🖤 Just Here Existing 🖤

Y/n walked through the corridor. Not paying attention, not wanting to look at the familiar paths where the memories that she shared with Severus were still fresh. She continued walking but accidentally collided with McGonagall. Startled, she nearly stumbled but was caught by the elder professor's supportive grip. "Y/n, what happened to you?" Minerva's voice trembled with concern. She had always regarded Y/n as a capable and resilient witch, and Y/n had never failed to prove her right. However, the person standing before her now was not the same strong witch she had known. Instead, she saw a shattered woman who appeared drained of life. 

"I…I… I am here to get….Sev’s belongings." Y/n spoke, gripping Severus’ cloak tighter around her frame. Her eyes teared up. His scent was fading. She quickly started to make her way towards the potion class, with McGonagall right behind her, trying to keep up with her.

"Oh dear, don’t worry, I have kept his belongings aside. I was just waiting for you to come back…Y/n, wait." McGonagall tried to get a hold of Y/n. 

Y/n frantically entered the potion classroom that was in session. Slughorn was teaching the class, and the students looked at her. Severus was not here...he is no longer here. Minerva entered the classroom immediately. "I am sorry, Professor. I am just trying to find my…my… 

Slughorn interrupted. "It’s alright, Professor L/n. I understand. Why don’t you come after the class is over? I will make sure no one touches a thing."

Y/n thanked him. McGonagall gave Slughorn a kind smile. "Thank you, Professor. I apologise. She didn’t mean to barge in like this and interrupt you."

Slughorn ruefully chuckled. "You don’t need to worry. I understand. She needs you right now, and don’t worry about the class."

McGonagall showed her approval with a nod and escorted Y/n to her office. "Please have a seat. I will prepare some tea for you," she said before hurrying to her side table with her back turned to Y/n. While making tea, Minerva bit her palm to suppress a sob that threatened to escape. She gripped the table tightly as her hand trembled. She immediately wiped her tears after the tea was ready. 

"Here you go, dear." Minerva decided to keep the cup on the table instead handing it in her hand, seeing how they were trembling. Minerva started to make her way towards her chair when she felt Y/n’s hand grip her wrist. Y/n held her hand tenderly, looking at her apologetically. "I’m so sorry, Minerva. I am deeply sorry. I don’t know what came over me…I just…" Minerva stopped her rambling by cupping her cheek. 

Y/n broke down crying as soon as she felt her comforting touch. McGonagall held her closer, trying her best to hold back her tears. McGonagall herself felt so empty. For the newcomers, she gave her best smile, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t miss Dumbledore and Snape.  

McGonagall kneeled in front of Y/n. "I should be the one apologising. My…I...called Severus coward. I didn’t check up on you for the last three months." Her voice cracked as she tightly held onto Y/n’s hand, looking at her in guilt.

Y/n immediately shook her head. "You wouldn’t have known. It's not your fault. And honestly, I didn’t realise I needed anyone’s help. I was trying to get used to not having Severus around. I....I miss him so much." Y/n cried as she held Minerva's hand. Her heart broke at how distant and broken Y/n looked. 

"Would you like to come back and teach students again? It will take your mind off, and you can come to talk to me whenever you want." Minerva asked, subtly hiding her cry for help. 

"I will try Minerva… I honestly don’t even have the energy to eat food…I don’t know how I will be able to teach." Y/n didn’t think she would even be able to visit Hogwarts. It felt empty, like her home without Severus. "But I will try." 

Minerva patted Y/n’s shoulder. "I’ll drop you off at the office, come on, get up." She tried to cheer Y/n up as she smiled at her, who couldn’t help but smile back at her. 

McGonagall opened the door and saw Slughorn in front of her. "Ahh, Professor L/n. I was looking for you only." Y/n looked at Slughorn with guilt. Her grief had driven her to madness. They must think she is crazy for trying to find her boyfriend's belongings as if she were looking for a treasure. Yes, she might have gone crazy trying to find anything that reminded her of Severus’ presence, as if he never left her.

Y/n was brought back to reality when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Professor Slughorn looked at her in concern. "I hope you find something." He handed her the keys, which felt cold in her palm. She smiled thankfully at him as she walked towards the potion classroom. Minerva held onto the doorframe as she cried, and Slughorn patted her shoulder, trying to comfort her. He provided his shoulder for her to cry on and be vulnerable for once. "We should go with her." Minerva nodded and composed herself before following Slughorn to the potion classroom.

— 

The classroom’s door opened with a creak. Y/n noticed it felt colder, or maybe it was always cold, and she never noticed because she was always so full of adrenaline and excitement at the idea of meeting Severus.  

When she entered, she looked around, almost expecting his voice to call out her name, to feel his arms around her waist and his breath on her skin. She closed her eyes, trying not to break down in tears as she made her way towards his desk. Slughorn led Y/n to a worn cupboard. "I have put all his stuff in here. If you need us, we are by the entrance." Y/n nodded and waited for Slughorn to leave.

She ran her hand over the worn cupboard, feeling the small cracks and holes under her touch. Y/n saw two drawers and opened the first to find question papers and assignments. She opened the drawer and found his Advanced Potions book. Her palm brushed away the dust that had started to collect on his book, and she opened it and immediately recognised his handwriting. 

Other than that, there were just assignment papers and class notes. Y/n let out a disappointed sigh as her frantic hands tried to find something amidst the bundle of paperwork. Suddenly, she felt a velvet box under her finger. She immediately started taking out all the papers and placing them on the floor when an envelope flew out of the bundle and landed on her foot. 

She bent down to see that it was addressed to her. Her fingers immediately tore the front of the envelope, taking out the letter. Her eyes widened when she recognised that Severus had written this letter. She sat on the cold floor, reading what he had written. 

Dear Y/nn, 

I have disappointed you. No amount of apology will correct my actions. I have always been a liar, a cheat, and a threat. Yet I don’t understand how you can love me. You always gave me comfort and warmth when I tried to push you away. You know, whenever you were lying on my chest, claiming that you were listening to my heartbeat, or when you would make soup for me wherever I fell sick, or when you held me close to you whenever I had a nightmare, I questioned my fate. Where have you been my whole life?

My time with you feels so brief. I don’t know how long I have or if I will even get to see you for the last time before I die. I have more chances of making it out of this war dead than alive. I have committed too many sins to stay alive. However, any good deed that I may have done in my life was rewarded when you came into my life. 

I may not be around for this, but I wanted to do this ever since that day when we just couldn’t stop laughing. I want to marry you, Y/n. I want to keep holding your hand, keep making you smile, and keep loving you even if I don’t deserve it. Some selfish part of me wishes I could find you before this letter does and put that ring on your finger myself. But if I don't, then know that I will always love you, and I am always with you, holding your hand when you need me. If I am granted a last wish, I hope you can accept me as your husband. I am not good with my words, which have led to so many fights between us, so if I don’t make it, I hope you know how much I love you, and if I am counting my last breath, I will hope you can forgive me and accept me. 

Yours, 

Severus Snape 

Y/n held the letter to her chest as she sobbed. The sound of her wails worried McGonagall, and she immediately was by her side, letting her cry on her shoulder. Minerva got up to close the drawer but stopped when she saw a velvet ring box. Her eyes clouded with tears when she opened the box to reveal a diamond ring. Severus was planning to propose Y/n. She sat beside Y/n, who held onto her tightly. Her hands caressed Y/n’s back as she tried to calm down the younger witch. 

Once she calmed down, Minerva handed her the ring box. Y/n took out the ring and wore it. "I love you so much, Severus." Y/n mumbled against the ring, a silent promise that they would see each other soon and that she would love him. Always.