sam

I talked to AJ today. I told him about everything. He understood completely. I even took him to my shrink. It’s still hard, but it’s getting easier and easier to cope. I learned more about Caroline. I guess she was the one who created poets corner many years ago. There was this back closet in the room. When I went in there, their were so many poems everywhere. They were all Caroline’s. She was in so much pain. I could feel it as I read every single one of her writings. It felt good. I feel okay now.

I want to explain what happened yesterday. I asked AJ if he had seen Caroline lately. He looked so confused. I thought he was messing with me at first. Caroline has been with me through all of poets corner. At least that’s what I thought. AJ got scared, he said Caroline killed her sled years ago. I felt my entire body shut down. I went to sues office as quick as i could. I could feel all the tears stream down my face. She wasn’t there. I just left and drove off. When I was alone, I looked it up, and then i remembered. When the eights and I were all hanging out together years ago, and article popped up about a girl who killed herself. It was caroline. After I read it sure got me and we went to her house to talk. I told her everything. She said that because I was anxious about school, I took this person I saw years ago, and created them. All the things I did with caroline, weren’t real. I know she’s been dead, but it feels like she just died. I’m trying to cope but I can’t do anything except lay in my bed. I haven’t talked to AJ. I feel like I messed it up. He knows i’m crazy how.

fuck. caroline isn’t real. she’s not real. what the fuck. this is crazy. i’m crazy. what the fuck is going on. i can’t do this. idk this is. she’s not real she’s not real she’s not real. she’s dead. she’s a dead girl. i feel like i’m dying.

I haven’t seen Caroline around in awhile. It’s hard to contact her because she doesn’t have a phone. She thinks technology poisons the brain lmao. I hope I see her soon. Anyways, AJ and I told everyone in poets corner about us. They were all very supportive and sweet. I’m going to tell the eights soon, i’m nervous but Sue said it will be good for me.

I just got back home from the pool. It was amazing. We swam a little, but then he kissed me. I felt like a god. I was shaking from excitement. I’m so happy about how things went. We are dating now, but we decided to keep quite about it for awhile.

AJ and I have been getting closer. Every time I think i’m going to tell him about my OCD, I chicken out. I really want him to know, but what if it scares him away. That’s the last thing I want to do. Today after school I’m taking AJ to where i write my poems. That means the pool. I’m bery nervous, but excited. I normally write when i’m done with swim practice. It’s a very special place to me and I hope he sees that.

Today was the first time I read at poets coroner. I was so nervous, but caroline helped me out in the crowed. They really liked it. All these people are so nice and amazing. I think this so where i’m supposed to be. I also opened up to Caroline about my OCD. This is the first person i’ve ever told, besidesmy family of course. Caroline understood and said she took antidepressants for awhile. It feels good to share such this huge secret.

Today I got officially initiated into poets cornor. AJ left me down there alone to read all the poems. There are so many. They are all so good. I was down there for hours. When I came back up, AJ was waiting for me. He forgave me for everything I did. I feel a little better, but I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

I’ve been getting more and more distant from the crazy eights. I’ve been spending lunch with Caroline in the theatre. She’s been helping me write poems. I’m very nervous, but excited to read them aloud for the first time. Caroline said AJ will except me eventually. I hope she’s right.

I ran into AJ in the hallway today. He was still very weird towards me. After he left Katelyn came up to me. She said we used to bully him all the time for his lisp. I understand it now. I feel awful. Why would i do it. And he would Katelyn still think it’s funny. We made the poor kid move schools. I hope I can makes this better.

Caroline came over today to help me with poems. I was asking her about AJ. She said I did something to him. She won’t tell me what. I’m freaking out because i can’t remember. I’ll keep trying to figure it out.

Today was Alexis birthday party. She ended up being able to choose one more person to go with. She chose me. I could tell hannah was upset about it. It was weird though. We went to a spa and got facials, but when we ate after that, they had me sit at a separate table with her mom. I don’t think these people are my true friends.