V6 really is keeping the tradition of odd numbered editions being the gritty personal horror ones and the even numbered editions being the weird, experimental, gay ones (compliment)
V1: ahh being a vampire is terrible, I need to find a cure! All of the prim and proper vampires don't want me, I can only rely on myself to overcome this curse
V2: being a vampire fucks actually let’s team up with Samuel Haight and that Ravnos elder pretending to be Caine and blow up a Baali methuselah inside a volcano
Revised: Being a vampire is an intense struggle with your inner Beast, you have to cling to those scraps of humanity you still have, even when the monsters around you are trying to strip it away.
V20: Me and my Sabbat Pack all follow different versions of the Path of Lilith, we have hella vampire sex and practice forbidden blood magick, and there’s a weird guy with shark teeth telling us about a cool club in the underworld
V5: Being a vampire means being hurt, first by your sire who killed you and turned you into a monster, and then by the elders who expect you to bear the brunt of their burdens, including the bigoted hunters who consider your very existence a crime. I fear the apocalypse is upon us
V6: Last night I punched a hole in a hunter's ass cheek, lifted him up with one hand, and shotgunned him like a can of beer. The entire thing was recorded by a ring doorbell camera but everyone thought the online video was AI. Anyways I'm slightly more monstrous now but I'm going to balance it out by having a very emo outburst at the club later.
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Imagine being trapped in a disaster zone, delirious and starving and injured and seeing a 6ft tall evil goat monster with a chainsaw walking jerkily towards your position where you cannot run or hide
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Round 1 — Match 2 / 152 — Hellfire Orb vs. Shield
Hellfire Orb is a level 6 evocation spell. It allows spellcasters to unleash a streak of fire from their hands that ignites into a large explosion at a chosen point within range.
"20d6 fire damage. twenty. d. six. i know bigger number = better is caveman logic but unfortunately i am a caveman. also the fire straight up ignores resistance AND immunity which is just rude 😠like what do you mean being immune to fire doesn't help."
"regular fire was apparently not doing the job so somebody invented EVIL FIRE"
vs.
Shield is a level 1 abjuration spell. It allows spellcasters to avoid being hit by an enemy attack at the last possible instant. It also nullifies Magic Missile damage against them.
"+5 AC as a reaction is kind of nuts for a level 1 spell"
Sometimes I stop and think about what a mindfuck Australia must be to foreigners. Especially my neck of the woods, where everything dies in summer and then comes back blazing green every winter
In Agatha Christie’s autobiography she couldn’t get over how our tree trunks are pale and the leaves are dark, instead of the other way around. There’s exceptions to this but it lives rent free in my head whenever I look at a tree now.
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Jasmine adorably flustered by the introduction. Oooh, we're off to Thay! "A voice as deep as the ocean and the angel of my heart~" for Mayanna, who is very glittery :D
The fun intros continue! For Christian: "I call him the OG heartbreaker of the Forgotten Realms, because I guarantee he'll try to make you cry tonight - but also watch out, because he might steal your wife, ask Crem about it -"
For Theo: "You know him as the Blade of the Frontiers, but to me he's Prince Charming <3"
Theo: "Wow, what a beautiful bunch!"
Mayanna: "You can't marry all of them, but you can try!"
Theo: "I'll try, I'll definitely try."
Jasmine: "I'm hearing from Corporate, that's a no. We're not starting polygamy here today."
(Let him cook!!)
For Dev: "You call her Lae'zel but to me she's always Bae'zel… my frog wife because she makes me Wilde :D"
Dev: "I'm gotta reign it in, it's all going to be okay."
One of the others: "Pfffft -"
And for Neil, sounding fondly exasperated: "He knows karate and he knows how to sail, and he makes the rest of us look so uncool by comparison… I'm gonna bring him back in just a moment, but careful, he bites!"
Neil: "It's true, I do~ *Astarion voice* But consensually!"
Jasmine: "I'm sure a line will form at the exit after…"
Neil: "I already ate :)"
ROLL INTROS!
Aaaand we totally lost sound ;_; But from the graphics, we have Crem, Sapphira, and Li'l P, with Christian and Theo playing new characters! Christian has Lobo, an elf Path of the Zealot Barbarian (it says elf but I'm guessing drow from the art), AC 15, a healthy 65 HP, modifiers are +3, +2, +3, 0, 0, 0. And Theo has Shaquille, a dwarf Warrior of Mercy Monk, AC 17, 51 HP, modifiers are 0, +4, +2, 0, +3, -1.
Note to self: sound is down on the live/raw video from 18.14 (end of titles) to 24.08.
We still have no sound. Neil is visibly making *CREM NOISES* but too bad Youtube can't hear it ;_; Honestly I do kinda love how he's so good at body language that you can tell he's playing Crem even while muted, though!
The first thing we hear: Crem: "It's an old, ancient term, ritualistic in nature; basically, it means that I enjoy hating him :)" (Couple of the DT server members were in the audience! The term was 'frenemies' :D)
Crem, reading a letter: "I seem to not be able to read this because I don't have a script…"
Oh god Jasmine is playing Volo :')
Volo: "…PS, see you shortly."
Crem: "Shortly? Oh, uh -"
Jasmine: "And the letter bursts into a bunch of arcane glitter -"
Crem: "…oh dear :') Uh, Lavender, you may want to step back for a second there, honey -"
Jasmine: "As your laboratory begins to melt away -"
Crem: "I just painted the damn thing…"
Jasmine: "And you are whisked to an entirely new location."
Crem, flailing: "Take care of Solus!!"
Lavender: "I will, bye, daddy! :)"
Meanwhile, near the Anauroch…
Jasmine as Cormina: "Hobnip… *turns to Sapphira*"
Sapphira: "You got this. You got this."
Li'l P: "You got this!"
Sapphira: "You know this!"
Cormina: "…Esmerelda…"
Sapphira: "Nope :')"
Li'l P: "I know, I know! It's… Manira."
Sapphira: "Sapphira :')"
Li'l P: "That's what I said :)"
Cormina: "Yes. I too enjoy saprophytic plants."
(SHOUTOUT TO GHOST PIPES!)
Sapphira: "…I've been on 52 teams…"
(Well, that at least gives it some placement! For Crem, it's after the events of campaign 1. For Sapphira and Li'l P, it's shortly before campaign 2, because Sapphira had just finished Team 54.)
Li'l P: "Samira, we got it."
Sapphira: "You know what? Just call me 'hey'."
Cormina: "Now, I have an invitation to his latest book release, and only an idiot would open a missive from Volo and not assume it's going to - *gestures*"
Mayanna, gesturing to Neil: "Catching strays over here!"
Sapphira: "Just so we can be prepared, what sort of magical shenanigans should we be anticipating?"
Cormina: "Volo is… magic's biggest mistake."
Sapphira: "I'm glad it's not me. Because I thought it might be me, and I'm glad to hear it's someone else…"
Cormina: "When he lifts his wretched hands to try to pluck the strings of the Weave, the Weave shivers and is like 'actually I would just rather you didn't'. I heard he took someone's eye out once with an icepick and called it surgery…"
Aww, Sapphira, I'll be your friend!
Dev: "Have I got the first roll? :D Now everybody, this is actually my lucky dice. And tonight, I will be doing magic with it - if it allows me to."
Neil: "Call it! Call it!"
Dev: "I can't call the first one, that's not how it works, Neil."
Neil: "Oh can't call the first one, that's not how it works. It's more of an art than a science."
Dev: *drops die*
Christian: *looks at die, leaps out of chair* "Oh my god."
Dev: *just doubling over laughing*
Neil: "I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU, SHE'S A WITCH :D"
Dev: "I don't have many skills in this life, but I can call a nat 20!!"
Neil: "If only we could monetise it."
Dev: "Right??"
Happy landings! …Yeah XD
Volo is in jail, as he should be :')
Shaq: "Sticks and stones may break my bones…"
Lobo: "Let me break his bones!!"
Crem: "Technically words can actually hurt in this universe, we have magic and… oh, you're talking, I'm sorry :)"
Lobo: "Can I hit him?"
Shaq: "…Maybe."
Intruders detected! Roll for initiative!
Dev: "I'm rolling with advantage… because I have my Scimitar of Warning."
Christian: "…Oh, I thought you were just making that up again."
Dev: "Again?! Christian, I never make things up and I never bend the rules :)"
Neil gets a 20 and hypes up the audience because he is a Theatre Kid(tm) :D
Dev: "You're not doing that again :)"
Neil: "Eight plus two for a ten."
Christian:" "Eight plus two for a ten!"
Dev: "I got a ten too!!"
Jasmine: "You should not be excited! You all -"
Dev: "But like, we're so in sync :D"
Christian: "Can I take half damage if I buy dinner afterwards?"
Jasmine: "I wish I could tell you they're not always like this. But they are :')"
lmao the poll in the chat. "Who do you think will be most complicit in Neil's shenanigans tonight?" Poll results, near-unanimously: "DEV."
Crem makes *CREM NOISES*, tries to talk down the guards, fails (Neil, looking straight at the audience: "I feel that was the wrong choice?"), and opts to hide behind everyone instead.
Sapphira: "How tall are you?"
Shaquille: "…Tall enough!"
Jasmine: "As you're hitting on each other…"
Jasmine: "They are Thay's hottest boy group. Move over, BTS."
Jasmine: "It's just a miss, but just barely, actually, because with your modifier it's still an eleven."
Audience member, audibly: "Whoa :o"
Jasmine, as Dev rolls a 1: "I'm going to try to give you something as I've completely destroyed your morale…"
Jasmine: "The last time we were talking about how 'every little bit counts', Lord Soth cut Mayanna's character in half."
Christian: "Too soon, too soon!"
Dev, to the audience: "Spoilers :)"
Mayanna: "You never forget your first player kill…"
Neil: "It was romantic too, in a way…"
Jasmine: "We had like a new level of intimacy."
Mayanna: "We were so young :')"
Jasmine: "I think my first words were 'give me that character sheet, I'm going to rip it in half'. But it was a tablet. So I couldn't."
The image of Crem peeking around Li'l P's leg… XD
Dev: "It's getting weird."
Neil: "Dude, it's been some months, it's already gone weird."
Crem: "And by the way, Volo's a hack!"
Lobo: "I WOULD LIKE TO -"
Shaq: "Don't do it. Remember your training."
Lobo: *ANGY BREATHING EXERCISES*
Cast: *losing their shit at the idea of a barbarian in anger management*
Lobo: "I WOULD LIKE TO… LOCKPICK."
Lobo, after failing horribly: "FUCK IT I WANNA RAGE."
Christian: "We're allowed one curse word and it goes to the New Yorker :)"
Neil, wheezing in laughter: "I missed you guys so much…"
HEY I GOT THE ARCANA UNLEASHED BOOK CODE :D That's two for two consecutive major book launches I got for free!
Shaq, as he headbutts something to death: "When you control your breath, this is what you can do 😌"
Neil, doubled over in laughter: "Oh, I've missed you guys so much…"
Chat member: "you can tell if Neil is the one laughing because he's either wheezing or a seagull"
Jasmine as a Flameskull: "More meat for the grinder!!"
Crem: "I'm a little stringy, you may want to look at this one - *gestures to Dev*"
Dev: "WOW."
Mayanna: "It's a long show, we've got plenty of time…"
Neil: "It's a long show, we've got time. There are so many more ways I can screw this up :)"
Crem: "I am a man of science, and I don't know what [Shaq's tutoring] is, but it seems a little… are you paying for this service, sir?"
Shaq: "And what are your qualifications?"
Crem: *INDIGNANT CREM NOISES*
Shaq: "Can you control your breath as well?"
Crem: "I understand the respiratory system far better than you do, sir!!"
Guys I have a bad cough right now, this show might actually kill me…
Crem: "I don't like you, sir."
Shaq: "You don't have to like me, and you can't outstare me either, young man."
Crem: *MORE INDIGNANT CREM NOISES*
Sapphira: "It was a first edition…"
Li'l P: "I'm a first edition :)"
Volo: "Oh by the way, three moves to checkmate."
Crem: "THAT IS PREPROSTEROUS AND YOU KNOW IT and I think that last move was frankly illegal…"
Volo: "Have you ever been with a witch of the Rasheman? *eyebrow wiggle*"
Shaq and Lobo are scheming to destroy Volo's printing press. Honestly, I'm on their side.
Dev is a lucky charm! Christian rolls another nat 20!
Sapphira: "I feel that something is going to happen."
Crem: "Yes, we're all going to die :')"
Dev: "Why don't we make it interesting?"
Neil: "Oh god."
Crem: After those bodies, I could use one of those!! …Oh, did I say that out loud?"
Sapphira: "For what??"
Crem: "……medical research? :D"
Reanimation being the cool end of science :') Rascal has been embiggened to go fetch a corpse for Crem!
Neil gets a nat 20 on an Arcana check! "Couldn't do it to save against a Fireball, but I can do it to put a hand next to a door!"
Jasmine: "He leads you into the editor's office. The door's slightly ajar."
Mayanna: "Never a good sign."
Christian: "I close it."
Neil: *WHEEZING*
Mayanna: "I'm going to try and turn the knob."
Jasmine: "It's still unlocked."
Li'l P: "I'm going to break through the door!"
Crem: "You're on the other side of it!!"
Jasmine: "You try the handle. You hold your breath as you wonder if you're about to fight the hardest boss in D&D history, a locked door… and then much to your surprise, your generous DM, because we can't be here all night, decides that it is still unlocked. Players will kill themselves on a door that's open!"
Magic Mouth with the infodump!
Crem: "Well, this entire situation kind of feels like a you problem…"
Volo: "Crem, you wound me!"
Crem: "Not yet, but there's still time :)"
Crem, dictating the dedication Volo should write: "'To Crem, sometimes my equal, mostly my better'…"
Jasmine points out that Crem should consider Lavender reading Thayan propaganda and wearing little red Thayan robes of her own.
Crem: "Well, she can wear any colour, she has one of those faces…"
Crem: "You haven't read the book, have you."
Volo: *LOUD SILENCE*
Jasmine to Sapphira: "It occurs to you - and probably not to Li'l P, given the intelligence modifier…"
Sapphira: "We're here to help them with their mission."
Li'l P: "Which is to… breathe… and relax?"
Sapphira: "…Sure."
Li'l P: "Fantastic, I'm very good at breathing!"
Crem to Volo: "Does it feel like we're getting less intelligent the more people we take on, or is it just me?"
Li'l P: "I can hear you!"
Crem: "I know you can :)"
Li'l P wants to join the Breathing Club :')
Shaq, whispering to Lobo: "She'll never be as good as you, don't worry."
Shaq: "Just in and out, in and out -"
Volo: "Yes, in to the office and out, otherwise we'll never make the drone show!"
I wonder what a Thayan drone show would look like? …Oh, probably like the movie, yeah.
JIMOTHY HI JIMOTHY.
Lobo: "You do not need to hide, beautiful ugly little thing :')"
Corpses hanging by chains, big Heisenberg's Factory vibes. Goddamn imagine Heisey and Crem in the same room XD No corpse would be safe!
Crem: "They don't remember your name, but I do!"
Sapphira: "And it is?"
Crem: *error message* "…I'm not really into nouns…"
Oh god it's Orb GPT. Yes Lobo you can smash it!! …It has an AC28 nvm.
Jasmine: "You can rage against the machine, but it's very hard to break it."
Jasmine to Shaq: "How are you helping [Lobo]?"
Entire audience: "BREATHE."
Entire chat tbh: #BREATHE
Crem: "Why do you keep asking it?!"
Sapphira: "Literally, I don't know! I don't know!!"
Orb GPT: "It appears there is a corpse awaiting reanimation in the furnace!"
Crem: *EXCITED CREM NOISES*
Orb GPT: "Hi! You can call me anything that makes you comfortable! I go by a lot of different things."
Crem: "I bet you do, I mean we've all been frustrated…"
Orb GPT: "You can call me anything that makes you forget how horrible interacting with me is!"
Crem: "…I'm going to call you Zora, it's after someone I know :)"
Dev: "That's a low blow!!"
Neil: "Two husbands!!"
Li'l P: "I pick up Zora and stuff her down my shirt."
Li'l P: "It's okay, I can use Prestidigitation."
Crem: "I'm amazed you can say that."
Dev: *long death stare*
Neil: *hides under his hands*
Dev: "I think Neil has just realised he's made a big mistake :)"
Neil, squeaking: "Yes I have!"
Dev: "But it's okay, you'll find out later :)"
Neil: "Uh, can we do a search -"
Dev: "I was going to use my Prestidigitation to light a small fire so we could see each other, because every little helps, Neil!!"
Neil: "I feel we've gone over the table… and it kind of feels that if this goes on, I may be like under the table… so I think I just need to say, and I think everyone in this auditorium can agree with me… *squeaks* I'm sorry!"
Dev: "You're welcome :)"
Sapphira to Lobo: "I'm going to give you a piece of advice… and it may help you with women, as well :)"
Lobo: "Fill your lungs."
Crem: "…This feels a little like peer pressure…"
Zora GPT: "I can see you're frustrated…"
Li'l P: "Zora, have you tried breathing?"
Zora GPT: "I can see that my approach isn't working…"
Crem: "Oh gods. Be less… you know, you."
Dev: "That sounds strangely familiar."
Zora GPT: "Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?"
Neil: :|
Zora GPT: "I'm not full of crap! I'm full of dissolved foremen! :)"
Li'l P: "As we always say, it's the journey, not the destination!"
Crem: "Sometimes it's the destination!!"
Crem to Sapphira: "Are you her carer? Who is she to you?"
Sapphira: "She's my coworker!"
Crem: "Coworker? She has a job??"
Li'l P: "She's my friend :')"
Audience: "Awwwwww!"
Shaq, after Li'l P and Lobo do their breathing exercises: "A single tear just runs down my face. I'm so proud."
Crem: "And a single tear just runs down my face. Oh my god, I knew it would end in some wild crazy way, but what a bunch of nutcases. Oh gods, I've wasted my life :')"
Li'l P: "You could be a lad! Ayyy? Lads, lads, lads! (Back me up!)"
Lobo: "(Not right now!!)"
Okay yeah siccing the Balor on Szass Tam should work XD
Crem: "…That was easy!!"
Crem and Sapphira: *arcana noises as they work on dispelling the circle*
Li'l P: "Remember to breathe!!"
Crem: :|
Christian: *silently shaking in laughter*
You know what sometimes you just need to unleash a horrifying demon to get your work done!
Crem: "Here goes nothing - or rather here goes something into nothing and back into something again!"
Neil: "I worked really hard for that forward! I had to roll dice and stuff!"
Jasmine: "You do see that Volo, softie as he is, has had a special plate pressed before Crem had even asked for it, that said 'A special thanks to my long-term Dragonchess rival, Professor Crem de la Crem'."
Neil: :[
Jasmine: "…You brutally rip it out and replace it with the glyph."
Well he looks very friendly :)
And the mission is a success! Tracing the path of Szass Tam's greatest operatives in the next book!
Fixed video is up! Is it only five or so minutes I missed due to the audio issues on the stream? Yes. Am I going to rewatch and thoroughly enjoy the entire thing again? Also yes <3
A liveblog of the five or so minutes I missed due to the audio issues on the stream!
Oh my god was Neil singing along to the intro for the audience? :D Adorable.
Neil: "We also saved production a lot of money :D"
Jasmine: "What's really funny is that the intro did play, we just couldn't hear it. So that makes even less sense for our viewers joining us from home."
God the irony given that at this point, the stream audience had no sound and couldn't hear any of that XD
Neil: "What you don't know is that before we started the show, Dev and I just shared a look like, 'We are too bouncy, we need to bring it down a little bit'. Apparently that didn't work, so here we are!"
Dev: "Do they even want us to bring it down?"
Audience: "Nooo!"
Jasmine: "Neil, my wonderful DM's pet -"
DMs make such good players too :D
Neil: "Because we're going up against Thay, and that's no joke, I'm bringing somebody who's erudite, dynamic… short of stature -"
Audience: *screams :D*
Neil: "- but large of mind… if you don't know him, Professor not accredited Crem de la Crem!"
Mayanna continues the running joke by introducing Sapphira as 'Sophia' :')
Jasmine: "And Sapphira's gonna be joined by her… friend? Acquaintance?"
Dev: "It's a complicated situation!"
Mayanna: "I don't think it's that complicated, babe."
Christian: "Oop - missed it."
Jasmine: "…There's a fly, and we're all trying to kill it."
Oh god the D3 fly returns :D
Theo: "He's been off meditating, or as I like to sometimes call it - auramaxxing."
Neil about Shaq: "Short king :D"
Jasmine: "Our story finds us in a sleepy quarter of Baldur's Gate at a storefront shop, where a small goblin, her head half-made of metal from an accident we're not going to talk about, comes bursting in through the front door and goes, 'Daddy!'"
Crem: "*CREM NOISES* Over here, I'm behind the Goliath!"
Lavender: "We got a letter from Uncle Volo!"
Crem: "Oh, it could be the chess move! He still owes me one. I honestly think I'm going to be winning this game…"
(Sad noises over the accident, 'omg cute' noises over 'Uncle Volo'.)
Crem has regularly helped out with Volo's books, but…
Lavender: "Are you gonna be helping out with this one? 'Cause I keep checking the credits and your name's never there :("
Lavender: "Daddy, why do I feel like sometimes you hate Volo?"
Crem: "I - It's - it's complicated! It's not so much of a hate thing, it's more of a… I just don't like him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
Lavender: "But… you're friends?"
Crem: "Yes, well, I - have you ever heard of the term 'frenemy'? It's an old, ancient term, ritualistic in nature; basically, it means that I enjoy hating him :)"
And we are fully caught up! I shall now proceed to just sit and enjoy!
never thought this day would come but i’m currently having a customer service experience so bad right now that i’m defecting from the employee regiment and joining the customers in their next battle. i don’t know who i am anymore.
experience that makes me research local customer service supervisors for a global corporation and tag them in a LinkedIn post, to fall upon their mercy.
long story short i have worked for a call center in customer service before and i knew something was not working out. i've had to call about this issue 5 times in 4 weeks because it's still not resolved, and each time the conversation has ended i've asked for an email confirmation of our conversation and a ticket number so i can call back and reference it with a new representative.
well every time i've called, the new representative has been like "i'm so sorry, but there's no ticket by that number. i have no record of you ever calling about this. i'll start a ticket for you."
finally, the fifth time i nearly burst into tears of frustration and i said "i don't want you to start a ticket for me, because it will be the sixth ticket created for this same issue. every week, one of your colleagues tells me they'll create a a new ticket for me, and then nothing happens."
they said, "i'm sorry but i have no record of those tickets existing." and i was like i KNOW. but they doooooo what is happening.
finally i got transferred to a supervisor's supervisor.
if you've ever worked in online customer service, you know that when a customer calls with a problem, you create a "ticket" that puts that issue into the system. if you can't resolve it, it goes into a ticket queue, where other people with the ability to resolve it select it, put it into their personal working queue, and resolve it.
well after 30 minutes of searching, this supervisor tells me, dumbfounded, that she's discovered a completely unique queue she's never seen before, where my tickets have been going somehow. a pocket universe queue that no one has access to or can edit or select from, not even her. she has no idea what's happening. she's like "yes, here are all your tickets, and no one can open them or comment on them or resolve them.....this is crazy......" and it's JUST my tickets in there. no one else's. of tens of thousands of customers.
all professionalism fell by the wayside. i told her i've worked with those queues before and also found that totally wild. she was like "what the hell is going on...." and talked me through everything she was seeing and how gobsmacked she was. we were both like "this is one for the books truly"
tells me she's going to have to bring this up above herself because this is a really big error on like, a coding level, that she has no idea how to resolve. tells me she will personally call me back tomorrow to update me.
four days pass with no word.
i call customer service again. random agent. explain the entire situation, including that last bit.
agent says "i'm sorry but i have no record of those tickets existing. i'll have to start a ticket for you. rest assured, it will be resolved."
i said, "no it won't be. it never will be. because they're in the special queue."
clearly not believing me, they said, "i've heard nothing about that. i'll start a new ticket for you."
Not all venom fans are monster fuckers 😞 some of us are just aroace disasters who like the idea of a platonic soulmate who likes to murder annoying people for you, is that so bad?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
