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As requested by anon. :)

[Previously - the diaries of Unohana, Grimmjow, Urahara, Szayel, Rukia, Ichigo, and Shinji]

If Aizen kept a super secret diary where he could write down his real thoughts and feelings, what would some of the excerpts look like?

1. Dear Diary,

There is no longer any denying it. I truly am the strongest individual in the universe. Therefore I am alone, and will always be alone. The only thing left for me to do is to become the ruler of everything. I have a plan. It is too long to tell you about, but it is very good. It should only take a couple of hundred years to implement. It is nice to have a purpose.

2. Dear Diary,

Just because I am alone does not mean I am not allowed to have minions. There are two in particular that have caught my eye. One is a noble young man who is bitter about the death of his friend and who wants to bring about justice. I have convinced him that justice lies with me. That was very important, as he is blind and therefore immune to my illusion powers, so he might have made trouble for me later. It would have totally sucked to have had to kill a blind guy.

The other one is a tiny child who likes murder. I feel good about that. Sure, he wants to murder me, but I can roll with it.

3. Dear Diary,

The time has come for me to be a lieutenant. I have decided to become the lieutenant of the Squad 5 captain, Hirako Shinji. He seems to be the most intelligent, the most crafty, and his blond hair is just so beautiful. I will be interested to see whether or not he can discern any tiny part of my plan.

4. Dear Diary,

Captain Hirako has noticed that I am - different (or evil, as he might say), so he is keeping me at arm’s length.

Rude.

5. Dear Diary,

Captain Hirako is such a moron. If he thinks that I am evil, then obviously he should get as close to me as possible in order to learn my every secret. Like, this is exactly why I hired Murder Child! But instead, he just tries to spy on me which is so boring because it’s like so easy to trick him using my illusion powers and I’m just so disappointed in him this isn’t even fun I am so done.

I think I am going to kill him and all of his friends. 

That’s not an overreaction, is it?

6. Dear Diary,

Hirako’s face when I turned him into a hollow. That’s something that’s going to keep me warm on cold nights. Such a pity that Urahara Kisuke interrupted us. At least it gave me somebody to blame.

7. Dear Diary,

It has been a while since I have written, I know. I have been very busy, becoming captain, running illicit experiments, spying, all of these things. Nothing much has changed. I grow ever smarter, more well informed, and more poweful. Tosen remains blind and obsessed with justice. The murder child has grown up into the world’s creepiest-looking adult. I am super going to use that in the future. 

Oh, and I told Ichimaru what my secret weakness is. His face was priceless. He’s my favorite toy.

I also have a lieutenant now, Hinamori Momo. She is super obsessed with me. It is almost embarrassing to watch. What kind of lieutenant becomes that obsessed with their captain?

8. Dear Diary,

You will never believe what has occurred. I released one of my experimental hollow into the world of the living. It attacked a shinigami captain, and then bit a Quincy woman. The two of them were clearly protecting each other, the Quincy woman and the Squad 10 captain, I mean. 

I have never understood until this day what shipping meant. That Quincy woman and that shinigami man are my OTP, and I will not rest until they have a tiny Quincy-shinigami-hollow baby.

Then I will watch that baby forever.

It is so wonderful to have a new hobby.

9. Dear Diary,

Human babies grow so slowly oh my god.

10. Dear Diary,

As you may or may not know, I long ago misplaced that hogyoku that isn’t mine, the one that Urahara Kisuke made that is vastly inferior to mine. Well, I found it. It is in the world of the living. Urahara Kisuke hid it inside the body of a shinigami, a hiding place so bad that it is probably a trap. But whatever. Urahara Kisuke could never come up with a trap that could capture me.

I already have like four plans for how to get the hogyoku back. I’m going to go with the one that is very complicated.

I love complicated plans so much.

11. Dear Diary,

Everything is going well. Almost too well. It’s like - isn’t anybody *curious* about why Kuchiki Rukia is being executed for a minor offense?? I sent her BROTHER to arrest her, for crying out loud. And even he’s like, “Whatever. Seems legit.” I’m just so - disappointed. What is the point of making a complicated plan with dozens of contingencies if everybody just rolls with Plan A?

I need a GOOD nemesis, dammit!

12. Dear Diary,

Faked my death. Wrote a note blaming Hitsugaya. Even that worked. I just want to weep for the stupidity of my fellow man.

At least my shinigami-hollow-Quincy baby has grown up into a fine young man who can swing a sword. Not very smart though. 

13. Dear Diary,

I stabbed Hinamori today. It seemed like the nicest thing to do. Not sure she died, though, which is weird, since she was standing right in front of me. She must have been wearing armor or something. Weird.

14. Dear Diary,

FINALLY my plot was a little foiled! Like, at least Kurosaki Ichigo managed to rescue Rukia, even if getting her back was super easy. Like, super super easy. “Oh let’s rescue Rukia by running down the one path that leads away from the execution grounds - no one will think to stop us there!” Why.

But at least I got to use Plan B. Not plans C-G (thanks for that, fail-igami), but at least Plan B. It was too simple, though. I just reached inside Rukia, and took the hogyoku. She didn’t even die.

Urahara Kisuke is such a softie. That is why he will never defeat me.

15. Dear Diary,

Yesterday I ascended into the sky on a beam of light. It was pretty sweet. I crushed my glasses, which was also pretty sweet, although now I’m gonna have to go a few days before my contacts arrive and I’m pretty sure Gin keeps moving furniture into my path.

As requested gins-avenger. :)

[Need more drunk texts in your life?]

So, what kind of texts might Aizen send if he happened to be drinking a lot and forgot to hide his cell phone?

1. To Gin (9:00pm)

Gin why do you always keep your eyes closed? Is it so that you don’t see the haters?

2. To Gin (9:05pm)

or is it because you can’t bear to look at the extreme failure that is your life?

3. To Gin (9:10pm)

LOL

4. To Grimmjow (9:30pm)

I am typing this with my spiritual pressure

5. To Ichigo (10:00pm)

Kurosaki Ichigo The thing you doing right now is all according to my design.

6. To Ichigo (10:15pm)

ew why did you have your phone in the bathroom?? you disgust me, kurosaki ichigo

7. To Ichigo (10:30pm)

and the disgust is by my own design

8. To Ichigo (10:40pm)

it does too make sense.

9. To Hitsugaya (11:00pm)

This is Aizen. Texting you a text from Aizen’s phone. You are probably convinced that it is therefore not Aizen.

9. To Hitsugaya (11:15pm)

i want you to know that you were my second fav pawn the first was kurasoi ichiogo

10. To Hitsugaya (11:30pm)

why my second fav you ask? b/c facial expressions so good

11. To Tosen (12:00am)

do pelple make the ‘justice is blind’ joke to you a lot

12. To Tosen (12:15am)

thx for cutting off grimmy’s arm that one time btw

13. To Tosen (12:30am)

could awlays rely on you tp be justice guy

14. To Halibel (12:45am)

heard you’re queen now congrats all b/c i on purpose didn’t kill you yr welcome

15. To Hinamori (1:00am)

i

16. To Hinamori (1:05am)

dind’t mean to dsend that your not even in my phone

17. To Hinamori (1:10am)

actually i did mean to send tht both of them

18. To Hinamori (1:15am)

it’s a whole design thing u wouldn’t undersatnd

19. To Hinamori (1:20am)

btw shinji is a pervet and a liar and a bd friend and you should know those things

20. To Hinamori (1:25am)

im serious he’s bad news and you should never date him

21. To Hinamori (1:30am)

just syaing

22. To Urahara (1:45am)

something i need to say to you urayahra kikue your hat must block you brain cause u act super dumb

23. To Urahara (2:00am)

i’m a winner and you’re not

24. To Urahara (2:15am)

and the soul king is dumb too

25. To Orihime (2:30am)

u know i said it was all kyrasike ichigou but truth is your powers did rock just a little

26. To Ginjo (2:40am)

complicated plans are me thing yo copycat

27. To Yhwach (3:00am)

IT’S NOT ALL YOUR PLAN IT’S ALL MY PLAN YU INSUFFEARBLE KUMQUAT

28. To Shinji (3:15am)

heard you’ve been losing i was all yup shinij

29. To Shinji (3:30am)

it’s funny how yoru zanpakuto does like one sense and mine does them all cause it’s like mine is better

30. To Shinji (4:00am)

As requested by anon. :)

Aizen will now deign to answer some of the questions that you all sent in!

1. shillow1106 said: During most of the espada arc, you were seen sitting in a throne. Was it comfortable or something? Because it looked like concrete, and concrete isn’t very comfortable…

Aizen: It was made of stone.

Aizen: Which, granted, would not be a comfortable material to sit on for most people.

Aizen: But I am not most people.

Aizen: And my ass is *very* strong.

2. the-awkward-triplet said: What’s up with the butterfly wings / lupusgalaxia said: How did it feel when you became a butterfly? / ainsusyaga said: Why are you a butterfly of all things? How come you didn’t decide to be a bee or a moth or a dragonfly or a ladybug or something? / magicwafflestm said: Out of all of the things you could have ever become with the Hogyoku, why in the world a butterfly? / setiaprenn said: so aizen, why the butterfly

Aizen: Do you not remember that when I was in Soul Society, all of the hell butterflies were under my control?

Aizen: I am the lord of the butterflies.

3. machina-spes said: Why the mullet look?

Aizen: Mullets are power.

Aizen: Characters gain mullets when they rapidly increase in power.

Aizen: Which is exactly why I am keeping an eye on that Tatsuki person.

4. depthsofdorkiness said: Why did you lead Momo on as far as you did? I don’t believe it was necessary to your master plan. / sweetprincessandpreaches said: Why did you have to attempt to murder Hinamori? I mean she’s the exact opposite of Shinji, whom you hate! Is that part of your plan or your just an asshole?! / bleachpeach5 said: Why were you so insistent on breaking Hinamori? Was there a part of you that felt special that she couldn’t function without you for a while?

Aizen: I made Hinamori entirely dependent on me because I could.

Aizen: I then tried to murder her because I am nice.

Aizen: I do not know why any of that confuses you.

5. mlunamoore said: Aizen, if you were to be in a dance competition, who would you choose to be your partner for the tango?

Aizen: Shihoin Yoruichi.

Aizen:  Because she definitely has the legs for a tango.

Aizen: And I’m pretty sure it would make Urahara Kisuke really angry.

6. theknightofthatcurryramencup said: was the whole getting imprisoned in muken all apart of your plan? / mietie117 said: so… was being defeated and locked up all apart of your plan, if so how? I mean really, you can’t even move how are you going to defeat the soul society if you are in prison? 

Aizen: Of course it was part of my plan.

Aizen: Everything is part of my plan.

Aizen: Or do you actually believe that I would allow myself to lose to a teenager that I myself powered up?

Aizen: That would be madness.

7. mazikem said: What’s your plan to get out of Muken? / nii-kun-san said: since you turned yhwach down, do you actually have a plan to escape the bondage chair or… / seraph-fighter said: Do you plan on breaking out of the bondage chair anytime soon? We both know your plenty strong enough to do so. And are you going to help against the Quincy’s or work with them? / shufflecakes said: Aizen taichou, when will you come back?? Yuwach will not go down easily!! Please help us :O / fateh-black said: Aizen, let’s have an honest answer, do you plan to fight alongside Ichigo to defeat Ywhach?

Aizen: When the time is right, yes, I will leave this ridiculous prison.

Aizen: But I will not “join” the Quincy or the shinigami.

Aizen: I am my own side.

Aizen: As for which side will join me, though…

Aizen: Well. We will have to wait and see.

8. 7emptymirrors said: Do you actually have bankai, or did you just release your shikai and tell the examiners you had it?

Aizen: Yes, I have a bankai. 

Aizen: Did I use it in my captain’s examination, though?

Aizen: No, of course not. The examination did not merit it.

Aizen: And besides, using my shikai is always hilarious.

9. xxxxanimebitchxxxx said: Did you really only kidnap Orihime to get Ichigo or were you truly interested in Orihime’s power??

Aizen: As I said, I kidnapped her to get to Kurosaki Ichigo.

Aizen: What is the alternative? That I kidnapped her because I thought I could use her power and then realized that I was wrong and so made up a story about kidnapping her to get to Kurosaki Ichigo in order to cover my mistake?

Aizen: That doesn’t sound like me.

10. gins-avenger said: Why do you Like stalking so much

Aizen: If I don’t watch them, then how will I manipulate everyone into doing what I want?

11. poliwrath77 said: why did you take gin with you if you knew he would betray you?

Aizen: I wanted to see how he would attempt to kill me.

Aizen: I thought it would be funny.

Aizen: I was right.

12. captaintoshirohitsugaya said: Aizen is Askin your long lost brother?

Aizen: You think that Quincy is related to me simply because of a passing resemblance in our hair styles?

Aizen: Life must be very confusing for you.

13. secretninja312 said: what’s your favorite passtime now that you’re tied in a bondage chair?

Aizen: Planning my next monologue, of course.

Aizen: It will be awesome.

14. digitalyukio said: How the hell can you get tea from Hueco Mondo?

Aizen: I had a wish-granting hogyoku and a subordinate whose zanpakuto created water.

Aizen: The rest was easy.

15. hollowgirl136 said: So were the glasses fake or do you use contacts now?

Aizen: I am a god. The glasses were fake, of course.

Aizen: And all of those youtube videos of me running into furniture and cursing a lot after losing my glasses?

Aizen: Fake.

As requested by anon. :)

It is time for Aizen to find himself committed to a psych ward! Here are the notes from his doctor.

Day 1:

Subject: Aizen Sosuke

Age: 45

Hair color: Brown

Occupation: Unemployed

Today’s patient was referred to me by a Dr. Urahara (I have not had the pleasure but his credentials are impressive). Patient is currently an inmate at an unknown prison, and has been temporarily transferred here for psychological evaluation. Dr. Urahara has warned that he must remain restrained at all times. (I now wish that I didn’t watch Silence of the Lambs last week.)

I will know more after the intake interview. Information listed above was provided by Dr. Urahara. Patient himself has not yet spoken.

Day 1 Addendum

I asked the subject to confirm the details that were provided to me by Dr. Urahara. Subject became highly agitated about Dr. Urahara’s answers being “wrong.” He lists his age not as 45 but as “far longer than your human mind could comprehend.” He says his hair color does not matter, only its length. He also insists that “unemployed” gives the wrong impression, as he is employed by his mission to “occupy the empty throne in the sky.”

The subject seems to have a hostile relationship with his previous doctor. This may, in fact, be why Dr. Urahara asked me to step in as a neutral observer. 

Subject may have an inferiority complex about his age and current unemployment. Interestingly, instead of insisting that he is younger than he truly is, he insists that he is far older. This, psychologically speaking, allows him to embrace an old age that frightens him by turning it into something special and impressive. A very neat psychological trick. 

Day 2:

Today the subject complained that the shampoo we give patients at this hospital is “not adequate.” I apologized on behalf of the hospital, and then asked why the subject felt that it was inadequate. Subject did not answer immediately. Finally he said, with evident anger, that his “hair lock had gone limp!” He then blew upwards in what I assume was an attempt to make his one long piece of bangs less limp. He then looked at me and said, “See?”

It was in fact hanging into his eyes a bit. I asked if he wanted it to be cut, or perhaps clipped back. He seemed horrified by both suggestions. 

Is the subject’s hair lock a stand-in for his penis? 

Day 3

Today I asked the subject if he would be willing to tell me about the reason he is incarcerated. This time, I did not mention that Dr. Urahara already gave me the details of his crime.

The subject told me that he was attempting to overthrow the “soul king” but that the king’s “senseless and unthinking subjects” stopped him and locked up him up for his supposed crimes. I asked what this “soul king” was ruler of. The subject answered “the universe.”

I then pointed out that according to the police reports submitted by Dr. Urahara, the subject was arrested because he was attacking a 15-year-old boy while dressed as a butterfly. I asked what connection this teenager had to the “soul king.”

The subject merely smiled and answered that it was “not yet time” to reveal that.

It is clear that the subject, in order to validate what he fears is a mundane existence, has created a narrative that elevates himself and his actions. Here, he has taken common assault against a teenager and turned into a narrative of political resistance - no, more than that. For he is not resisting a governor or politician, but the king of the universe. Subject must always see his actions in the most epic of terms.

The question is: how does he fit this teenager into his delusion? And why a butterfly? Also, what does the this “soul king” represent? Did the subject have a traumatic experience involving jazz?

Day 4

I may have discovered the root of the subject’s delusions: he needs to feel that he has complete control over every aspect not only of his own life, but any life that intersects with his.

I give an example from today’s session. When I asked the subject to talk more about the teenager that he attacked, the subject corrected me, saying that the teenager had attacked him. At first I thought that the subject was merely deflecting responsibility, but it was quite the opposite: the subject went on to explain that the teenager attacked him because the subject *planned it that way.*

The narrative into which the subject launched was as long as it was scarcely believable. The subject bragged that he had manipulated this teenager from birth and even before - the subject even credits himself with bringing the teenager’s parents together. The subject bragged that he made this teenager strong enough to fight him, and that he did so deliberately. He added, near the end, that he only lost the fight because he wanted to. 

This is fascinating. Most people, when faced with failure, will make excuses for how it is not their fault. The subject does the opposite: he justifies his failures by declaring that failing was his plan the whole time. Not only that, but he feels the need to take credit for all events leading up to that failure: his own and those of the other party. This far beyond any need for control that I have ever witnessed before. 

Perhaps, given the subjects pathological need to control everything, I have my answer for who the “king of the universe” represents. He may represent the forces in the subject’s life that he cannot even pretend to control: this would explain the subjects overwhelming need to destroy this king, and his belief that the king’s “rule” is “corrupt.” In the subject’s mind, nobody but him should have control. 

Day 5

Today the subject asked if he could have some tea. I said that I could not remove his restraints, but that he could have some tea if he was willing to allow me to feed it to him. I was curious to see if a man with such a strong need for control would allow this.

To my surprise, he did. He must really love tea.

He did, however, inform me that he could escape any time he wanted.

Day 6

Today I asked the subject to tell me about his former employment. I wished to see if I could gain more insight into his need for control. The subject asked me which job I meant - his time as the “ruler of Hueco Mundo,” his time as a “captain of the Gotei-13” or his time as the “lieutenant of the Gotei-13.” Most of these words were unfamiliar to me (although Gotei-13 sounds vaguely familiar - have I heard this mentioned by a patient before?), still I noted the use of ranking words - lieutenant then captain then ruler. 

I decided to ask him first about his time as a lieutenant, curious as I was about how he would describe a time in his life when he was another person’s subordinate. 

The subject told me that his boss, Hirako Shinji, was afraid of him, and therefore refused to get close to him. As a result, the subject caused Hirako (and all of his friends!) to get fired. He then took over his former boss’s position.

There is probably a core of truth to this obviously exaggerated tale. Although it unlikely that the subject managed to get *eight people* fired, it is possible that he had a hand in Shinji’s firing. Although, to be honest, I doubt it. Much more likely is that his boss happened to get fired, and the subject (unable to credit anything to an agency other than his own) decided to make it part of his “plan.”

Another question is what the actual job was, as it is unlikely to have been a military post. My guess would be some sort of impersonal office job, which the subject turned into an exciting military post. 

The detail that Shinji “refused to get close to him” intrigues me - perhaps the subject’s pathological need for control has made it difficult for him to make human connections. Loneliness may be a driving factor of his pathology. 

Day 7:

Today I asked the subject if he had ever had other problems with not connecting to people, as he had had with his boss Shinji. The subject responded that he has always had problems connecting, because his “spiritual pressure” is so great that nobody can understand him (it seems I was right about loneliness being a major factor for him). The next bit is worth quoting in its entirety.

Me: So people have always kept their distance from you?

Subject: There was one woman - my subordinate - who became obsessed with me. Her name was Hinamori.

Me: Did anything come of that?

Subject: Of course. Her obsession was all part of my plan.

Subject: I faked my death, and then left a note telling her to kill one of her closest friends. She attempted to do so, but failed.

Subject: I had intended for her and her friend to kill each other.

Subject: As it was, I was forced to stab her myself.

Me: You killed her?

Subject: No, she was fine.

Me: What happened to the friend she was supposed to kill?

Subject: I stabbed him too.

Me: He died?

Subject: No he was fine.

Me: So your plan failed?

Subject: No it worked perfectly.

Notice that the subject’s obsessive need for everything to be part of his “plan” coexists with his admission that details of his plan failed entirely. It is fascinating - the subject is able to excuse anything and everything just so long as he can call it a “plan.” Even if it makes no logical sense. 

Day 8

Today I finally asked the subject why he fought the teenager while dressed as a butterfly. The subject informed me, with some annoyance, that he was not *dressed* as a butterfly - he turned into a butterfly.

He then said that butterflies, as messengers in the afterlife, are symbols of death and change, and that therefore it was perfect for him as the emblem of a new era. 

I pointed out, as gently as I could, that he lost to the teenager and then got arrested, so how was he the emblem of a new era?

He said that his plan wasn’t done yet. He seemed annoyed.

Day 9

As requested by gracie-bro. :)

Let’s say that everything about Bleach is exactly the same as in canon…except that Aizen has to babysit two small children throughout all of Bleach. What sort of things might Aizen find himself saying?

1. “THE HOGYOKU IS NOT A TOY, BILLY, PUT IT DOWN!”

2. “Sally, put down Uncle Sosuke’s glasses! Sally! Give those back! Uncle Sosuke needs them for his disguise!”

3. “Here, Uncle Sosuke made you your own fake glasses. Isn’t that neat?”

4. “No, Billy, we don’t wear fake mustaches.”

5. “Because they look ridiculous, that’s why.”

6. “Now, remember, we all need to be quiet while Uncle Sosuke thinks about his evil plan. That means you, Sally.”

7. “As impressed as I am that you know all the lyrics to all the songs in Lion King, now really isn’t the time.”

8. “Let’s play a game, you two. It’s called ‘Let’s be as quiet as possible so that nobody knows we’re hiding in Central-46.’”

9. “DEAD PEOPLE ARE NOT A TOY, BILLY! STOP TRYING TO POSE THE CENTRAL-46 GUYS!”

10. “Oh, Uncle Gin said it was okay, did he? Well, what did I say about listening to Uncle Gin?”

11. “That’s right. Anything he says that seems fun is a lie.”

12. “Sally, please don’t hug Lieutenant Hinamori. You’re going to make this next part awkward.”

13. “All right, you two. Hold my hands. We are going to Sogyoku Hill.”

14. “I’M SERIOUS, BILLY! DON’T TOUCH THE LIGHT OR YOUR HAND WILL DISSOLVE!”

15. “Stop squirming. We’ve only been rising into the sky for like two seconds! Now please be quiet - I need to say something dramatic!”

16. “…that also was not the time for Lion King songs, Sally.”

17. “Here we are in Hueco Mundo, children. Please make yourselves at home.”

18. “There is no McDonald’s in Hueco Mundo, Sally.”

19. “No, there is also no arcade.”

20. “T-those things weren’t in Soul Society either! Why would you expect them here!”

21. “Yes, Sally. Grimmjow certainly is your pet cat and you can make him wear whatever outfits you want.”

22. “Billy, this is Uncle Sosuke’s throne. Please sit on your own, slightly smaller throne.”

23. “Well, I get the big throne because I am an adult.”

24. “Sally, did you glue Ulquiorra’s eye sparkles to this drawing of yours?”

25. “Yes, it is very pretty. But please use the glitter I bought you.”

26. “How would you kids like to go to the human world to watch Uncle Sosuke destroy the universe? Doesn’t that sound fun?”

27. “Gin….this is serious. Please do not give the children marshmallows and encourage them to roast them on the flames encircling us.”

28. “Because it rather ruins the mood, that’s why.”

29. “Okay, kids. Stay here with Uncle Tosen while I go and kill some people.”

30. “What the - WHAT ARE YOU DOING FIGHTING KOMAMURA WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING, TOSEN?!?”

31. “Well, I’m sure exploding taught *him* a lesson.”

32. “Kids! Come on! We’re going to Soul Society now!”

33. “Let’s play a game. It’s called - ‘Hunting Teenagers For Sport.’”

34. “No running, Sally. We don’t run in the Hunting Teenagers For Sport Game.”

35. “Don’t worry about the kids, Kurosaki Ichigo. They’re used to seeing me stab people. They won’t mind if you - OH MY GOD LET GO OF MY FACE!”

36. “Urahara Kisuke, before you cart me off to jail, could you return the kids to their parents?”

we’re drops in the ocean & oceans in a drop

#RumiHumbleMashup