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WHEN ARE THEY GONNA LET DOUGAL DIXON DO A COUCH GAG
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It's never too early to start preparing your Christmas cards
WHEN ARE THEY GONNA LET DOUGAL DIXON DO A COUCH GAG

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In spec evo, there's a concept known as the "seed world" (or seed planet), a thought experiment where a planet capable of hosting life (usually from earth biology) is "seeded" with a few select organisms (and other starting conditions), and potential evolutionary-timescale outcomes of this are then speculated upon. For instance, what if there was a planet that was basically Earth as we know it except there's no vertebrates, and then someone adds a bunch of ducks? What niches would the ducks diversify into? Would any of them evolve into cool megafauna? What would it take for ducks to evolve into avian moles? Interesting stuff. But not what I'm doing here today.
Many of you will say that I was so preoccupied with the starting assumption that McDonaldland characters are species rather than individuals that I didn't stop to think if I should, and I agree. Anyway this is my seed world - "McDonaldland" - about 50 million years after a terraformed earthlike world was seeded with classic McDonaldland characters for an advertising stunt, part of a promotional tie-in with a movie about alien planets or something (records from this era are spotty at best). This stunt directly led to increased sales of McDonald's products for many Earth-years, but once the promotion was over the planet was filed away and forgotten about for around 50 million years.
We've got a towering therizinobirdie having a snack, a bunch of western lowland gorilmaces hanging out on a nice warm rock, and some apex predator descendents of fry kids fighting over a burgersnake, which we can tell is unhappy to be considered a meal. A trio of hamburlugos glide among the treetops, eyeing up the other burgersnakes as they slither away. Sadly, none of the lineages descending from clowns made it this far.
McScientists documenting this ecosystem after its rediscovery by McDonald's archivists are intrigued to note the example of convergent evolution on display with the "sentient hamburger" seed-species evolving into snakes. Anacondas and buns, together at last.
I humbly offer this solution to the Flying Crab paradox which I also just made up so I could offer a solution to it
Some of my favorites from C. M. Kosemen's sketchbook Tangent Worlds:
Two friends, a fungus-man and a meat ghost with multiple eyes, are baffled by the implications of a triangle that should not exist.
A feminine spirit rescues another from torment at the hands of malevolent beings.
Anatomical studies and drawings of animals which evolved in a universe where telekinesis is real. The oversized brains of these Telekinesizoans are used for lifting the animal and manipulating food items. Only a small section of the brains are used for conscious perception, effectively making most Telekinesizoans quite “dim.” An “advanced” form, with almost no visible appendages.
Advanced Telekinesizoans move not by levitating themselves, but by manipulating the air flows around them. This predatory form (a Polteropterygid,) strikes its victim with stone missiles that it hurls by telekinetic force.
Different species of Telekinesizoan herbivores have different "signature” items that they sculpt and carry with themselves as they forage. These ornate items, carved telekinetically out of stone or wood, serve both as display structures and weapons.
The para-insect species seen on the left had the remarkable ability to speak, not unlike a parrot. I saw them repeat word-like sounds in idle moments, yet their forest world contained no intelligent species. I was unnerved and hurriedly severed all connections with that particular Earth.
Sketches of “final beings” that will live a billion years from now. These beings have the ability to look into the “space between spaces” and catch glimpses of the past.
Sketches of reptiles which fly by “propellers” powered by coils of tightly-winding muscle fibers. The propeller-blade-like “fingers” reverse their pitch as they rewind, ensuing continual forward thrust.
On the distant world of Zarnia, gravity is high and plant life resembles flat, green-and-purple tiles of road pavement. This combination of flat terrain and hard surfaces has enabled the evolution of a spectacular way of life: Zarnia has animals with wheels instead of legs. Left, This long-necked herbivore defends itself with mace-like swings of its armored head. Right, Male and female varieties of a herbivorous tetracycl species.
It is hard to perceive time directly when moving across dimensions. I couldn’t tell which forms were the ancestors and which were the descendants in this transition between intelligent, human-like beings and asinine reptiles.
All beings seen on this page are descendants of nanotechnological “crystal machines” which blossomed into their own ecology after being created as industrial tools by an older race. Reproducing through “intelligently designed” blueprints modified and mutated through errors of transcription, they exhibited a spectacular, quasi-Darwinian evolutionary process in action. The world of the crystal beasts was also noteworthy in that it was home to actual “ghosts” and “spirits;” vagrant AIs and semisentient processing software left over from the age of industry. Such “ghosts,” transmitted through radio organs present in most species, could “possess” individual animals and get them to engage in unusual, self-aware behavior, or even produce virgin births and “twisted” offspring drastically different from their parents.
A “plains sweeper” which ran across grasslands and fed on clouds of small “insects.”
Members of an alien group of animals which have convergently evolved to resemble dinosaurs of the earth’s past.
Sketch of the vast beings that lived on salt flats and fed on air.
Three species of cursorial “advanced” Martian spiders, with fully erect limbs, hips derived from the initial leg segments, internal pseudoskeletons and advanced respiration. The species seen here is one of the top predators of this world.
Visions of winged reptiles (unrelated to pterosaurs,) that sail on the calm lakes like living boats. Their long, supple necks help them catch fish. It seems like not all saillizards come from the same lineage - there were many different combinations of limbs, wings and sails.
Art is the most certain sign of intelligence. This page shows a selection of dinosauroid cave-art. Cave art depicting a pack of tyrant-raptors, dangerous predators of the dinosauroids.
Sketch of a neosauropod gentleman with a tasteful covering of body paint and an ornate smoking pipe that denotes his status as a herd-orator. The sonorous conversations of these beings can be heard, like thunder, for hundreds of miles.
Holy shit judges are gonna use chatgpt to write verdicts
FUCK

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Wait for the master.
The amount of confidence oozing from this dude
i re-watched it several times, looking for what he does differently. finally i spotted it. look at the line of motion in his strike. it’s not especially fast, he doesn’t wind up more than the others, and it’s not a matter of strength – the guy who knocked over the stand probably put more muscle into it. but there’s a unity of movement he has that the others lack. his body and sword are all one curve. everything moves at once along the same line.
from a physics perspective, that means all the force he’s applying is concentrated at the point of contact between his sword’s edge and the target, and it moves at just the speed that breakage propogates through the material. too slow and it wouldn’t have enough force; too fast and he’d get ahead of the break, shoving the target over instead of cutting it.
from a writing perspective, that means that i should focus on describing a master swordsman’s smoothness more than their strength or speed, and can also have witnesses be confused at the effectiveness of strikes that don’t actually seem all that fast.
Martial arts are all about physics, my karate sensei is has a mechanic/physics diploma and he loves to explain the biomechanics of human body and how this was turned into fight via martial arts. It’s a very good way to teach. The sword master has a larger stance of the feet, much more than the others, allowing his barycenter to lower and thus giving more stability. This, united with the movement of the sword that follows the angle of his body increases the power of the blow without actually using too much muscle strength. Pretty sure he’s also just tending (not contracting) the muscles under the armpits, near the rib cage, the serratus anterior. That makes a huge difference.
What do you think social media would be like if everyone could freely delete everyone else's posts
Possibly it would be paradise
May your fossil be one day be labeled as some kind of "saurus", and may the name stick long after you have been reidentified as a mammal
Choerosaurus dejageri, the permian therocephalian with a funny face.
I watched the first episode of surviving earth and that led me down a rabbit hole on permian therapsids and my new favorite extinct animal. It's a funny dog. I didn't know much about therocephalians and they're a lot more diverse than I thought! The bosses on Choerosaurus' skull is thought to be for display as they're too fragile for headbutting.
It's such a minor peeve to feel so profoundly but it's AGONIZING how impossible it is and always will be to get "birds are dinosaurs" into people's heads. "Birds descend from dinosaurs" is the top best you can do, if at all.
If all mammals went extinct except bats, you bet a hypothetical future civilization would pull the same shit with them. A small consolation

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I know this is literally impossible without making the Patagotitan/Argentinosaurus huge or the Bee Hummingbird smaller than a lego stud, but I still dream of an accurate dinosaur toy line that includes birds where everything is to scale with each other. it's the dream, okay. I want to put a tiny lego stud sized bee hummingbird toy on top of a titanosaur head. it's the damn dream.
like. I'm aware of the problem in my idea. I'm very aware. I want it anyway. I desire the chaos. I desire the educational tool this would be. I demand the insanity.
If a bee hummingbird is 5mm, argentinosaurus would be 3 meters big :)
I do not in fact see a problem with this
Those fucks got RANGE
I feel like I need to share this because idk if Europeans are familiar with the presence of Aldi in the US, but at least especially in my area they’ve been growing a lot recently. Like Aldi bought out some local failing grocery chains where I live (Louisiana) and have opened Aldis in all these somewhat rural communities and small towns, which for the record I’m fine with
But as a result of this they are advertising a lot more in my area and also in many cases, the people in these areas have never been confronted with Aldi or any European grocery store. So the ads that Aldi is pushing out to its new US customer base feature a cowboy shopping at Aldi who is explaining to new Aldi customers how Aldi works. Like this cowboy is explaining you gotta put a quarter in the shopping cart and why there are very little name brands. A cowboy is how they want to reach their American customer base. They gave us a cowboy
Here he is, the Aldi Cowboy
This literally happened, I’m not joking. ALSO I’M NOT USED TO DELIVERY ROBOTS BEING EVERYWHERE???
PATREON
Bittern at the grocery store
A very elegant crime.
(edit: my partner just pointed out that maybe the bittern is going to pay, and that's a good point)
Don't worry, his disguise was flawless and he got away with his snack :)

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Flexible feather armor
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