And so it goes...

I want to fuck you.

But I don't want to leave you, confused. I never meant to hurt you. I keep feeling love fill up my body and suddenly;

a poem by my 5th grade self...

I learned that people change 

that junk food rocks and social studies stinks

That night is fun and G movies are boring that people can be mean

But they can't change you that 32x15 is 480 And that school food doesn't taste good

I woke up late today, my cat was crying, the neighbors loving;  echo's in the hall, speaking of the day's tasks, laughing, taking lovers breaths.

I didn't want to open my eyes, but the sun begged shining through the blinds, asking me to be kind I made a mockery of that star; my only friend I turned over, luring sleep to fill the air.

My cat kept crying, neighbors speaking, sending kisses and sayings of good intentions the doors slammed, the cat hushed silence and solace rushed.

I stretched my legs, rolled towards the window bade hello to the sun and stared, the space next to my body, so empty yet seemingly warm my brain unfogging, slowly; remembering, no one's there

The floor creaked underneath me as I dared to see the day florescent lights greeted my pale face my eyes strained staring at the woes of yesterday and the limiting promise of this day

Remembering that time, when you found me reading

You studied me

You said I was beautiful

Were you really that enamored? Is that when you fell in love?

I found you standing, fixated in front of a door

I watched from afar

I chuckled to myself

I fell in love with you in that moment, when insignificance intrigued you most

And now, you stand in my door

And I lay in my bed, reading

We watch each other, unsure of movement

I don't know who else whispers your name, who desires your skin, who you call something like a lover. And I'm not sure it matters, the names & labels, but I wouldn't mind to see your night light smile again.

But fuck, how dangerous you are to me. Seemingly easy and carefree; disgusted by details and indulging in instances, in moments. Seconds of pure joy and freedom. How do you give into life so easily? How can you Just let go.

We felt alive Or at least we tried. You always loved meek women, though you protested different.

I think my will proved too strong for you All the things I knew, Of love and stories and music You first fell for, but grew to regret

We fought over the details And often failed To listen to them To listen to one another

I still have such strong love for you, for us together But I think we were both bothered And grew tired We ended.

My bones are tired, and my head is itchy.

I want somewhere new.

Friendship is not a single sided bounce board-

         it will loose absorbency if treated so, be left afloat

It's a balancing act-such is life- a hit or miss with advice and love 

but general do well intentions

You forget.

While you are stuck in your own selfish head, quiet chaos

to care for those around you, you have to remember how to assemble 

a balance

of full ears 

versus

We sat quiet and begged our shoulders to cave into each other, but our bodies felt foreign while our minds were away.

"We've been faking it for too long," your lips parted, "I feel like a stray."

I made a conscious decision, of that I'm sure, to stop living under your shadow, to stop taking the fall.

But I thought we could coexist in the warm sun-- both lovers and thinkers collecting it all.

It's almost as if our passion burned too bright for any kind of containment and it burst one day, put us at bay.

"I guess we can no longer ignore it," I say, as my eyes ache, no longer receiving the love that you once gave. 

It's a weird feeling. To be so empty and full at the same time. We're reaching new places but replacing the faces.

"I feel at fault." But we both know there's no one to blame. No winners or losers, just a sadness that can't be concealed. A new empty that we together built in order to find strength alone.

Emotions and dreams dancing in blue and purple

And I want you to be near me

Because I want you to whisper poetry in my ear

While you fuck me

And I want to make you toast and tea

Lazy hazy Sundays spent as one

And I want nothing more then to fall

Freely and willingly down this spiral of passion

Never ceasing, never slowing

Until I see the light dance on your face

And I’ll know then that we’re complete. 

It's funny how once you get everything you once ever wanted,

I have no clue what I want.