I go between feeling like I go over past experiences too much while simultaneously feeling afraid to tell others for fear of the judgement. For the most part, I try to leave what's in the past behind, wanting to leave it forgotten and forgiven so I can get on with life, to the point that when certain things come up again, it sends me into a frustrated, heartbroken frenzy--or I become fearful of going back into those things at any sight of it.
I was always a bit shy; and I didn't have many friends as a kid past my many family members my age being like friends and some adults who doted on me. Those I did have usually came and went--simply because of life: moves, changing of places, and the like. But back then, I think my shy tendencies were still there, even if I "loved my public", as my parents said, lol. Though, for the most part, I tended to like thinking I'm pretty "normal" despite what I went through in later years...even when I know I have struggle.
It's weird addressing that some struggles and insecurities I have may actually be as a result of my experiences--especially what happened in my own home...even though I know it deep down, but I also hate feeling like I'm simply playing victim and bringing attention to myself. It's especially hard knowing people DO take sides and will judge, rightfully or wrongfully, whether they know the story or not. That's what happens when you found yourself living in the middle of a tug-of-war not even directly related to you, I suppose--the feeling of being pulled in two different directions, while your heart broke in the confusing chaos between two people you love and needed there for you most, knowing the love between you was still there, but an aching awareness of the push and pull. Only God knew sometimes what I--what we--endured.
One of the things I've learned--I remember reading in the past that people who have gone through certain trauma tend to apologize a lot, among other things that may or may not apply to me. I never dwelled on it much even if it did make me think some, until a longtime friend started learning about some of my struggles as they came to front, and I braved up enough to tell the story. Some friends mostly knew and even helped me through certain experiences when it was during the worst years, but he was among some who I hadn't really spoken in detail about those dark times until more recent years. Something just made me worry what they'd think--of me, and of my family. Turned out, he was quite compassionate about it--of course he was. Why would he not be after being friends all these years? Yet something in me held back from every really talking much of it, especially not directly one-on-one. I hadn't thought about it, until recently I was finally told, gently, that I do, in fact, apologize too much to my friends. I realized it once he got me to think about it. It kind of hit me once he pointed it out and started holding me accountable (comically) for it with them, with the joking threat of "bullying" me for it (his way of tough love while trying to make you laugh).
Even though deep down, I am aware of my issues and what may have caused them, it's still a struggle navigating at times. It's weird trying to get myself to accept it, lol. Often times, I feel like I do too many things wrong still, to strangers, and still to friends--whomever--that I do feel like I should apologize frequently for fear of seeming like I don't care--and it's hard, knowing people will and do think what they want or have their own feelings; it's human. It's along the lines of struggling to say "no", I suppose, and my desire to want to try and do what's right and not lead others astray or hurt them no matter how unintentionally. That's the struggle about being human, I guess, heh, knowing darn well I'm not perfect and that sometimes things just happen, while simultaneously beating myself up if I did mess up or fear if I have.
My friends have always told me I didn't need to feel that way for spilling myself the way I have on them often, but somehow that worry has still always nagged at me. Then he finally just said it--and I'm grateful for it. (know that if you read this--you know who you are, lol). It's just one of those things I found myself thinking over, and grow a little emotional learning how to accept.
Sometimes I begin to fear I'll never truly heal and overcome all this, but perhaps it's not always going to be as instant as I'd like for it to be--and that it's a gradual thing. I know things take time..and sometimes things have to be worked through. Perhaps this is part of the process, however small it may seem.
Lord, help me.
7/21/26
