Same old rigmarole

No one will read this, but I need to get it off my chest. Friend-zoning needs to stop.

In the recent past, I changed jobs. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. However, to an ex-coworker, this apparently made me a target.

I’ve known this boy (I call men, men, when they act like it) for 4 years. I’ve never treated him any different than any other person I’ve worked with. Because I wasn’t a raging bitch to him from the start we just have a “connection”.

It started with him texting me when he was drunk. I’d blow it off and tell him to sleep it off. It progressed to texting me at a work function I was invited to while his wife was on his arm (did I mention he was married?). I again asked him how many drinks he’d had and when he insisted he was being sincere I, gently but firmly, told him we would never be more than friends.

The way he turned so quickly. “I really feel a connection with you and I know you feel it too.” Strike one was telling me how I should feel. He only knows me through work. He’s never seen the real me. Honestly strike one should have been trying to hit me up when he’s MARRIED. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then he tried to imply I wasn’t interested in men. Like there’s no way in the world he could ever be turned down, I must be a lesbian. Sir, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’d honestly prefer a woman to speaking with you at this point. But I’m asexual. I don’t give a shit about anybody, but that’s none of your damn business and I don’t have to explain myself to you. Not to mention he’s 13 years my senior and MARRIED. Strike two.

I SAID NO. But when has that EVER been enough.

He started texting me in the middle of the night last weekend. I realized the day was coming where I was going to have to be professionally mean. I didn’t respond to the texts stating that he wanted to see me “can you get away?” As if I’m the one that’s sneaking around. He texts again two days later “why didn’t you text me back?” I was sleeping and I don’t owe you anything! He had the audacity to tell me there was no way I was asleep. Boy! I’ve made every decision to NOT have you in my bed. Are you seriously trying to tell me why I didn’t respond.

And you’re thinking. Why entertain this? Why don’t you just tell him to fuck off? Well, the industry I’m in, I can’t lose the connections I have at my old job. Not in a bad way at least. So I’m doing everything I can to not turn this into a bad situation for either of us. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s life here.

TODAY he texts me while I’m at work in meetings all day. “Let’s go get a drink tonight.” I didn’t respond right away. I’m at work. I don’t have time for the bullshit. If no one’s dying, I’ll talk to you later. This fucker texts me an hour later saying “I’ll take that as a no, sorry I won’t bother you anymore.”

Strike three.

One thing that people don’t know/understand about me, I do everything I can to make time for people. I’ve always felt like I’ve bothered those around me. Call it childhood trauma or whatever. This was possibly one of the worst things someone could say to me. I go out of my way to make sure people don’t think I’m bothered by them. This was my tipping point. It infuriated me and I don’t take things sitting down. I put it out there. Told him I wasn’t going to apologize for not getting back to him when I was at work. I’m neither his wife or girlfriend. I owe him nothing. I’ve now said multiple times that this wouldn’t go further than a friendship and I’d hoped that he would respect me enough to accept that and not accuse me of being bothered by him when I make time for people when it’s genuine. And I told him that saying that and treating me this way hurt and I don’t deserve it.

He went off. Apologizing if I misunderstood him and telling me that he would appreciate it if i stopped speaking about it because it’s getting around the office. Boy! I’ve spoken to you. Sorry if you can’t stop running your mouth. And what’s with the gaslighting. I have the receipts. There’s no misunderstanding what you were doing.

But back to the main topic. The whole time he accused me of friend-zoning him. Because I was friendly? Because I listen when people talk? I never asked for anything from him. Never lead him into thinking that this was anything more than friendship, but I’m doing him wrong because I didn’t give in and go out with him? I cared more about my female coworkers than I ever did about him, but I’m the problem because he’s delusional?

Stop saying you’re friend-zoned. YOU misinterpreted a situation. It sucks. It doesn’t feel good. But just own up to it!

We are not to blame for your hurt feelings if we didn’t know or reciprocate them in any way.

I refuse to be villainized because I didn’t go along with a predators schemes. Because that’s all this was. He was trying to manipulate me into doing something that I didn’t want to do. Does that make men feel better? Having a girl give you a sympathy lay because they feel bad for you? Does that not make you feel as small as you are?

Some work days I yearn for the spontaneity of a vagrant altercation to supply some form of excitement to the day. Though I do fear the day it will turn physical. I can almost see it like a premonition. The day I ask someone to leave who is already heated. They’ll take one look at the small woman in front of them and won’t think twice about swinging. I just hope they knock me out with one blow for their sake. That they won’t wake the Monster slumbering inside. The one that won’t stop until it’s opponent is down.

What would it be like to let them wake? Keep myself inside safe while they yell at the world. Some days I can feel them close to the surface. They give me strength. Awakens from their endless slumber just enough to give me the courage to stand up with no regards to the person in front of me. Other times they barely wake to hide me away while blatantly ignoring the confrontation in front of us. Maybe letting them out wouldn’t be so bad.

The thoughts and ideas that we have wouldn’t be accepted where we are. Our own family would feel shame and disappointment at what we believe. The Monster in my head is the only thing that keeps me from feeling completely alone. They understands my beliefs with a ferocity that won’t bend to the comments or actions of those we would hope to love most. They’ve emerged enough that it’s difficult to maintain a conversation with many in my family. We will never understand the entitlement of believing that some are more deserving than others. That the way someone looks or who someone loves should influence how they are treated or their opportunities. That how someone wishes to be seen makes them less than human. I worry for the kids. The fact that they would absolutely feel the need to hide if they differ from the norms that have been decreed acceptable.

I’ve been ostracized myself. It’s no longer the talk of “well, she’s just a little odd” when it comes to my spiritual beliefs. It’s just that I’m wrong completely when it comes to my moralities. It’s upsetting that they’ll never truly know who I am. That their daughter and sister falls into a societal group that they would prefer was never acknowledged. That their daughter and sister would dare speak out in regards to the injustices towards women in society, politics, and medical settings. How quickly they quiet when my Monster briefly awakens when I can no longer tolerate their bigotry. Someday I may let them stay.

It’s increasingly frustrating to me the amount of fear I have in leaving the situation. I have planned for years to leave. To find a new home. Somewhere I could start over. Where I can start a new journey with my Monster beside me rather than hidden away. Maybe I could find a new family who would accept both of us as we are. I could be the same person in public that I am in behind my closed door. I dream of this life. The fear I have leaving is so encompassing that I worry it will never happen. It’s a false fear. If I fail, I would be welcomed back home. But to fail at being myself would destroy me. So I continue to allow them to slowly break my while they simultaneously wonder why our relationships crumble.