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Growing up, I always appreciated and looked up to my father. A gold medal I craved to achieve, yet every medal tarnishes by time, and suddenly become a chore not a desire we drive to achieve.

Love is the same.

Writing this now my dad hasn’t spoken to me for a couple days. Over a stupid little argument, I wonder how he can hate me for so long? Think about me so badly that he chooses to ignore me.

His little princess.

He hasn’t always been an angry person, but when my grandma passed he turned to hate the world. Which included me, my mum and my brother. My favorite people. Him not so much.

I wonder when he will release how scary he is. My stomach jumps everytime he loses control and suddenly I’m empty again.

My mum likes to think she protect me and my brother. Honestly she doesn’t. My dad isn’t a gentleman, he lets my mum walk alone in the dark, lets her cook, takes his anger and frustration out on her and never shows her love.

- unknown

I’m happy. Then upset. Happy again. Furious the next.

My moods flick and flicker and tumble and fumble.

I’m greedy. I’m grateful…

My friends occasionally valued. At other times hated.

Repeat.

I’m happy. Then upset. Happy again. Then furious

We live on Diminutive dopamine doses.

That’s scary.

-Audrey D

Mesmerizing the imperfect, loud, bland beach. I stand. Between him and me.

My bitter crazy curly hair, glisten and shines. When I see him I become insecure of that same hair.

Suddenly it becomes dry, obnoxious and the shine slowly fades away.

Mesmerizing the imperfect, loud, bland beach.

I stand again.

A roller coaster never ending. Except this time I didn’t beg for another free ticket.

I zone out. My mind replays what seemed to be paradise to me. I know I deserve better.

I don’t respect myslef enough.

So here I stand mesmerizing the, imperfect yet so very beautiful, loud yet my world goes quiet the moment I step on the rough sand, bland yet the sunrise projects it’s feelings across the whole sea causing a painting.

So yes I stand here.

Alone.

But never again will I let myself be treated like that.

I have officially jumped of the roller coaster.

This time I didn’t beg for another go.

I swallow my feelings

They build my character

Most times I feel like a amateur.

Again. I swallow my feelings.

My eyes swell, I still remember the last time I fell in this deep hole.

I feel dead.

I’m breathing. But there’s nothing inside.

I swallow my feelings again.

They hit the throat killer.

I try to cry. But the throat killer has cut off my humanity.

One day my throat won’t handle what’s being passed down.

It will explode.

And well I’m scared what’s gonna happen.

You’ll thank me later.

We often choose to view our lives through the darkest, dullest and dimmest lens.

We feel comfort in sadness.

We feel comfort in believing the worst.

We feel comfort in loneliness.

It’s a safe house in the middle of the woods.

Every once in a while, we all try the vibrant lens.

We become so vulnerable.

Most of us return to our shell. Our safe place. While others evolve.