once i saw a bee drown in honey, and i understood

anyway, im feeling super distant from R, not sure why but I feel like it has to do with what I talked about in therapy - what really are my boundaries and what am I willing to walk away for? what am I willing to stay for? everything feels so reminiscent of before... sometimes it feels like I'm still in that fucking relationship. scared, alone, hurt, angry, so angry. screaming. feeling like I have no agency, no control, no freedom. freedom and control feel like they are one and the same. but also I can control my ability to prep for this interview and I'm not doing that, and currently that feels like the culmination of all of this pain and the only answer and the key to my freedom. my brain is an incoherent mush, maybe I'm learning a thing or two from him and dumping everything in my mind to start over. i wish I could pinpoint why I'm feeling this way towards him. every little thing he's doing right now is getting on my nerves and I just feel like that's so unfair. he's doing his best. he loves me. but I'm finding it too hard to empathize with him and give him the love he's looking for