this is a love song.

i'm just a man, a man who's trying to help. bruce wayne, the batman, of dc comics written by oz. highly private, highly selective, mutuals only. mixed media, headcanon - inspired, multi - verse, duplicate friendly. ©

and as the beatles said, "all you need is love." and a vera wang dress.

sometimes, well, you just want to witness the beginning of a disaster, so later, when the house is engulfed in flames, you can say, "yup, i was there when they installed the faulty wiring."

you only invited me here so you could passive-aggressively rub my nose in your happiness. at least i would have had the decency to rub your nose in it directly.

it must be so hard being the only one who sees people for what they actually are.

you are ugly and unpleasant and honestly, [name], you're not the original you think you are.

i really want to know, what does the brilliant [name] think about me?

you talk to her again, and me and my boys will mess you up.

enjoy your sham of a marriage.

getting married doesn't remove you from the burden of having to act like a human being.

those two are doomed.

has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage?

you're pretty.

i'm friends with the sister.

so, uh, what you heard about me?

i don't know what i'm doing here. i'm not even attracted to you.

i'm glad this is a one-night thing, so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves.

don't call me "all girls."

you know, right before [name] broke up with me, i started reading her e-mail.

break-ups hurt. i've heard. i don't really do relationships.

i have nervous hands, and they have to stay busy.

i'll sneak out in the morning.

there are no sleepovers.

i'm so glad i'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning.

good morning. so, i've been thinking about ghosts.

i was thinking, he sounds like he had it all worked out, and maybe if i could learn his secrets, then i could fix my problems.

why did you let me sleep so late? i'm famished.

we met in college. well, he was in college, and i sold weed to college kids. then he started giving me books to read, 'cause he saw untapped potential in me.

so, which one of you is giving me a ride to work?

why are you crawling up my ass about this?

did he say anything about me?

you're not gonna see him again, are you?

oh, god, i hope he doesn't think it was, like, an actual thing.

can you be careful where you're putting your makeup, and can you take your feet off the dashboard?

this is a lease.

why'd you have to get married?

i just moved in... over there.

i'm not gay. i'm english.

if there was any doubt that the book industry was dead, it is here in my hand.

you want to hang out sometime?

i'm an adult. do you know what that means? it means that i am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light.

don't even know what i'm paying you for.

you need to apologize so he doesn't sue you.

i'll fire your ass, and it won't mean shit to me.

who keeps food in their purse?

why would you stay over, huh? that's amateur hour.

here i was worried you were gonna get the wrong idea about last night.

i don't know what planet that you're from, but on my planet, someone like you does not just get... this! congratulations, you bagged a weakened gazelle.

last time you said you were coming over, you never showed.

i thought you'd grown sick of me.

i've watched you for two years now get girls to come home with you, and they're always gone in the morning.

now, i don't mind you being jerky with me because i know you care.

you're just an animal living in my house.

we both know there's not a person on this planet that's ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything.

that means something, whether you want to admit it or not.

why would i even listen to you?

you weren't defending anything except for the business interests of evil men.

that may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said.

someone's stolen my car.

you got to admit, that's kind of a baller move.

what's the worst thing you've ever done?

i set my high school on fire to get out of a math test.

why are you telling me that? that's horrible.

it was a great speech. it was funny and true and mean. my favorite kind.

i'm scared of this shit, you know? i don't like it.

you're amazing. you're 19 types of trouble but... amazing.