S.G.

I mourn the people I’ve lost.

Both of them hurt the same, the difference is I know one of those is out there and maybe I have a chance of reaching back, trying to mend my errors, hear their voice one more time, see their eyes and feel their hug once again, with the others I don’t, even if I scream, cry, beg or pray they are not coming back.

In this one I yearn for you, for your touch and your presence, I crave your laughter and your sweet contagious smile directed at me, I miss seeing you drive and dance along the music we have on, in this one I hear how you don’t want to be in a relationship anytime soon.

Because that is the way I think people who I am attracted to would ever react if I asked them or if they were asked the same exact questions.

Utter disgust, pure repulsion, a negative so loud everybody would hear, I feel like if they even think about it they’ll go nauseous.

Am I that disgusting? That horrible that you cannot bear the thought of you liking me?

I think constantly about you and the idea of us, about how would it feel like if your lips were pressed against mine, your hands clasped in my hair, your arms surrounding my body.

How would it feel if you told me you love me, what do you like about me the most and how you miss me when we are apart.

It messes with my head so much, because I know the chances of it not happening are bigger than anything.

I dream of you constantly, almost everything and in those dreams all my wishes and expectations and yearning become a reality, but then the alarm goes off, I wake up just to realize it is all in my head, that in reality you must be kissing someone else, holding another body and keeping their bed warm.

Taunting you, making you feel like I am a diluted version of her, of what you had, tormenting you, making you realize that I will never be her, that new memories will be made but she will always be in the back of your mind and heart.

Tears are falling down my face because I know my chances are almost nonexistent, because I cannot stop thinking about your beautiful eyes, your lovely freckles and the sound of your voice calling my name, because even if I try to love someone else I know the idea of you will be present on each step.

I crave the stories you tell me, your presence, your perfume, your warmth, I crave you, I can’t get enough, I would give up anything for you to feel the way that I do.

I want us to be a team, to love each other through thick and thin, to make you laugh when you are happy and to be your comforting shoulder where you can cry on.

I want to remember everything about you, what you love, what you dislike, your favorite songs, your favorite places, the important dates and what you felt the first time we kissed.

What would I give to know if you feel the same way that I do, to know if you want me to stroke your hair, or to hold your hand to walk you through all your dreams and hopes, to know if throughout your day I ever cross your mind.

Sometimes I forget about this, when I am sitting on a bench, having a smoke, seeing the light that passes through the trees touching my skin; feeling everything that surrounds me as mine.

And sometimes it feels unbearable, when I am speaking with you, and how you speak about the girl you love, how yo have travelled the world, how you are feeling amazing now, I feel like I am just watching from afar, even when I am centimeters away from you.