new day same tofu

is he

I wanted a friend. And now he is more. 

I can relate to him in many ways. 

I like him a lot. But is it sexual?

I kind of have feelings for him too, but I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to tie myself down to someone here and I don’t want to jeopardize my friendship with him.

I don’t want to have to sacrifice my friendship.

We have a lot in common. We both love talking and diving into our ideas....he gave me a book for xmas that relates a lot to out related interests. 

It feels like he sees now, after many years, how intelligent I am. I love my mind. I like being appreciated physically but being understood on another level is far more important to me. 

Of course my father didn’t think that was a valid argument. He was then and still is a devout non-denominational Christian and his argument was that since his doctrine spoke of putting no other images of god before him and rejecting other religions then it was impossible for all of the religions to be equal or simultaneously right. He must have been under the assumption that these different religions worshipped different entities. But if what I understand now is correct, the idea that they are all the same is based on their all being the same god. So nobody is putting other gods before the Christian god, but merely admiring a different side of him.

I found out today. 

I’m so scared I’m gonna lose my mom. 

I’m 25 and I love her so much. It’s not fair. 

I’m not ready to lose her. I know she’s scared but she doesn’t say anything.  

I’m not going to drink tonight. I need to get back on track. Back to daily exercise as a habit, back to making progress in my financial situation, back to studying Turkish and linguistics, back to feeling happy independent of my relationships with others.