Sex Positive Education Network

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

Hi there! An answer to a previous question should have the information you need: http://s-p-e-n.tumblr.com/post/131200440846/i-hate-to-be-blunt-but-my-boyfriend-has-a-really?is_related_post=1#notes

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

Watching porn is completely common and in of itself is not a problem! The guilt you are feeling is likely from our society’s sex negative culture. This often presents masturbation as shameful. Masturbation and seeking out sexual arousal is natural and can always be positive if you and any partners are comfortable and consenting. Many people feel that watching porn is a safe way to reach sexual arousal or enjoy watching it with their partners to add some excitement. If that is how you feel, then enjoy it! Some positive aspects of porn include:

1) It’s a way to explore your sexual desires. You can be exposed to new fetishes, new positions, and new methods of stimulation that you may want to try.

2) It can be enjoyable! Masturbating and watching arousing materials can simply be fun.

3) Affirming porn, amateur porn, and realistic porn (not mainstream porn) can expose you to a variety of bodies and can educate you about the realities of sex.

Some people choose to abstain from watching porn because they have moral issues with it or their partner has an issue with it, and that’s okay too. This could be because of a religious belief about sex, because some porn is problematic in the way its filmed or its social implications, and so on.

If you do choose to watch porn, just keep in mind some issues with it:

1) Some folks in porn are mistreated behind the scenes or coerced to film pornography. Try to ensure the porn you watch is coming from sources that require consent and safety of participants.

2) A lot of porn revolves around the abuse of women, fetishizing people of color, or fetishizing transgender people. Keep this is mind and understand it can cause internalization of sexism, misogyny, racism, and transmisogyny. I recommend challenging these problematic aspects of our culture and watching porn from affirming sources.

3) It can give unrealistic ideas of sex, sexuality, and bodies. It usually promotes only certain idealized body types, which are unattainable for most people. It usually ignores safe sex practices, which are necessary to prevent STI’s and unwanted pregnancies. It tends to suggest that those with penises can have erections for unrealistic periods of time and that those with vaginas can always have mind-blowing orgasms. It tends to suggest women are willing to have sex at any time, with any amount of partners, and in any way the partner(s) desire. Be aware that porn promotes idealistic and unrealistic representations that should not be expected in the real world.

It’s really up to each individual and should be based on their own feelings about porn. So, I encourage you to make your decision based on your comfort level!

*Trigger Warning: We are using medical terminology 

First is the AMAB (assigned male a birth) reproductive system.

The penis consists of:

glans (or the head of the penis) which are covered by foreskin when someone has an intact/uncircumcised penis

urethra (a duct that carries urine out of the body)

corpora cavernosa (regions of erectile tissue, in which blood from an erection is held)

corpus spongiosum (sponge-like erectile tissue along the front of the penis that fills with blood when an erection occurs)

The scrotum:

a sac made up of thin skin that holds the testicles. It keeps them slightly away from the body, which ensures they are at an appropriate temperature

the testicles are glands where sperm and testosterone are produced

How the penis gets erect:

When aroused, blood flows the the shaft of the penis and this makes it rise & harden.

How ejaculation works:

Erection

Plateau-Increased muscle tension and heart rate occur. Then a clear fluid may begin to flow from the urethra. This pre-ejaculatory fluid changes the pH balance of the urethra, to increase the chances of sperm survival.

Orgasm- First, emission or ejaculatory inevitability occurs (which means the person can no longer prevent ejaculation). In this phase, vas deferens (the tubes that store and transport sperm from the testes) contract to squeeze the sperm toward the base of the penis and the prostate gland and seminal vesicles release secretions to make semen. Second, the muscles at the base of the penis contract every 0.8 seconds and force the semen out of the penis. [source: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases_conditions/hic_Erectile_Dysfunction_Overview/hic_How_an_Erection-Ejaculation_Occurs]

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

Yes! It is very common for folks to experience painful penetration the first time (or sometimes even after having sex regularly). In your case, there are a few reasons why this could be happening:

1) Your hymen may still be in tact (or was), and it can sometimes be painful when it breaks. The hymen is a thin membrane covering the vaginal wall. It can break easily, even from tampons or riding a bike. If this is the case, once it breaks the pain will stop occurring.

2) There could be insufficient lubrication. This usually occurs because a person is not sufficiently aroused or isn’t able to produce enough natural lubrication. The vagina naturally becomes looser as the person becomes more aroused. So, if you increase foreplay, you will likely be more aroused for intercourse and this will result in your vagina being much looser and able to comfortably accommodate penetration. Most people do not spend a great deal of time on foreplay, or get stuck in the same routine. I suggest thinking about what you would be interested in trying and discussing it with any partners (whether it’s oral, more making out, breast play, bondage, watching porn together, dirty talk, massaging, etc). Hopefully foreplay makes a big difference! The second tip I have is to use lube! Lube can definitely be your friend! If we aren’t extremely aroused, our bodies may not create enough natural lubrication. And some folks have medical reasons for not producing enough lubrication for intercourse to be comfortable.

3) It could be anxiety. When you’re nervous or anxious about sex (as most are the first time!), your body is more likely to be tense. This includes your vagina being more tense, and therefore tighter. This makes penetration more painful. Do your best to relax, focus only on you and your partner’s body, and try to keep your mind from other thoughts and worries.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

You don’t need to get tested for STD’s until you’re sexually active. At that time, the only way to be 100% that you are free of any STD’s is to get tested. I recommend seeing your doctor and getting tested (as well as your partner) just to be sure! There are many centers with free testing, so check if there’s one near you if price is a concern.

Of course, it’s unlikely given your scenario. However, it’s possible to receive false information from a partner or to contract an STD without having intercourse.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

I understand how this can be extremely frustrating and disappointing. The first thing I want to point out is that everyone’s body is different and reacts to stimulation differently. Many people report not experiencing orgasm, so you are by no means alone and your experience is not atypical! I also want to emphasize that orgasms do not have to be the goal of sexual activity or masturbation. The goal can simply be to experience pleasure and to enjoy yourself! It’s perfectly okay to not reach orgasm!

Orgasms are short peaks or climaxes of sexual response that result in pelvic muscle contractions. You would probably know if you’ve experienced one. But if you’re unsure, generally you will feel like a consistent building up that will end with a peak in pleasure. So, if you still think you haven’t experienced this, here are some tips:

These are all for masturbation, since that is what you’ve been trying.

1) Move your body. If you’re laying on your back, move your legs around (lift them up, spread them further apart, bend them, etc. until you feel more pleasure). If you’re laying on your stomach, lift your pelvis slightly to see if you begin to feel more pleasure. If you’re in a sitting position, try crossing your legs and rocking back and forth. Moving your body can change the angle and pressure of the sensation, which can increase chances of orgasm.

2) Dry Hump. It may sound or feel a little silly, but don’t worry, pretty much everyone has done it. One example is the “couch grind”: Place a thin blanket on the arm of a couch and grind against the arm. You can lift off the ground to place all the pressure on your pelvis. http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/sex-positions?pos=33. You can also use a pillow with your fist underneath to create the same sensation. This type of masturbation places a dull, constant pressure on your clitoris & that may be what you prefer!

3) Shower head or bath tub. If you have a handheld shower head, you can use it to masturbate. Or you can lay in the tub and use the water from the faucet. This gives you a different sensation that you may prefer.

4) Invest in a good vibrator. You may be less sensitive, so a vibrator that can pulse more intensely could work better for you. One I recommend is Fun Factory LayaSpot: https://us.funfactory.com/en/vibrators/layaspot/. There are so many different kind of vibrators! Some may work for you and others will not.

5) Make an “O”. Move in circles on your clitoris, like you’re tracing O’s. The circular motion is more likely to bring on orgasm.

6) Focus. Try to keep your mind on the activity or stimulation, rather than letting it go off to other topics. So much of orgasm is mental, so do your best to only focus on your body. Also, let go of any anxiety you’re feeling about not being able to orgasm. Remember that’s okay and that you’re just seeking pleasure in that moment!

Here are some other resources if those tips aren’t helpful:

http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/features/cant-orgasm-heres-help-for-women

http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/why-cant-i-orgasm#.kb7OA5X8g

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

The first thing I want to address is that it’s okay to not be experienced. I understand how it could seem negative or embarrassing, but being new to sexual experiences is a really fun phase! Remember to take a step back and enjoy the newness of it all! Also, be sure that you’re staying within your comfort level. When you’re with someone more experienced, you may feel pressured to rush into something for their sake. Remember that readiness is so important with sexual experiences, so take your time and don’t be afraid to say no. Also, open communication is essential in healthy sexual relationships. Make sure you two create a space for honesty and communication, so that you can always discuss any issues you’re having with your sex life. Finally, since you’re new to this it’s important you understand safe sex practices before engaging in sexual activity. If you have any questions about how to be safe, don’t hesitate to reach out!

Now, to your question about making out…while learning how to make out is best done through experience, there are some tips I can give you:

1) Be gentle with your tongue. While some people may prefer a lot of tongue, a good rule of thumb is to use it sparsely (especially at first). Lightly brush your tongue against your partner’s and don’t push it in very deep.

2) It’s more than kissing. Making out can consist of stimulation other than kissing. If it feels comfortable, you can use your hands to feel their body and lightly caress them while you kiss.

3) Consider various body positioning. Some people like to straddle their partner while making out, others like to be laying down together while making out, and so on. Allow yourselves to find a position you’re both comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to move around.

4) Let it build. Let the kissing gradually become more intense. Start with soft kisses on the lips, build to gentle brushes or flicks of your tongue, increase to caressing and more intimate positions, add sucking or nibbling stimulation, etc.

5) Less is more. With making out, less is more. You don’t need to open your mouth extremely wide or to kiss their entire mouth at once. Doing this can make the kissing very slobbery! Stick to a smaller opening and kissing either their top or bottom lip one at a time.

6) It can be more than lips. Don’t be afraid to kiss their neck, ears, chest, etc. Gentle kisses, light sucking, or brushing of your tongue can be really enjoyable in those areas.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

Coming out as polyamorous can be really challenging because there’s no narrative for these conversations in our society. However, it’s possible to reach a place of understanding! Because you’re living on your own and are not dependent on your parents, I think coming out to them can be positive if you feel ready and want to be able to share that aspect of your life with them. If you don’t feel ready to have the conversation, it’s okay to wait. It’s important to be at a place where feel emotionally prepared to take on whatever reaction you may receive. 

There’s a couple ways to go about it: the first is to be more gradual and subtle & the second is to just directly say it right away. Neither way is right or wrong. It just depends on how you’re feeling and how your relationship with your family functions.

The Direct Option: If you decide to just come out and say it: sit them down and let them know you want to discuss something important to you. Ask them to please just listen first and wait to respond until you’re finished. Remind them of your bisexual identity and how you’re able to feel love and attraction for someone regardless of gender. Then explain how in addition to that, you feel capable of loving multiple people and that you don’t want to limit the love you are able to express. Then move into an educational conversation (I will explain this in detail in the next option). After the educational conversation, see how they’re feeling. Tell them it’s okay to ask questions or to have concerns, and address those with compassion. Also be sure to stand up for your right to make these decisions as an adult. Remind them that you’re sharing this with them because you want to be able to share all of your life with them and that you love them.

The Subtle & Gradual Option: If you feel ready, then start putting out feelers. Come up with some subtle ways to bring up non-monogamy and see how they react (for example, you could show them an article you saw about it, mention how you heard about it on TV, etc.) Also analyze how you feel when you hear their responses, and determine if you feel comfortable proceeding. How you choose to put out feelers is up to you, but it’s a good way to gauge how the conversation will go. You could consider introducing them to your girlfriend, maybe first without informing them of your status as partners at first, to see how they get along.

If you want to proceed, the most important thing is to have an educational conversation. Many people are so hesitant to accept polyamory because they don’t understand it. They’re socialized to believe that monogamy is the only relationship style and that any other relationship style is immoral or inferior. So, people need to be educated. They need to learn about how polyamory is about being open and honest, is about consent and communication, and is about embracing the depth of human love. If your parents are the type of people who are open to having discussions, share some online resources with them or show them some documentaries.

Here’s some great resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/poly101.pdf

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

http://polyadventures.com/polyamory-resources/what-is-polyamory/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201503/coming-out-polyamorous-part-ii

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

Some people report having upset stomach or nausea after giving oral sex. Unfortunately, there aren’t any studies that have determined causes for this. But, there are some possibilities and tips I can give you that may be helpful.

The first possibility is that it’s a psychologically induced physical reaction. Your mind can create physical reactions when you feel uncomfortable. So, if you don’t really enjoy giving her oral sex, dislike the taste/smell, etc. your mental reaction could be expressed physically via upset stomach. Do you enjoy giving her oral? If you really enjoy it and the taste/smell is arousing or neutral to you, this is probably not what’s happening. However, if you aren’t into giving her oral, this is likely.

The second possibility is that you could be having an allergic reaction to something (like the soap she uses, her laundry detergent, and so on). My recommendation is that she washes with warm water only before you give her oral to see if that helps. You could also try using a dental dam to see if there’s any difference versus when you directly touch her genitals & swallow her fluids. Also try cleaning your mouth afterwards.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

It sounds like you’re hitting her cervix. This isn’t typically associated with health issues, but you can’t be 100% sure unless you see a doctor. This happens to many women and is quite common. Generally, it takes experimenting with different positions for a woman to determine which positions are comfortable. Unfortunately, because it varies from woman to woman, I can’t tell you what positions would be best. But I encourage you both to get creative and see if you’re able to determine which positions work. As a rule of thumb, shallow penetration positions are better bets. Some women also report that their cervix is more sensitive during certain times of their cycle, so you could try to track any patters of that nature.

It’s also possible that this is occurring for other reasons, such as vaginal tightness due to not enough arousal or lack of needed lubrication. This previously answered question has some detailed advice for how to approach those possible causes of painful sex: http://s-p-e-n.tumblr.com/post/131200440846/i-hate-to-be-blunt-but-my-boyfriend-has-a-really.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

The average penis is 5.1 inches when erect, so your penis is on the larger size based on that average. Each woman has their own preferences regarding penis size. Some women prefer smaller penises and some prefer larger. It varies based on their own bodies and what size feels comfortable. Some women don’t care at all. But I can ensure you that you can find sexual partners who will be content with your penis size.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!

The first important tip I can give you is to spend more time on foreplay. A woman’s vagina naturally becomes looser as she becomes more aroused. So, if you increase foreplay, you will likely be more aroused for intercourse and this will result in your vagina being much looser and able to accommodate his size more comfortably. Most people do not spend a great deal of time on foreplay, or get stuck in the same routine. I suggest thinking about what you would be interested in trying and discussing it with him (whether it’s oral, more making out, breast play, bondage, watching porn together, dirty talk, massaging, etc). A vagina can expand significantly, and can typically accommodate any size penis if there is enough stimulation. Hopefully foreplay makes a big difference!

The second tip I have is to use lube! Lube can definitely be your friend! If we aren’t extremely aroused, our bodies may not create enough natural lubrication. And some women have medical reasons for not producing enough lubrication for intercourse to be comfortable.

If you try increasing foreplay and using lube but it’s still painful, there are definitely some positions I recommend.

1) Cowgirl or Reverse Cowgirl- In this position, you’re on top. This means that you can control how deep his penis goes inside of you. If it hurts for him to be deep, you can use your legs to keep your vagina a bit further from his penis, so that only the amount you’re comfortable with can be inserted.

2) Standing Missionary-You can use a counter or sit on the side of the bed to make it easier. This position allows only shallow penetration.

3) Naughty Spoons- In this position, there is more distance between your vagina and his penis, so penetration will be more shallow. You can create a comfortable distance by moving your pelvis away slightly.

Any positions that allow for you to be in control or that only allow for shallow penetration would be good to try!

If you’re still experiencing pain after trying these positions, he could be hitting your cervix. Different positions work for different women who are experiencing cervix pain, so if that ends up being the case it’s a matter of experimenting to see what feels best.

Hi and thanks for reaching out!