Warm Nights And Cold Words
a/n \ summary - this is a part 2 to my Cool Nights And Hot Tears fic so go read that if u haven't. basically, reader has a breakdown and sam helps them through it. they're also in college now.
warnings- there's mentions of bad mental health (including sh) too so please be aware of that.
a warm air flowed through the night. Sam was asleep in your shared bedroom (which was barely even a bedroom, it was a bed separated from the rest of the apartment by a curtain), yet you stayed in the kitchen, hands holding a cup of coffee thad had lost its warmth. you gazed out the window, seeing no moon outside. you looked over at a small, unique chart you'd been given for your birthday. it described the different moon phases and their meanings. Tonight must be a new moon. Squinting at the small letters, you saw that a new moon meant a time for clean slates and thoughts.
and how convenient was that?
recently, you and sam had been arguing. despite you doing everything you could to help him during his bad times, he never even acknowledged your feelings.
a time for clean slates, you looked at the words again. had you also thought about leaving sam? possibly... would you actually do it though? no. you were too afraid of being by yourself. after all, how bad would your mental state be then? seriously, without Sam to distract you, you'd probably end up in a-
a voice brought you out of your raging thoughts.
"what're you doing?" sam's tired, sleepy voice came from the bed.
you turned to look at him. he was wearing a wrinkled nine inch nails shirt, the one you'd gotten when you saw them live with him.
"just drinking." you replied with a monotone voice, not in the mood to talk.
Sam looked at you for a moment before sighing and walking over to you. "You sound pissed."
"then why aren't you in bed?"
"because I needed a drink." you dismissed him.
"fine. just come back soon, okay?" he huffed.
no matter how tough he would try to act, sam would always melt around you. you nodded in reply.
a few more minutes passed of your other thinking before you got back into bed. he wrapped his arms around you instantly, and I didn't take long for him to fall back asleep. You looked around the room, still wide awake. glancing at the posters of bands- especially the OhGr's Welt one. You'd listened to the album hundreds of times, yet never really got a hold of what that creature on the cover was supposed to be. eventually, whilst staring at jonathan davis on a korn poster, you fell into sleep.
a few hours later you were woken up to the sound of sams singing-shouting cover of Tom Sawyer by Deadsy in the shower. you loved that band, but jesus christ it was painful to be woken up to sams voice cracking.
you didn't have any lessons today, thank fuck. deciding to sleep in, you put your headphones on to drown out your boyfriend's horrendous cover in the next room. the soothing sound of siouxsie and the banshees lulled you back into the hypnagogic state.
the rest of the day went fine. you caught up on your favourite TV shows- specifically Supernatural- and made sure at least one of your assignments was done.
the night sky settled over the town again. Sam was next to you on the couch, watching friday the 13th. you spaced out, beginning to other think everything again.
the arguments. the sleepless nights. the hurt. the pain. the trauma that you couldn't even remember.
in fact, you hated yourself for not even remembering what made you this way. if you were so tough, why couldn't you face what was probably your younger self being dramatic? Pathetic. You thought to yourself. or had you thought.
Sam looked up at you. "Huh?"
oh fuck. you'd said it out loud, hadn't you?
"alright." he turned his head back to the TV.
a part of you hurt. why did he always do that? why didn't he push? why didn't he help you? i mean, you were obviously sinking into another depressive state. you huffed in frustration, picking at your nails.
"you're pissed. Why? Why're you always so mad all the time?" He sat up from your chest, where he'd previously been resting.
"im not. I'm just tired."
"well somethings clearly wrong. just say it, it's not that hard."
"you should understand more than anyone. what it's like to not be able to talk about your feelings."
he knew what you were referring to. That night about a year ago when he'd broke down and told you everything after keeping it in for so long.
"I also know how good it feels when you do tell someone. So spit it out."
You got up and walked away into the kitchen, way too stressed out to start another bullshit argument with sam. You put your head in your hands, elbows resting on the counters.
"Stop ignoring me," he followed you, "just talk, for fucks sake."
you shut out his words, your mind suddenly spiraling. everything that had been hidden in a dark corner of your memories spilled out. (warning for mentions of SH here) Nights where you were alone, left with the pain of being neglected and used for nothing good, nights where the cold, sharp razor was the only thing that made you feel something.
"hey! I'm trying to talk to you!" Sam raised his voice next to you, trying to pull you out of your thoughts.
However, in the flurry of all of your experiences, a raised voice didn't help. Out of fear and instinct, you hit him in defense, falling to the floor afterward.
he held his cheek where you'd hit him before looking at you again. he crouched slowly and carefully.
"sweetheart...? what's going on? talk to me, please." Sam spoke gently now, trying to soothe you as best as he could.
"I don't know myself anymore, sam." You cried, "im worthless. All I do is pretend that the scars aren't permanent, and when I look back at them, I realise I shouldn't even be here anymore. I'll just fucking relapse in the end anyways." your voice shook, and Sam moved closer to you.
he knew you weren't just talking about the physical scars, but the mental ones too.
"baby, listen to me, okay?" he held you, moving your head into his chest, "you're not worthless at all. You're the strongest, most kindest, and most powerful person I know. I love you, so much."
he ran his fingers through your hair, guiding you through deep breaths.
"just tell me about everything that's happened. I dont care if you think it's too dark or twisted to say, because you can't hide these memories anymore. It'll only cause you more pain." he placed a soft kiss to your head.
you eventually calmed down and he moved you to the bed. he made you a warm cup of coffee and laid down with you, letting you go through your trauma one step at a time.
You both knew it wouldn't be easy. It was going to be a long journey. But you would do it for each other. For you.
And now, the sky shone with a bright waxing crescent moon, which said something about sending hopes and desires into the world. Maybe, along with the moon, you could grow to shine brightly again.
