, the awkwardness ugh I'm so done!

I hear him laugh, I hear him giggle and I try to hide it but I do blush a little.

That smirk on his face when he knows he's winning, seeing him smile at me? Well, it's a win-win.

Waiting for him to pass by me just to get a glance, the long-tiring walks suddenly seems fun.

Blue is my favourite colour I think it's his too, but that green shirt hits different, only if he knew!

I question myself if it's the right thing to do? But what do I know about something I've never been through?!

He has the most beautiful eyes and the prettiest smile I'd ever seen

His princely charm and royal gaze never failed to keep me amazed

His sweet talk , his royal walk, everything seems beyond perfection perhaps cannot be phrased.

He possessed the calmness of a sea and anger of a storm yet he is the epitome of kindness,

No man could ever make me feel that way that he does!

The mole on his cheek, has me blushing!

One day, I suddenly screamed, as trauma filled my mind, and flashbacks flooded my eyes.

I tried to strive with a smile and this time I was called out for being wise!

My mind knew the truth still the heart denied,

Delusion still felt better so I let these thoughts reside.

But it slowly ate me from the inside,

A people pleaser pleased until her knees went numb with blood,

Yet strained every nerve behind the door without screams being heard.

Stood alone as the moon though known to be surrounded by stars,

I was pleased to meet a devil who treated me better,

He refused a deal but protected me like Heather.

He had a tattoo etched into him perhaps, he was etched into my soul.

He was an angel to me while a devil to the rest of the world.

When he said he would leave me alone,

I pleaded for a deal and pledged my soul.

Didn't understand 'why me' didn't understand 'why not me'

The questions were left unanswered,

And so were the bonds deceased!

'Later' took too long and now I don't even know if I have to wait anymore...

I was stranded because I stayed and now I cannot see a door.

Stood there looking forward to an ending that never began,

For a new beginning from the end where I stand.

"I'm weak", "I'm tired" but non of these sound true to you,

I was destined to see your tears but not your happiness! How does it sound fair to you?

But perhaps non of this is new to you!

To even feel the pain, there is nothing anymore.

Maybe I should have been away from the start,

Maybe I should have not let you reach my heart.

The 'search for home' costed me my life,

You called me your moon, but you forgot that moon goes through phases,

I said that you were my sun, though you burn I basked in your blazes.

My love for you was like the flames, constantly burning,and never on seize.

But the love you had for me was never stable like the waves of the sea!

It looked beautiful from far yet treacherous,

they said, 'it's a phase, perhaps', i denied.

only the moon knows how many tears i've dried.

i'd never tried, or realised

that in the name of true love,

you'd always lied.

one day, i held a knife. you said it hurt you.

what about the all the drops of crimson i bled for you?

i etched your lies into pretty little tattoos,

love,

hid each scar, for a short glance from you.

you were no god, but i made you my religion.

you're telling me i shouldn't have loved you the way i did?

you were the sunshine, now you've set our house ablaze,

you said i was your favourite book,

but my character hadn't lived the first page.

so in the end, from these ties of attachment

i set myself free;

it had always been me, not we.

i was forced to take a step back, but you didn't see,

He was a criminal, and I was innocent,

but that's not how it actually went.

He was gentle only to me, I turned aggressive,

Did he become mine? Oh, I really wish!

He walked me through the storm and said it was easy,

I believed him holding his hands, and he turned every thorn into a daisy.

He never let me down, and I knew lying was his habit,

But were we happy the whole time? Oh, I really wish!

Things went down the lane, and I had to make a choice,

Though I chose him, he did not make me his vice.

He was accused, but I was guilty and pissed,

Did we fight the war together? Oh, I really wish!

Years passed; I was pretending to regain the smile that I lost,

Family, friends, and everyone was around. Still, I was in a maze of thoughts.

Whilst the chill breeze, a man appeared, making me feel the same way I did last time,

I cried out loud, praying to God once again to make him mine.

Tears flood my eyes while hiding my smile of joy

He came back to me and asked me not to cry, but how could I?

This had to be the end, but was it this?

In this world filled with greed for power and lust, do good people still exist?

In the midst of a storm, when the sky cried and negativity escalated,

Hope was nowhere to be found, and the end seemed definite;

There was a sudden change in the wind – It felt different.

A ray of sunlight held my hand, and I was no more feeling cold,

The presence of the sun never exhausted me, but I was never before told,

How to react – when you were always unloved and now someone makes you feel loved.

I feared the rays would burn me; did the sun ever intend it?

No, everything was quiet, but I carried my fears like a lunatic.

I lived in the moonlight praying for hope, and morning sunshine gave me all of it,

I'll be a fool if I still feel good people don't exist.

Staring at the moon through the window, I sat,

With thoughts numb and movements stagnant,

Remembering how my day was and reminiscing the past along that.

How I let people walk over me, assuming they were walking with me.

About how I could have loved myself a bit more and not revive the traumatized me.

Blamed my health and told I was high on medicines but was that true?

No idea, perhaps it's the anxiety I've been through.

Will changing myself actually relieve me?

It just brings out the better version of me who everyone needs, except me!

It striked me hard how being oneself is looked down upon...

While all I need is a hug and all I want to hear is "it's ok you're not alone"

A cool breeze woke me up from my thoughts, and now I was looking down,

I lift my head up and see the moon again but now being surrounded by clouds.

And when clouds moved away, the moon apparently looked prettier than before.

As the moonlight touched my cheek, a ray of hope arised,

Making me want to let the pain out my chest, aloud I cried.

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