Desire

The first time I watched My Mad Fat Diary, I was around twelve years old — still growing, still developing, and barely beginning to understand myself. Now, nearly a decade later, I’ve returned to the series at 21, and I was genuinely stunned by how deeply I saw myself in Rae.

It’s hard to explain what it means to see a character like Rae Earl on screen — not just a sidekick or comic relief, but the main character. A fat girl with messy thoughts, deep insecurities, and a desire to be loved, seen, and accepted. For so many of us who never got that kind of representation, Rae feels like a lifeline. Watching her is like being told, you’re not crazy for feeling this way, you’re not alone.

And perhaps what makes it hit even harder is that this isn’t some fictional construct — the show is based on real diaries. Real struggles. Real triumphs and heartbreaks. That authenticity seeps into every scene.

When I first saw it — badly dubbed, airing on a local TV channel — a lot went over my head. At twelve, I didn’t fully grasp the depth of the mental health issues, the nuanced portrayals of trauma, anxiety, or the quiet war that is trying to exist in a body the world deems wrong. But even then, I knew Rae was different.

On rewatch, the brilliance of the writing stands out. Every character is layered, flawed, and human. The show doesn’t give you just Rae’s perspective — it allows you to understand the people she’s in conflict with, too. Her mum, her friends, her therapist. It doesn't excuse their actions, but it gives them depth — which, in turn, helps Rae grow.

And to every fat girl who’s ever questioned why someone could love them — Rae’s relationship with Finn hurts in the most accurate way. Only we will understand the internal chaos of being seen by someone like him — this almost mythical, effortlessly cool guy — and thinking, Why me? When the world sees you as a background character, how do you begin to believe you're worthy of the main storyline?

Rae’s voice-over monologues hit like a punch because they say everything we’ve all felt but were too ashamed to admit. The cruel way insecurities can poison joy. How you can’t relax, can’t accept love, can’t even breathe freely, because you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My Mad Fat Diary doesn’t just show a girl struggling. It shows a girl surviving. Laughing. Loving. Screwing up. And slowly — very slowly — learning to forgive herself.

Then that’s what you need to tell yourself. Every time you feel that panic. That anxiety. You need to soothe yourself like you would soothe the little girl... You need to tell yourself that everything’s going to be OK. If you commit to that, then I promise you you’ll be able to face anything. And it starts right now.