A Secret Place To Vent

The clownery is back

I dreamt of a sex club and high school. In both places I was depressed because in the club, he was there but with someone else and I was invisible.

Feeling like a clown rn. I’ve fallen for him again and I know that he doesn’t see me in that light anymore. Saw his profile and he is looooking haha. I know that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. At this point, I’m just waiting to get my feelings hurt again... haha the 🎪 is here 🤡🤡🤡🤡🙃

I feel optimistic about my future with him... is that bad? I feel like I can make it work or we can make it work. I also know that when Jan comes and he doesn’t feel or me at all anymore, I’ll be devastated.

Today I made a mistake and I hope to learn

I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped in the sense that I still want him but I know that there is no way. He moved from me and doesn’t see me the way I see him. I know sex with him means nothing and to me it’s something. Do I want him? I know I do. I don’t know why he can move on so easy. He says that we are not going to be anything more than friends. Today this hurt is deep but it’s a a learning lesson. I know it’s for the best. I don’t even know why I did this today. Did I miss him that much that I needed this pain? I’m just hoping to have my medications work. I hope I get them soon. I miss not feeling this way. *sigh

It’s not gonna work out. He doesn’t see that way anymore. I kinda knew from the beginning, I just needed the hurt I guess. I wish didn’t do it but had to be done.

It sucks

I don’t know...

I think that I’m making a big ass mistake by coming here. Clearly I’m not with the time because it was two hours out behind. I’m just waiting to be rejected again or have my feelings fucked. At this point of the night, I’m just tired. I just wanted to talk and to make a formal apology but it’s turned into just an awkward type of shit. I know he doesn’t even care about me anymore or at least he doesn’t give a fuck about what I have to say. He clearly moved on and does not see me in that way anymore. Why am I even trying to why do I even bother... clown shit

Should I be doing this today? I know I’m just going to look like a clown. I’m tired of this back and forth. I still love him and care for him. But is it the right choice to talk to him about everything? What am I going to say? I’m sorry and I love you so take me back? I hate being the victim of my own crime. I know that he hates me... what should I do?

I woke up feeling ok today. I’m thinking about him less and less. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose the feelings that I had for him. Is that what I need? Is that what I want? Do I really need to move on from him? I know that he didn’t feel the same towards me anymore. Am I willing to do the same for him also?

Today I feel a little less sad. I got help forgetting him today. Today I’m starting my morning with a Bloody Mary, spaghetti, and fried chicken. It still irritates me tho that he is probably with someone else...

Did you throw away all our photos? I can’t bring myself to toss the memories we had in the trash. I know it’s easy for you. Sometimes I just wished we never took those just so I don’t have a reason to look back at them. I keep thinking we’ll be back together but I know your happiness is with someone else. I hope you take a lot more photos with him to compensate for the ones that you threw away.

I’m so glad that nobody follows me cuz I may go hella personal soon. This morning I felt better then I thought of him in bed with another person with the same smile he gave me. If he gives it to someone else, was it still special? Did it mean anything when we woke up together and ate breakfast together? Did mean anything when we took care of each other when we got the flu? I guess it’s all irrelevant now, just some sad memories of the past that will be left in the past. It just gives me jealousy when I see someone or think of someone getting the same thing I was getting before. It makes me mad that he could and will give that to someone else. Bro this sucks but I already said that I was happy for him. I know he wants the best for me too... I just wished he didn’t.

I really don’t know if these posts are helping. Right now I can’t stand not knowing what he is doing. Is that crazy and psycho of me?? I know that I really miss him like crazy. I hope that this feeling gets over real quick. I know it’s growth but this bitch hurts. You think you are moving on but then get hit by a truck... nay, but a train of memories and emotions that you had with him. You wonder if you can ever feel those again. With him... or anyone.... sometimes you need stronger drugs as a coping mechanism but you know it too shall pass and come back. The high.

Seeing the heart that he sent gave me butterflies then it turned into moths then to dead ants. You know it’s the feeling where you feel like there is something in your chest and it just won’t go up or down. I don’t know why I wait for him to come back or have feelings for me again when he clearly states that he doesn’t see it that way anymore. My stomach feels empty all the time but I’m just not hungry. We lie to everyone who asks us if we’re ok and even to him. We just say yeah we good. Honestly. I don’t want to become bitter towards him but at this point I would rather be angry than heartbroken.