the pantaloon

That new girlfriend of yours must be paying off, look at you using big words like empathise. How many times were you dropped on your head as a child? Just curious because you have known me how many years and yet you still act all surprised that I’m a bitch. Well, guess what, Evans? I am a bitch. I’m such a bitch that not only will it be in my obituary, it’ll be on my fucking headstone! You wanna try and get along? Then don’t insinuate that you have any fucking clue what it’s like to fill out paperwork for a disease that is quite literally trying to kill you! While you’re at it, don’t imply that I’m the reason for your fucking divorce! Yes, I’m with Quinn now, but you’re the one that went around sticking his pencil dick in some other chick so don’t you dare talk to me about getting the fuck along when you try to imply the reason your marriage ended was because of me. At least grow a pair and man up, own your fuck up cos that’s what you did, Sam, you FUCKED UP! I’m not complaining cos I’ve been in love with Quinn for years and now I get maybe a few months of getting to show her that but at least I can own up to that shit. If Lucy wants to hate me, that’s her decision, but at least I can say I’m honest with your daughter, very much like I am with mine. Never, EVER try to use Quinn or Lucy as a pathetic excuse to make a dig at me for something that you’re too much of a ballsack to own.

You know what, I’m just going to take this agression from you and not try to say anything back. I admit, maybe I’m being a little insensitive, but I’m fucking trying. I’m not perfect, I’m clearly flawed, I’m just trying. Sorry I cheated on Q, our relationship was over long before that happened, the both of us were to afraid to say it. I’m sorry I’m a bad dad to Lucy and that she turned out like me, I’m sorry I fucking tried to talk to you. I’m just fucking sorry, what do you want from me?

Excuse you? I would know that? Funny, I recall your infidelity being the reason for your divorce. Nor do I remember your divorce or any divorce that I’ve ever come across as being life threatening so how about you shut those overgrown, botox filled, flapping lips of yours and leave Q the fuck out of this because oddly enough, she has nothing to do with cancer or medical insurance either.

Jeeze, I was just trying empathize with you Santana. You didn't have to go and be such a bitch. I thought if you’re going to be with my daughter’s mom we should at least try to get along, but I guess not. 

Jesus fucking Christ! If cancer doesn’t kill me, filling out all this damn paperwork for insurance will. 

Paperwork is a bitch, Q and I had to fill out so much paperwork for our divorce, but you would know that.

Jayne: You're useless.

Sam: I know, I know.

Sam: I miss you babe, can I come over and eat the cheese and cookies please? Now I want you and I want foood.

[minutes later]

Jayne: Okay but what KIND of cheese?

Sam: I don't know.

Jayne: Already on my list.

Jayne: Anything else?

Sam: This is why I love you.

Lily: Good.

Lily: and I'm sorry about how I reacted... I'm just... I'd have given anything to salvage the relationship I had with my mother...

Sam: Don't be sorry, you're right. I'm being irrational because I was unhappy for so many years and I just want to start my life with Jayne, you know?

Harper: when was the last time you checked the internet mr. video games?

Harper: Maybe.

Harper: From what Lily has told me, this woman could kill you if she wanted to.

Harper: Speaking of the not-so-dark-haired wonder, do you know anything about this sister she's found?

Sam: Oh I don't know, a few days probably. I've been really focused on playing through the Zelda games.

Sam: Jayne could totally kill me if she wanted to, but I don't think she would want to... At least I hope not.

Lily: Basically.

Jayne: But when I want to enjoy my fantasy superhero threesomes there's a certain lack, depending on who I choose. Supergirl is a good option...

Jayne: Wait... did we decide later today or?

Sam: Can we please fuck Black Widow? She's so hot and smart and her origin story is the best.

Harper: you'll see

Harper: Nah, the second one is abusive af. It's purposeful leaving with no intent of return.

Harper: Sounds like my kind of lady.

Sam: I'll see? That's pretty mysterious.

Sam: That is true, I think I read that last text wrong.

Lily: As someone who had a shit relationship with her mother, it doesn't matter if Lucy's an adult or not, your actions can make or break that relationship. They hurt her. YOU hurt her. So stop being a selfish ass for once in your goddamn fucking life, and consider that your actions have consequences! This is about turning your mistresses into her step mother. You're risking what little bit of a relationship you have with her. Don't fucking shut your daughter out of your life because you've got what you want. It's wrong and I won't stand for it.

Jayne: Wouldn't have to be just me if you weren't straight.

Jayne: Works for me.

Sam: I'm sorry I'm straight, but I'm into women who aren't straight so there's something...?

Harper: she was right... let's hope you never get drafted...

Harper: wait, what KIND of forgetting? cause there's the "I'm walking away to be a tease" which could lead to forgetting to come back and then there's walking away and leaving you there on purpose...

Harper: I didn't, but now I'm curious.

Sam: Who was right?

Sam: I think it started out as the first one, but turned into the second kind of walking away.

Jayne: He's STILL hot. Would totally say 'yes' if asked to fuck.

Jayne: I mean, both work. What time?

Sam: I'm going to ignore that last part because I don't want to imagine my girlfriend fucking Deadpool.

Harper: Been a while since I've seen you

Harper: Girlfriend leave you tied to a bedpost?

Sam: It has been a while hasn't it? I'd like to lie and say I've been busy, but truthfully video games are consuming my life.

Sam: She's tied me to a bedpost many times, but only forgot me there once...