a place for my thoughts

I’m so glad I performed at open mic not only because my mom actually showed up but also because it was so much fun. It’s so cool to play a song that no one’s ever heard before. I’m kinda proud of myself actually...I was so scared and my anxiety was screaming at me but I still did it. Also...I won?? I didn’t know it was a competition but apparently, it was and I won!!! That made me feel so happy. I don’t really care about winning, to be honest, it was fun just performing, but it still feels really good to win haha.

Open mic is tonight...I’m soooooooo nervous!! I’m usually not this nervous cause I know I’ll be fine once I’m on stage, but I’ve never performed by myself before...I’m gonna be up there all alone...all focus is gonna be on me...oh no this is terrible I’m so scared. My mom has work tonight so she can’t come so maybe I can just stay home and not do it and just tell her I did...no, I’m a terrible liar. I need to do this but ooof I’m so scared.

Writing a song is not easy!!! I’ve already ripped out so many pages in my journal, everything was just terrible. I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I should give up. But also I really don’t want to give up because I hate giving up, it makes me feel stupid and weak...also I want to perform at open mic. oooooooooooooof!!!! Why is this so awful?? I’m just too sad to write anything good...I’m always sad...ha maybe I can write a song about being sad...no, that’d be dumb.

The other day, I was talking with my mom about my writing and stuff cause I was feeling kinda down, and like everything I wrote was terrible. I can talk to my mom about anything so I told her how I was feeling and she helped me. She also inspired me to write a song. I’ve never written a song before, but it can’t be too hard, right? I can write and I can play music and I can kinda sing so...piece of cake. I was also thinking that maybe I could perform this song at the open mic. I’m usually good on stage, but I think with my friends being there is gonna be awkward and I feel like I’d get super nervous. I’m not that great of a singer too. Aly is much better. Maybe I shouldn’t perform it...I’d just embarrass myself....but maybe I should. It’d be fun...right?

I just feel so sad and alone. I basically just lost the only friends I have...These past few days have been so terrible. They have to rehearse at my house because I have the drumset and the mic and the bass that Sebastian is borrowing...so I have to hear them rehearse while I’m sitting up here all alone. When my mom’s home and they’re over, I have to pretend I’m still in the band...I don’t want her knowing...she’d probably kick them all out and I don’t want that...even if they did kick me out…

They kicked me out of the band...they didn’t even tell me why. I was walking back into the room when they were talking about it and I heard them saying something about me being anxious. Yeah, I have anxiety, but I told them I’d be fine on stage, I always am. Maybe I was too annoying for them...I don’t know.

So we’ve been rehearsing for like two weeks now. It’s been going...a little rough not gonna lie. Aly keeps getting mad at me for pointing out things they need to fix and I think Sebastian and Sylvia are getting annoyed with me too. But what am I supposed to do? I want the song to be good and isn’t that just part of practicing? Learning? I don’t know...I’m trying my best I guess. It’s still pretty fun, I love playing music.

We’re gonna play Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People. The drum part is really easy so that’s a big reason we picked the song because Sylvia has never played the drums before. I can’t wait to start rehearsals!!!

So there’s this local cafe that we always go to called Amore Coffee and they’re hosting an open mic night in November. I suggested that we play a song and Sebastian, Aly, and Sylvia all agreed. I’m so excited!! I love playing music but I’ve never been in a band before. I never knew Aly could sing, but apparently she can? I’m soooooo excited!! I’m gonna play guitar, Sebastian plays bass, I’m gonna teach Sylvia the drum part, and Aly is gonna sing. I don’t know what song we’re gonna play yet, but I’m sure we’ll figure that out soon.

Ok, here’s my friend situation. I have three friends; Aly, Sylvia, and Sebastian. They’re nice for the most part...Aly can be a little rude sometimes, but I think that’s just how she is. I love them and all, but...I don’t know...I don’t really know if I would actually consider them close friends...I feel like they don’t like me...I know I’m probably just thinking that because I have anxiety, but still...I feel like I annoy them...I’m always scared that I’m gonna embarrass myself in front of them cause they’re all really judgemental (except for Sebastian...he’s pretty chill most of the time). Another thing that I hate is that they always interrupt me and never let me speak. I’ll interrupt people sometimes, but then I’ll always go back to what they were saying...my friends never do that. They’ll interrupt me with things that are completely unrelated to whatever I was just saying..it makes me feel terrible...like they don’t care about anything I have to say...that’s why I don’t say a lot...I just know they’ll interrupt me anyway...they don’t care.

I just feel like I’m gonna be sad forever. There’s no hope for me. Everything just sucks all of the time, I hate everything. It feels like I’m never not sad...I can’t remember the last time I was happy. Also, my anxiety has been so terrible lately. I’m scared of the dumbest things. I can’t even go to the store by myself, I can’t answer the phone, I can’t do anything. The only thing that I feel like I can do is music. I love music. I play the ukulele a lot, but I like playing drums and guitar too. I feel like music is the only thing that makes me happy too. I feel bad saying that...I have friends sure but...not great friends...but that’s a story for another time.