My F***ed Up World

I would rather be sitting in a room all alone with my thoughts than being with my family having a dinner, watching TV or going out somewhere. I hate this feeling, the feeling of being trapped by not only the people around me but by myself. The moment that I am happy with something or someone a switch goes off in me somewhere that tells me that I am not allowed to feel that way and I plunge into the cold water of lonliness and sadness yet again. I am so used to wearing a mask of happiness around the people that I don't know well that it is easy to fake it until I am home or alone in my car and then the real feelings and emotions show through and the mask crumbles.  I try to be okay, to be better, to not let these feelings take over my life but it seems like that harder that I try the worse they become. I am so tired of fighting all the time to just feel defeated so I stay in this place where people can't hurt me but instead I hurt myself and I hope and pray that one day something will pull me out of this cold , dark hell that I have made for myself and I will be able to see the light that I know was once in my life but I have lost the memories of what it looks like, feels like and sounds like.  But for now I out put on the mask and try to pretend.