I forget not everybody thinks the way I do. I remember most people I walked beside today. The guy who came out the building next to me, the older person making their way to the bus stop, to two older people actually there along with two others, the person walking their dog on their bicycle, the person in the car I noticed, the jogger. I notice most people because I feel as though they all think the same thing. Everybody sees this thing inside me that they hate. I don’t know what this thing is because they don’t tell me, but they all sense it and they all think it’s bad. I walk by people genuinely thinking they want me to die. They hate me and they want to pull me apart to take this horrible thing out. I forget most people do not go through life constantly putting their head down out of shame. Everybody thinks I’m a horrible monster and they despise me naturally. It’s an instinct to see me as an awful, terrible thing. I see people interact socially and it’s like ah, this isn’t normal. Most people can leave the house without crying.

I send a random fucking character dating headcanon post to somebody random on TikTok by mistake and I can only delete it FOR ME?? That’s so cringe I need to kill myself.

I remember somebody saying I look like Billie Eilish once and that was really embarrassing because I do not and she’s very beautiful… But I’ve considered getting my hair short many times and I remember somebody tagging me in a Billie Eilish video of her hair being short and telling me to get it like that. It was like. A stranger. But still. Maybe I should. I don’t know.

I want to DIY thibk for my friends really bad but I don’t have friends to do that with :o(( I want it so bad.

Do you guys ever leave your phone and you’re like gee, this will be so rewarding!! I will have so many messages and notifications when I come back!! And there’s none.

Being awkward and weird is something that’s more for teenagers. It makes sense to be awkward and weird when you’re young. It becomes creepy when you’re an adult. When you’re young you have excuses. It’s puberty. You’re still figuring yourself out and your body, still trying to understand who you’re becoming and meant to be. When you’re an adult and you can’t converse or make eye contact you’re just seen as a perverted creep.

In a way I feel jealous at people who get married so young. I feel like people my age know what they want and can easily go out and do it but at 21 I feel so, so young and dumb and I’m just envious of people my age who know how to dress, know what to learn, know where to work, know where to go and who to hang out with and who to love. I feel so stupid all the time.

I wanted to watch another Cooper Hoffman movie but the only other one I’d maybe watch involved him being fifteen falling in love with a twenty five year old and I don’t know. Not very interested.

Online I feel like I can say anything and everything but I have such poor communication online. I wish it was easier to talk to people and admit how I’m feeling.

Stumbled upon a gore video that upset me. I don’t know why I watch those things. I was curious because it happened this year and I hadn’t heard of it. So sad. It makes my stomach hurt.

I want to inhale the smell of sweat so badly and not even in a sexual way. Like I won’t get off on it. I just want it.

Good night world…. I hope I wake up with… a BILLION notifications….!! A million asks…!!! A thousand DMs…!!! And hundreds of replies!!!!

Saw a person on Pinterest that looked like me if I had taken the substance so it kind of pissed me off.

Did anybody else watch gore a lot as a kid for like. No reason. Why did I do that to myself. Don’t do that. Don’t give your kids internet ever.

Going to try and call the doctor again. I wanted to do it today but I got too nervous. I’m going to try again. Maybe I’ll do it.