Short Stories by Ryan Bard

    Coffee is brewing, sun is shinning, and mod is dying.  This is the fourth morning in a row where mod has been silent.  I miss the screaming.  At least i knew she was alive.  She’s still alive but I sense that thread breaking.  

     My name is Francis Malcolm.  My wife has been sick for a few years and been in critical condition for the last two months.  Its been a week since she went silent.  I have been checking on her every morning.  Nothing.  I’m afraid I said my last words already.  “Calm down!”  Her screams elicited such a response.  I’d give anything to here the cringe wale of her voice.  This has affected my work.

      I work as a senator for the state of Kansas.  My job is a difficult one.  With an outbreak of this new flu and the sickness of Mod I am caught in a peculiar place.

      I here a knock at the door.  Its Jacob.  My good friend Jacob visiting me at this time.  It is surely for pity.  He walks in with a sour look on his face.  Grim news is easy to spot before breakfast.  We sit in the parlor with untouched cups of coffee.  

“Jacob!  Its nice to see you but something tells me your not here for a biscuit.”

“It’s freedman.  The owner of the wax shop.  The flu took him.”  

“I saw him yesterday on my way to work!  Damn!  Seemed like a healthy bastard!”

“Yes!  Its taking more people, Francis.  Freedman was sixth in town.  First was Beth Sampson, the flower shop owner.  Followed by Frank.  Frank sold us cloths if you remember.  Barlow was next.  His bake shop falls to his wife.  Kathy hurt me the most.  I didn’t expect to feel this strongly for a secretary.  Perhaps its the feeling of the walls closing in.  William died just a few days ago.  Yup and with Your wife being the condition she’s in, the whole town is in a depressive frenzy.  Has she made progress?”

“I’m afraid not.  She’s lasted longer than most people but she has remains in a cold sleep.  She hasn’t said a word in four days.”

“Hmm.  Not a good state of affairs.  Other towns have had more taken from them.”

Just as Jacob was about to speak more, a shrill was heard from upstairs.  

     Jacob and I ran out of the parlor towards Mod’s room.  Mod was shaking and weezing.  you’d expect to hear those sounds from a wounded cat.  A nurse ran in behind us.  She put a wet towel on Mod’s head.  I held my beloved’s hand as she shook.  It was more a tremble than a shake.  I screamed at the nurse to do something, knowing very well that there was nothing she could do.  I was hoping I could call fourth some mysterious power.  The nurse just slowly shook her head.  At this point my expectations dropped considerably.  I put my head down.  Jacob placed his hand on my shoulder, signaling it was time to leave.  We both trudged out of that room.  Jacob appeared to have a little more pep than I.  Who could blame him?  He wasn’t in the wretched process of loosing a soul mate.  We made our way back to the parlor.

     Me and Jacob sat in confusing silence for the next thirty seconds.  He took a sip of his coffee and I took a sip of mine.  I believe the confusion was really just two gentlemen not wanting to show how afraid we were.

“Ya know, Wichita has had ten deaths this week.  That city is in a state panic but no one is willing to act out.  Such is life; business as usual.  Even when we are getting killed by something we cant see.”

“My brother lives in Topeka.  He tells me that people are leaving for the country.  No one wants to take a chance in the city.  Some people have even lost babies.  Babies!”

“I try to help the citizens of this state but I’m afraid we don’t know what this is.  People thought they’d be safe in the towns but it caught up with them.  The people of Lindsborg panicked when the first death came.  They didn’t think it could reach them in a small town.  They thought they’d escaped.  The town has had fifteen casualties thus far.  Not much but it is a small town.  Many are planning to move again.  As if distance can save them from what we’re dealing with.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m sending troops to help with the problem.  We need those places quarantined.  I’d, even, be willing to shoot a few to save the many.”

“Hays is fairing better.  Higher population and the flu has only taken ten people.  Sad but I’m happy some people are finding refuge.”

“Doesn’t matter.  We still need to contain this anyway we can.”

“Treating a population like cattle is a sure way to become society villain.”

“We are doing what we can for the good of the population.  I don’t see any other way.”

“You could try looking at this plague as if its ravaging your family as apposed to faceless sheep!”

Just when I was about to interject, I heard another shrill from upstairs.  

     The shrill was weaker than the last.  Like someone waking from a nightmare.  The comforting coos of the nurse were what followed.  I squeezed my fists as tears forced their way out of me.  It never felt right to cry in front of another man so I choked the tears down and stared at my coffee.  Jacob stared at his shoes in despair as both him and I griped our emotions.  Jacob’s gaze slowely met mine.

“I, too, lost a loved one.  Ten years ago.  My sister was hit by a buggy.  Now, it didn’t kill her right away.  She lived for another day.  You wouldn’t call it “living”.  She was bed-ridden.  On her death bed, surrounded by family, she told me i was a son of bitch.”  Jacob and I shared a much needed laugh.  

“What does that make her?”

“The bitches daughter.”

We stopped laughing and had a moment of silence.  We thought about how this flu was affecting the country.

     “The flu finally reached Vermont.”

Jacob seemed perplexed.

“Where hasn’t the flu reached?”

“The flu has reached most of the country.  It just hasn’t been vast areas.  There have been cases in parts of Louisiana but not a lot.  It surly isn’t an epidemic and it would be laughable to call it an outbreak.  The farthest it has gone is Illinois.  It hasn’t been as tragic.  The top has been low.  Laughable really.”

“I heard Utah had, at least, one case.  Man was found sprawled in an alley in his own vomit.”

“There’s a nice mystery for the town.  Those are unusual symptoms.”

“I know.  They didn’t know it was the flu.  They thought the man was possessed.”

“Such a spectacle for a boring state such as Utah.”

“You should see how it affected Missouri!  The state was quit dull before the flu.  At least there’s something to talk about.  i really think we need a military intervention on those states before its to late.”

Jacob and I share another laugh.  The tension appeared to have eased.  Jacob pulled out a bottle.

“Care for some scotch?”

“A little early isn’t it?”

“Put some in your coffee.”

I hold out my cup for some of that delicious scotch.  The nurse walked in mid-pour.  

    “Johnson!  What we got?”

“Looks like a man in his late twenties.  Suicide.”

“Ah.  Another one.  This has been a rough month.  I only wish we could get to the bottom of this.  Such ah shame.”

“Sir.  We found a series of notes from the victim on his computer.  Some we need a password but we can see a few without hacking.”

“Hmmm.  Sounds interesting.  We would be first to give an explanation.  Let’s read em!!!”

January 4th.  2018.  4:13 PM

 I can’t do it!!   I cant live in his shadow anymore.  Why is he the lucky one.  Tom’s a douche.  I hope he crashes and burns.  This is the end.  I gave it a try but I’m not living life as a noting!!  I hope he finds me hung with my corpse just staring at him.  Now my parents won’t have a reason to be ashamed!!!

“Wow!  This guy must have sad about his life.  Didn’t accomplish much.”

“I’m not so sure.  He has a number of awards on his wall.”

“Hmm.  Personal issues?”

“There’s another note from a few years back.”

October 6th.  2015.  5:14 AM

  I move to the city today.  I’m excited to find out what events will unfold in my life.  Ive been planning this for a few years now and I’m excited to accomplish my goals!  

“Wow.  Such a change of heart.  Sad.  Kid moves to the city with dreads and gets shit out in a few years.  Just a case of self hatred on a mass scale.”

“Couldn’t have been to bad.  I see lots accomplishments in the boxes.”

                                                   ****

“Johnson!!!  We ready to pack it in?!”

“In a sec.  I found a few more notes from this guy.”

“Johnson!!  Is this useful info!?”

“Come and take a look.”

November 12th.  2015.  6:31 PM

    I got accepted to be in a play.  Not anything noteworthy.  Just an off-broadway production in the heart of Brooklyn.  Its not to bad.  I met a cool guy named Brandon.  He gave me advice.  I’m sure it could do something.

November 29th.  2015.  5 pm

   Play went well.  I’m happy to say I got offered another role in a Brooklyn play house.  I had to leave my apartment in manhattan and move to Brooklyn.  I’m saving money but I feel like a failure. Brandon tells me to keep my head down and focus on myself.  Not bad.”

February 4th.  2016.  6:01 pm

   Been working at this play house.  I get a few roles here and there.  Nothing insane.  I did get the lead role in Phantasm.  It was cool but I feel stuck.  Brandon’s doing much better.  He got to play a minor role on Broadway.  People say it takes time but that’s not making me feel any less like a piece of shit.

June 21st.  2016.  9:30 AM

   I called Brandon and it seems he’s bailing on me.  He tells me he hasn’t had much time to hang.  I guess I understand.  He got cast in a few roles.  Things have picked up a little.  Having friends in high places really helps.  I got a few background roles on broadway.  I’m also able to help out behind the scenes.  Not to bad.  Although, I want what Brandon has.  I would love to be busy.  He sees it as a pain, I see it as a huge leap forward.

July 5th.  2016.  10:02 AM

   Me and a few guys went to a party for the 4th.  I met a few of the guys from the set.  This has been a good summer.  Plenty of auditions and plenty of good hangs.Brandon showed up.  He came late from a rehearsal.  Fuckin guy doesn’t know how lucky he has it.

“Cuts off there.  There might be more in his hard drive.”

“Hmm.  Seems like happy kid to me.  I wonder what happened in between now and the last note.”

“I might have to do more work to find out.  We can take the PC in and do a search.”

“We just might have to do that, Johnson!  Pack it in.  Let’s get back to the station.”

                                                   *****

“Hmm.  I feel odd.  Like I’m not doing enough to find out these suicides.”

“Sir!  I found more notes on his computer.”

“Great!!  Let’s here more!”

November 12th.  2016.  Midnight

  It’s shaping up to be a better year.  Me and Brandon are going to travel to Chicago for a performance.  We might be able to tour the country performing Hamlet.  I haven’t been this excited in years.

January 2nd.  2017.  2:19.  AM

   I just got back to Brooklyn.  I was busy for the last month and a half touring the Midwest.  Brandon got chosen to perform in the UK.  I’d like to say I’m proud of him but I’m hurt.  I feel like it should have been me but I’m sure everybody says that.  Well......I’m back in the city to look for my break.

February 3rd.  2017.  Noon

   Not a break but I am working in a broadway theater where they have many good plays from famous people.  Larry David is supposed to have his play hear next month and I was chosen as an extra.  I also get to pa for the production company.  I feel like a looser.  This just feels like I’m looking through a window at the thing I actually want to do.  Someday.

March 20th.  2017.  2:45 PM

   I got a few small parts in the background of the play.  It was okey.

April 5th.  2017.  5 PM

   Just found out Brandon was going to be in the fiddler on the roof.  Gah.  Kill m now.

June 30th.  2017.  2:13 PM

   Not to busy.  Just board.  A little sad.  Been getting booked less and don’t feel like showing up all the time.

July 2nd.  2017.  9:34 AM

   Brandon invited me to mingle in the Atlanta play fest.  Really big deal.  I might be able to get a bit part.

July 5th.  2017.  5:16 AM

   Fun night. A little drunk and having fun minglkingv .  Feel better bout this.

August 9th.  2017.  9:19 AM

   I’m having trouble feeling like I have a purpose.  I’m playing menial roles as the best friend of the lead.  Ive been making a little money doing this.  I’m going to be in the an acting conservatory even if it kills me!!!

December 11th.  2017.  10 AM

   I’m visiting my family for Christmas.  I haven’t seen them in a couple years.  Hope to have some pie.

January 3rd.  2018.  1:50 AM

    Well with trying to be a shitty optimist I am pissed.  I cant take much more of just being an after thought.  Of only playing these small roles in these infamous plays.  Its so embarrassing to be playing a bit part on fiddler on the roof.  I want to go a lot farther than this.  I don’t think I can take this.

“Thats it.  Than its just what we found earlier.”

    Gasp!!!!   I wonder how long I have been walking.  My clock says ten hours but it feels a lot longer.  I cant see an end.  I’m not giving up!  I will follow through till the end.  I have plenty of food and water and as long as I make haste I will make it......I just know it!

    My family and I moved to the new world five years ago.  We wanted to see what all the fuss was about and we just got comfortable.  The new world was simple.  Just a giant housing track.  A mega suburb.  This is different than miles of sprawl......this was a new type of community.  Planned to the tee.  There were no restaurants, shopping centers, or jobs that people went to.  If you made it in these suburbs, food got sent to your house by these tubes that were connected to your kitchen, you shopped via the internet and the gifts would come through another tube in the chimneys.  The jobs you had were all in the basements of the houses.  I’m not sure what my parents did but I’m sure it was good.  We didnt have cars(which was weird for a giant burb.).  Families had pods that would take them from their driveways to designated parks for fresh air.  

    I was ten when my family moved here.  At first it didnt seem to different than the last town we lived in.  My family wasnt super outgoing to begin with os it’s not as if I missed amazing outings.  My father would much rather spend time surfing the net than taking us out on some physical adventure.  We moved here in June and I didn’t notice much except for the schools being a little smaller and the kids seemed more restless.  I would go to school, come home, and occasionally go to the parks with some friends.  At a certain point I wondered why we didnt go to malls or go out in general anymore.  This didn’t strike me as odd at first but at a certain point you notice the lack of restaurants and other signs of outside human interaction.  I don’t even remember the last time you saw a fast food place.  My father used to take us on vacations.  They weren’t much, but even him being a home body didn’t stop the occasional trip.  At fourteen I asked if we could leave the town for a couple days to see what changes have taken place in the country since we’ve been away.  They would tell me we could try but gettting out of here is kind of a hassle and wouldn’t tell me Moore than that so I would eventually just forget.  On my fifteenth birthday I asked, again, if we could leave.  I got the same answers.  Rather than push the topic I decided to just try and leave myself.

     My plan was to take one of the pods that go to the park and attempt to transfer pods with other people.  I would go to the park and hitch a ride to other parks in one direction until I reached the end of the new world.  After school I went to the park and searched for people who were willing to give me a ride.  I was nervous as this was a very unorthodox thing to ask.  I was relieved when I found my friend Jewel.  I approached her with the nervous excitement of a future parent.

“Hey J!  I was wondering if I could ride in your pod to a park in your south area?”

“Thats kind of weird.  Why do You need to go there?”

“I just want to see what other places are like.  You aren’t a little curious?”

“Hmmm.  A little.  Ive just never had a reason to go to other neighborhoods.  They’re just places other people live.  Why do you need to see that?  Do you really need to see more beige homes?”

“I don’t want to see other neighborhoods......I want to see the outside world.  I haven’t seen it in years.  I want to see how its changed.  I know we live in paradise but I’m curious.”

“Oh.  I guess I understand that.  You’ve been talking about this for a over a year.  Do you know where to go?”

“No, but i figure if i keep going in one direction i have to see the end eventually.”

“I guess that makes sense.  I don’t see any reason I cant take you to the park.”

“You should come with!”

“No.  I have homework.  Just get in!”

     Jewel took me the park near her house.  I thanked her and tried to find another person I could hitch a ride with.  Walking around I found a couple who appeared more free spirited than the rest of the community.  I walked up to them hopping they were as cool as they looked.

“Hey!”

I waved as i moved forward.

“Hello?”

I explained my situation to the couple and they seemed very intrigued.

“Thats awesome!  Its about time someone had a little balls around this community!  We have a couple days off from work so we might just go with you some of the way!”

“That sounds great!  I thought I was going to be alone most of the time.”

“It would be nice to get out of this place instead of drinking the wine we normally have delivered into our kitchen every weekend.”  

Just like that, we were off.

     We rode in their pod until we got to the couple’s southern park.  There they were able to find a friend of their’s who was willing to take us to his southern park.  Our plan was to repeat this as much as possible.  We eventually made it to the fifth pod.

“I’m impressed by your spirit!  This is one thing that the neighborhood left out.  The ability to nurture desire.”

 “Thanks!  You guys seem like exciting people.  Why are living here?  It’s so boring.”

“We decided to give it a try for a few years and just got comfortable.  At our age, we really don’t need to do as much.  We had our fun on the outside and now we are content with what we have.  We do feel bad for anyone who has to grow up in here.”

It was than that the boy friend spoke for the first time.

“That is why we are so happy to help.  We think its inspiring that you want to see parts of the world.  You might be able to teach us a thing or two.”

“Thanks.  I’ll try.”

“Here is a rice bun just in case you get hungry.”

     I managed to travel two hours in the pods thanks to the couple.  I was taken back as to how big this place was.  Two hours of driving and everything looked the same.  The couple’s friend could only take me another thirty minutes.  I left the pod and started walking.  I figured I would be able to walk at this point seeing as I have been in pods for at least three hours.  I walked for another two hours.  Everything appeared the same.  I might as well had been in my neighborhood.  I was getting tired and hungry.  The couple had given me water but I felt like I was about to keel over.  I went to the first house I saw and knocked at the door.   A tall man opened the door.  He looked as if he knew I’d be coming to this house.

     “Come on in.  You were quicker than expected.”

The man handed me some water and a rice bun.  I grabbed the bun and took a large bite.  I walked in an sat down.  Once I finished the food I turned and looked at him.

“How did you know I would come here?  Also.......who are you?”

“I’m an architect of the new world.  I have been watching you through the cameras.”

“Are you mad?”

“Not at all.  In fact, I’m intrigued by your curiosity.  In the time I’ve lived here I have yet to see anyone as bold as you.  You have the human spirit which most here lack.”

“I’m just leaving the community for a little.  I’m coming back.  I just wanted to see how the world was doing.  I haven’t seen it in years.”

“That’s what I mean.  People have been curious but know one has had the spirit to try and look.  The new world is a complicated system.  It’s meant to give you any need you could have.  Leaving is impractical so we didn’t think of making an easy exit.  You had enough curiosity to try and see outside.   This tells us that we need to work on our design.”

“How do we leave?”

“You can just keep walking.  You will eventually find the exit.  If you keep walking down the street two blocks south of here, you will find the way out within the day.”

“This new world is a big project!!”

“We are trying to make it bigger.  We want to deliver our services to the country.  You are making me think of adding a street bar to keep others content.”

“Thank you for the food.”

“Its my pleasure.”

    I left and walked to the street he told me to go towards.  I had a new excitement.  Like this adventure was for something.  I skipped once I got to the street and continued my journey.  I noticed the houses on this street were much larger and more entertaining to look at than the rest of the neighborhoods.  I wondered why the other houses couldn’t look like that.  I stopped to look at one house that had a gothic texture to it.  I almost walked up to the front door before kicking myself and forcing me back to the task at hand.

                                     *******

     It had been another four hours of walking.  I stopped at a few houses who were happy to fill up my cantina and give me a snack to energize me.  However, i didn’t feel that I was going very far.  In fact, not many people even knew what I was asking.  They had no idea they were closer to the exit.  Many have never even considered the outside world in years.  I continued to walk until I saw a man waving to me from an odd looking house.  I walked over.

“Hey.  Where ya going?”

“I’m leaving the knew world for a bit.  I want to see what the outside world looks like.”

“Jesus!!  I thought so.  I have bad news for ya.  You aren’t heading there.”

“What do you mean?  Ive been walking this way for ten hours now.  I have to get there sometime.”

“You are going no where near the exit.”

“I was told to go this way by the architect.”

“That explains why you’re here.  No one in charge wants you to leave.  They don’t even want you to think of the outside.  He sent you here on purpose.”

“Why do you think that?”

“It happened to me years ago.  I left my family’s home and was sent here.  I have no idea where anything is anymore so I just decided to stop looking and stay here.  This must be a tactic he has to trap people.  Send them to the weirdest neighborhood to distract them from noticing the prison they are walking into.”

“I don’t believe it!!  You’re lying!!”

“Nope.  I have been here for years.  There is no way out.  I mean there is ........but no one will tell you where it is and they will lie and send you down the wrong path in order to keep you from finding it.  More architects will sabotage your goal.  You won’t even know who is an architect.  So many lies that you wont know who is telling the truth.”

“.......mother fucker!!!”

“I know.  Shit’s annoying.  Come here and let’s find out how far away you are.”

I go inside this larger than average house and he shows me a map.  I went in some weird loop.  The loop turned in such a way that I thought I was walking a straight path this whole time.  I felt conned.  Worst part was I had no idea how to get home.  The path changes every day and it is a real trek on how to get back.  It makes sense as to why I saw so many different people.  I wasn’t going to stay here.  I wasn’t going to give up.  I needed to find a way.

     I walked up to my new friend.

“Hey.  Thank you for helping me but I can’t give up.  I need to keep trying other wise this trouble was for nothing.  I’m going to find my way to the outside.  I see the map and I will try and follow to the end.  I don’t care if I need to sneak through back yards.”

“Hmmm.  You’re crazy.....But I like your style.  Your human spirit and motivation.  This is the important thing the new world lacks.”

“You should come with me!”

“Nah.  My spirit is spent.  Your best bet is following this path.”

He points me to a path and gives me directions and some rice buns.  I was off.

                                              ********

     This is where I find myself now; walk-in in the dark.  It has been ten hours since I left that neighborhood.  I was beginning to get hungry.  I pulled out the buns I had in my backpack.  I heard a shriek.  It was another person outside their home pointing at my food.  

“Are those rice buns???!!!”

“Yes.  I got them from someone in a neighborhood ten hours away.”

“I haven’t had rice bans here since the architect gave them to me.”

“Yeah.  I’m not sure where you get them.  An architect gave me some and some other guy just had em.  Maybe they got another deal from the rest of us.”

“Ha ha.  No.  Only the architects get that food.”

“!!!! No!!  I got this from someone who couldn’t find their way home.”

“Let me guess......you’re looking for a way out of the new world?”

“Yes!  Are you looking to?”

“Was.  We all were.”

The man points behind him and four people come out of some bushes.

“We all got sent in the wrong direction by the same guy.  Curly hair?  Blue eyes?  Heavier build?”

“But!!!!  I was misled once!!  He gave me a map!  See?”

All of the strangers looked at the map and giggled.

“Let me show you my map.”

He goes into his house and comes back with a map.  The map he had looked very different.  The map he had made all the neighborhoods appear grid like.  The map I had made everything look loopy and creative.

“How??!!”

“He’s another architect of the new world.  They don’t want you to leave.  They will just keep lying until you give up.”

I realized how foolish i was to just believe a random person.  How do i know who’s telling the truth?  Another man spoke. 

“I believe the first architect was telling the truth!  The other one just got wind and tried to sabotage him.”

“I believe the second one was telling the truth and he wanted us to all meet.”

Everyone had their own opinion as to who was telling the truth and where to leave.  No one had a concrete answer.  This was not good.  I was out of options......I had to many options.  I’m not sure if I had a chance anymore.  I guess I had to make an educated guess as to where the tue path lied.....also........who lied.  

   Gina wakes to the sight of her man.  Tom, still asleep, turns to his side.  Gina kisses him and gets up.  She wonders how she got so lucky to find a sweet guy like him.  

   Tom and Gina met at a mutual friend’s party.  They were both Econ majors so they figured this would be a good fit.  They hit it off immediately.  Tom enjoyed Gina’s taste in music and Gina was happy she found a man into Cronanberg movies.  The two discussed their interests in left wing politics the whole night.  They woke up and spent the next day together.  Gina is excited about the future.

    Gina goes to the kitchen to make make breakfast.  French toast and bacon.  Gina hears Tom walking in.  He sits in his chair with a huge grin on his face.  Gina winks at him.  Tom gives a cocky nod.  The two have a young love.  Tonight is Tom’s twenty first birthday and they were celebrating with a huge birthday bash.  Gina can’t wait.  Tom is keeping his cool.  

    The night came faster than they could have imagined.  Twenty of their friend’s showed up to their apartment off campus.  There were many bottles of vodka.  Although the bottles were cheap, they were bottles they planned on keeping to remember this occasion.  The two drank until they couldn’t think.  They lay, on the verge of passing out, next to each other.  Everything went black.

    Gina wakes up next to Tom.  Tom turns to his side.  In pain, she feels lucky to be able to wake up next to such an angel.  She makes their favorite breakfast; a Spanish style omelette with maple syrup.  Tom enters the kitchen in his plaid pajama bottoms that Gina bought him.  She thought it was strange.  She remembers buying him a blue pajama bottom.  Tom sits and plays with his food.  Tom sits with an odd look.  “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not a huge fan of the syrup.”

“I’m sorry baby.  I though you liked it.”

“Its okey, boo.  I like it because you made it.”

“AW.  You’re so sweet.”

Gina hugs Tom.  The two seem very happy about the way things are going.

                                                       *****

    Gina wakes next to Tom.  Tom rolls over on his side.  Gina gets out of bed hungover.  She goes to make their favorite breakfast;  Sunny side up eggs with potatoes.  Tom stumbles in.  “What happened last night?”

“Drank the rest of the tequila.  Woke up in a different place than we remember.  Tipicle friday.”

“Ya think we can have something more than tequila?”

“Its the first think we drank.  It makes me nostalgic.”

Tom lets out a soft grunt.  Gina is excited.  Tonight’s Tom’s twenty fourth birthday.  They get to spend another Saturday getting drunk and hanging with their best friends.  Gina was inviting her psychology friends and Tom was inviting his philosophy group.  Gina was happy to hang with some people she hadn’t seen in a few weeks.

    It was a fun party.  Thirteen people showed up.  Some friends and some colleagues.  Tom was talking with his fiends when Gina wanted to know what the plans were for the rest of the night.  Tom wanted to get some drinks at the bar next door.  Gina was a little disappointed.  She wanted to drink on the roof of the building. She had always liked the time they shared up there.  The two met down the street and had a few more drinks.  They ended back at their apartment.  They drank a little more and lay down.  Everything went black.

    The two wake up in different places.  Tom on the floor and Gina on the couch.  Tom puts on his green pajamas.  His favorite pajamas he bought from the store.  Gina gets up to make their favorite breakfast; hash browns with bacon.  Tom wanted to know where the eggs were.  Gina says she didnt buy them.  Tom huffs and walks out of the room.  He comes back a few minutes later to announce he’s going to the gym.  Gina was confused.  Tom normally didnt go to the gym.  Gina sits down.  Gina isn’t sure where things are going.  She still loves Tom but feels he’s changed.  Like blacking out created a new version.  Maybe it was her.  

                                                       ******

     Gina wakes up.  Tom rolls to his side.  Gina gets up to make her breakfast.  She stopped making Tom’s breakfast a while ago.  She never got it right.  Gina was happy.  It was Tom’s twenty seventh birthday and he was also starting his second year in law school.  Gina was going to invite all her colleagues from the school she worked at.  She didn't think Tom enjoyed the prospect of a party.  He said it was okey but didnt seem thrilled.  She decided to only invite five of their friends so the night could end early and the couple could go to bed.  

     The get together is in swing.  Tom is stressed but trying to keep his cool.  Gina is trying to make sure her place is in order for her guests.  A little more came than she had thought.  There were nine people at the house as Tom invited a few of his friends from school to hang out.  Gina was a little perturbed.  She didnt care much for his friends.  They were rude and weren’t to accomadating to Gina while she was around.  Tom pulled Gina aside to lecture her about her friends.  Gina felt insulted as she never hassled him about his friends.  No matter.  She would tell them to leave early so the couple could have their alone time.  

    Once Gina’s friend’s left Tom’s didn’t.  Gina waited for a bit but decided to just go to bad after forty minutes of listening to them discuss the women his friends thought were hot.  Gina went to get a drink before she went to her room.  She took a bottle of rum; her favorite liquor.  She drank more than she wanted and began to feel drunk.  She continued to drink alone until she had to lie down.  Once Tom’s friends left the apartment he walked into the room to find Gina drunk next to a bottle of rum.  Tom much preferred Gin.  Tom started drinking to bring in the new birthday.  He drank the rest of the bottle and lay next to Gina.  Tom nudged Gina hoping to get some birthday sex.  Gina, happily, abridged.  She may have been drunk and tired but she loved the times they were intimate.  It always reminded her of the guy she once had seven years ago.  Everything went black.

     Gina woke up on the floor. She got up to make her favorite hash browns.  She didnt bother making Tom’s as he felt better making his own.  She didnt see Tom this morning.  She felt that he had left early.  She didnt remember the last time she had fun at a party.  She wanted last night to be special for Tom.  She didnt think he cared anymore.  She never admitted it but she had the same feelings.  It really did feel like she had been living with a stranger.  She felt that maybe Her and Tom needed some space.

                                                       *****

   “I believe our thoughts are not our own.  Our minds are to wild to control.  They aren’t ours.  We have an imprint.  A thinker.  Something else is in our heads.  We are not the ones thinking our own thoughts!”

“Interesting.  What movie?”

“Does it sound that far-fetched?”

“It sounds like a high-dia.”

“Well, I have good reason to believe it.  Why cant we control our own thoughts?  Why do we need to meditate in order to calm our them?  We aren’t calming our thoughts, we’re ignoring them with our own mantras.”

“Meditation is to focus.”

“Yes!  So you don’t think certain thoughts.  We all seem to have a similar demon.  Why do you think we feel guilty?  Why do we overthink things?  Where do these thoughts come from?”

“You’re not going to convince me there is a creature living in my head.  Its the opposite of God.  He doesn’t sound like this supreme being.  He sounds like a tiny being who can influence only one person.  Why do you believe this!?”

“I talk to mine.”

“What?!”

“I speak to mine on a regular basis.  I thought it was me at first, but I’m now getting responses which I couldn’t give.”

“I think you have a disorder.”

“Thats what I thought at first.  I had many odd symptoms.  It was telling me to burn stuff.  I ignored it than confronted it.  It stopped telling me to hurt things and finally talked to me.  He knows so much.  He helps me with my issues.  I’m no longer in debt because of him.  However, you need to learn how to utilize him.  He can be a menace.  When you feel like you’re going insane, that’s the voice trying to rattle you.  You need to take control of it.  Thats how you get what you want.”

“You’re weird!”

“It doesn’t matter.  I know what my issues are and I have solved them.  They can guide us.  They don’t always succeed.  If you don’t believe me, try talking until you get real answers.  You need to push hard.  They’re stubborn.”

“I’m going home.”

“You could find out what ever you’d like.  Even what happened to Jules.”

I looked back in anger.  Tim smiled.  I left the bar.

   Tim was weird with this occult stuff but this felt different.  Tim was always fun but ive never seen him this creepy.  Normally I would have ignored and went on with my life.  However, I was intrigued.  My life has been pretty lousy this past year.  I lost my job, I dropped out of school, and Julie left me two months ago. We were together five years.  I woke up with a note saying we couldn’t be together.  The note had no explanation but I knew why she left.  I was depressed since I left school and moped around most of the time.  I was lucky she stayed as long as she did.  Ive missed her so much that I was actually thinking about doing this.   I didn’t believe but the thought of, at least, knowing how I could fix my life and get Jules back.  I was giving this a try tonight.

    Tim told me to make this a bit ceremonial as our minds get triggered by traditional stuff.  We conjure up our own results.  That is how it works with ouija boards.  I got myself into a dark room, lit a few candles, sat in front of a mirror, and just looked at my reflection.  I looked and asked some questions.  “What is wrong with me?”  I felt like someone told me to write an amazing story.  I wasn’t sure what to ask or what answers I’d receive.  I told myself I would give this, at least, an hour.  “Why am I so depressed?”  My face just looked at me as if I’d asked a dog about algebra. Nothing to out of the ordinary.  Just my confused reflection.  My thoughts, however, were beginning to flow a bit more freely.  Like the creative part of my brain’s dam broke much like an LSD trip.  I was wondering if this is what Tim was talking about.  I continued to ask questions.  “What is to come with my life?”  I would come up with my own answers.  Some good some bad.  I wasn’t to freaked out.  This didn’t seem to be out of the ordinary.

     It had been over an hour and nothing substantial.  I gave it an extra thirty minutes as I felt this to be therapeutic.  I was about leave when I noticed my reflection giving me an odd smirk.  I felt like it wasn’t making that face.  I decided to ask one more question.  “Who are you?”  Just like I thought.......nothing.  I smiled and was about to walk away when I noticed the smile of my reflection.  I wasn’t making that smile.  At least, I’m sure I wasn’t.  I stared for a minute when my thoughts started to get eradic.  I thought about how I wanted to die and kill someone.  I Yelled; “Stop!!” It didnt stop.  I continued to scream at my own mind.  “Why am I having these thoughts?!”   I wasn’t going to let this thing make my crazy.  “What happened to Julie!!”  I started hearing Julie’s voice.  She talked about how she, secretly, wanted me to die.  She thought I was annoying and she only stayed with me Because I offered entertainment till she found something new.  I got down on my knees and cried.

    I was sobbing for ten minutes, trying to be louder than my thoughts.  I told myself to burn the house and die with it.  I was about to reach for a knife when I remembered what Tim said before I left the bar.  He told me the voice would try to make me think I’m insane and I would need to be strong.  I had to be stubborn.  I stood up and looked at my reflection.  My face took on a sardonic tone.  Tears streaming down my face I yelled “Shut up!!!”  This caused my reflection’s grin to widen.  The thoughts felt like a razor blade cutting through steel.  I felt like I was being tortured physically.  I had to be strong.  I knew that if I couldn’t beat this that I wasn’t going to be insane.  What ever this was it was a part of me and It couldn’t let me leave knowing about it.  My thoughts of death felt like a crying child was screaming them in my ear.  I had flash backs.  I started to see my boss yelling at me.  I relived the depression as my grades started to slip.  I heard my last conversation with Jules.  I felt that feeling of waking up to her note.  The note saying I’m leaving.  Somehow, I wasn’t surprised.  My knees wanted to buckle but I stayed firm.  “What happened to Jules!!!!”  I heard myself say Jules hates you.  The voice echoing out into her voice than sound like a tape speeding up.  Jules hates you Jules hates you Jules hates you!!!!  “How do I fix my life!!!”.  Just die!!

     This lasted for twenty minutes than Just like that........ he stopped.  He gave me a genuine smile.  “What do you want?!  It’s dangerous talking to me.  Why do you hate not having control?  It can feel so relieving.”

“Its weird.  Do we not have control of our thoughts?”

“You have some control.  For the most part its me.  I’m the one who does the thinking.  You still have free will but its me who supplies the ideas.”

“I’m not going to get mad at the reality.  I came here for a reason.”

“To find out why you cant keep a job?  To wonder why your sorrow caused you to fail school?  To  get Jules back?  I gave you those thoughts.  Most of them.”

“How can I fix myself?”

“I have that ability.”

“How?  How can we fix this?”

“Not we......I!”

“You or me?”

“Me!”

“How?”

“Just let me do my work.  You are no longer in control.”

“I would like to have a hand in this!”

“It doesn’t matter.  Like I said, you are doing a dangerous thing by talking to your subconscious.  Same with Tim.  He is now his subconscious.”

“Okey.  I’m leavingj.”

“To late.  You have brought me out.”

“Fuck you!  I’m leaving this room!”

“Okey.”

I was about to leave when I realized the room looked a little different.  Everything seemed inverted.  Like things were on the wearing side.  I was confused but I needed to leave.  It was hard to move.  I looked at my subconscious in disgust.

“What did you did do to me?”

“I did nothing.  This was all you.  You pulled off a switch.  Now you’re in my place and I’m in yours.  Don’t worry.  Maybe I will pulll off the switch.....eventually.  I want to try living.  See if I can do better than you.”

   Tim walks in the room with a large smile.

“Is it done?”

“Yes.  I’m now in his place.  Don’t worry, Tom.  You are now in control of your thoughts.  I’m the one with the control of the body.”

    I don’t ask for much out of this place, just some time to do normal things such as cooking and listening to a podcast.  I don’t spend a lot of time in my apartment.  I sleep, wake up, shower, cook, eat, and leave.  I don’t return to this place until, at least, 8 pm.  I don’t think its to much to ask to cook without my roommate staring at me through the creek in her door.  

    I normally wake up to a quite apartment.  My roommates seem to be gone by the time I wake up.  This makes me happy as I get to spend the morning cooking my eggs and listening to my podcasts.  However, I’m never alone any more.  She’s always watching me.  I’ll say hello but she just closes the door.  Its hard to shrug this off when I can tell she’s listening as I eat.  If I’m quite enough i can hear her breath.  She sounds as if she smokes ten cigarrettes at a time than inhales some exhaust.  I finish my breakfast as fast as I can and leave my place.  I can feel eyes on me as I walk to the door.  

      I normally lie on my right side when I sleep.  I face the wall.  But I can tell he’s there.  I can here the taps at my window.  I never turn to see who’s out there.  I stay silent.  Some times I hear taps, other times I hear shuffling as if the noise was in my room.  This has been going on for two months.

       It started with a slight change in the vibe of my home.  I was used to my apartment being this silent and lonely place where I could unload after a hard day’s work.  At some point it stopped having that vibe.  I started to feel as if I were given an impromptu performance.  I couldn’t prove this to anyone, let alone myself but I could feel it.  The feeling was as if you were walking through your house with someone, behind you, always about to touch you but never fully going for it.  My apartment started to feel like a labyrinth.  A maze with sharp gaze around every corner.  Making my coffee became a spectator sport.  Brushing my teeth became a race.  I was no longer living alone.  A fact that was oddly soothing.

      I was finally able to prove, to myself, that I had a visitor.  I left a note which read “Why?”.  When I returned from work the note read “Why not?”  Someone was entering my house.  Maybe even living there.  It became a weekly thing to try and talk to my new guest.  I would write him notes, leave food, and watch movies with the intention of him always watching.  I would hear tapping during the films to indicate his presence.  What started off as weekly started to increase.  I asked him if he enjoyed movies.  His favorite were old horror movies.  I started to write the notes a couple times a week, which turned into a nightly occupancy.  We would guess what the ending of each movie was going to be.  When he was right he would right me a note which said “Ha!!”  We never met but I felt like he was always there for me.  This should have been a scary situation but I found myself enjoying the company.  

     I had spent the last five years in this city.  It had been a lonely experience.  Friends left for other cities, dating became more of a hassle, and work was very isolating.  I didn’t have time to socialize so this was comforting.  I became more of a home body.  I would come home from work with food that I would place in an empty room and clean it the next morning.  He would always right a note next to the empty plate.  “Thanx luv. :)” Is all it would say.  An act so small meant so much to me.  His presence had me at peace until the moment I didnt feel it anymore.

      It was during a movie I put on where I felt different.  Like my apartement was missing something.  I shrugged it off and continued to chat with nobody.  The next morning I checked for an empty plate of food.  The plate was un eaten.  No note.  I spent the next two weeks leaving notes in hopes of a reply.  I would occasionally get something.  I got three notes in the past week.  The notes would be sort of meaningless like “Sorry.  Busy.” “Ha ha.” Or just “tired” when I asked how he was feeling tonight.  It was the last note I received from him.  The tapping and shuffling had stopped.  My apartment had that vibe again......the vibe of being empty.  The vibe of searching for something that I didn’t know existed.  I stoped feeling like I was walking into someone’s gaze.  It hurt to think that my stalker got board of me.  Such is life.  Back to the grind of living in this lonely city hoping someone else will see me and decide to make me an object of their desire.

    I cant feel my hands.  I cant feel my feet.  I cant here my own thoughts.  I am sweating to much.  I cant move.  There is a way out but it feels out of reach.  There is a new opening every two minutes and I cant seem to leave this hell.  Eyes are all around me but I’m not sure if they’re on me.  Every thought I have is produces a new challenge.  A challenge not to act on the thought.  I want to freak out!  I need to freak out!

      The movement has stopped.  I can feel the agrivation.  The movement was the only thing keeping me sane.  It was the only thing giving me hope.  The movement was gone.  I was alone.  We are all alone in this place.  Waiting for our turn to leave.

       I felt a hand touch my arm.  I didnt jump.  This was a regular occurrence.  You would be touched by an unknown source causing panic and dread.  I, normally, didnt mind.  The shock wares off after a year.  

        I felt movement again.  My heart rate decreasing and my relief showing.  The eyes I felt were now lulling back into a state of bliss.  I forgot how nervous I was feeling before until I felt a sudden stop.

       I herd a distant voice.  “Attention passengers!  This train is experiencing major engine problems and has broken down.  Please be patient.”

      “I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!   I’M GONNA KILL YA NEXT TIME I SEE YA!!!”  My roommate’s screaming again.  I want to say he woke me up but the sound of his music kept me from sleeping.  Somehow his screaming is louder than his music.  I check my clock.  3:30 am.  Damn!  “Who is he talking to?”  I whispered to myself.  He’s always mad at someone.  His music continued to play as the prospect of sleep went further away.  This was one of those nights.  The nights that I contemplate knocking on a psycho’s door and ask to turn down his music.

     Ive gone to his door before.  He, swiftly, opened his door with a blank stair.  His head covered in sweat as he looked at the floor and breathed heavily.  He looked as if he struggled to murder a friend and was ambivalent of the experience.  “Can you turn your music down?”  I asked.  

“UGHH” is the answer I got.  He, slowely closed the door and turned is music down two notches.  

      I guess I shouldn’t be to mad.  Because of him I no longer hear the rustling of the critters that live down here.  Just the sound of his mediocre techno and him threatening, who I assume, an imaginary person.  I used to enjoy the silence of this place.  I enjoyed the stale air and the creaking of the pipes.  I missed hearing drunk pedestrians scream at each other as they stumbled by my building.  This guy was ruining my underground haven and I had to stop him!

I was walking to the abandoned school house to find a photograph from my ex girlfriend Mary.  I was given the photo as a teenager and been meaning to find it for a while.  I didn’t have much going for at the time.  I would spend my nights digging through nostalgia.

It had been a difficult six months.  Since my girlfriend left i have been sort of a bummer.  I burned through what little friends I had who would give me company.  Apparently, people don’t want to hang with negativity.  With no one to hang out with I had nothing to do but come home from work and browse the internet.  For the last four months my life had become an endless loop of videos and pointless nostalgia.  I just didn’t feel the need to really do anything.  Lately I’ve been digging into old photos.  Trying to relive old memories.  I recently found a picture of the old school house that we would hang in as kids.  I planned on going Friday after work.  I wanted to find this picture of my old girlfriend.  She wrote me a note in the back of it.  I really wanted to read what it said.  We were so happy back than.  I know its not healthy but I haven’t had much to do.  I was living for the past.  I’m not depressed but I do have huge issues.

I broke the hinges off the door.  I walked into lobby.  Everything was dark and dusty.  This place got run down.  It looked as if people hadn’t been there in at least ten years.  I remember when it first closed down because of the lead problem.  It became a hangout for misfit teenagers.  The smell brought me back to that time.  I remembered everything.  The nights drinking and smoking, the after school hang outs, and the casual hook-ups.  I needed to find the picture.  It was a Polaroid picture she gave me one night during our senior year.  She told me about the note that she wrote in the back.  I wasn’t supposed to read it until I got home.  It was my valentines present.  We left after she thought she heard people walking in and snuck out through the back.  When I got home the picture was gone.  I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time as I was still dating her.  I told myself I would go back to get it after school.  I never did.  Eventually, we graduated and broke up.  We both went to separate schools in different states.  The thought of her would enter my mind every now and than but I had moved on.   A year after college I moved to Philadelphia and the rest is history.

The room was dark and dusty.  I didn’t know if it was possible to find the photo.  This is the first time I had been there in fifteen years.  I continued to look.  Flashes of memories came flooding back every corner I searched.  Memories of drugs with people I barely remember.  Laughs with people who used to mean so much to me, yet mean nothing now.  A tear rolled down my cheek.  I was putting in so much effort to relive these times with people I don’t care about.   Everything I picked up sent dust flying in my face.  The school wasn’t that big and figured if the photo wasn’t in the few places it would have been stolen.  I decided to look in other rooms just as a memorial of a by gone era.  I entered one of the classrooms.  the room seemed different.  The room seemed a little more well Kept.  Still dusty but a lot less.  It appeared that people have been in here recently.  “I wonder how after people come in here?”

“More than you think.”

I jumped and ran behind the teachers desk.  I didn’t know where that voice had come from.  I was terrified.  I stayed hidden for a minute than he spoke again.

“Its okey.  I’m not going to bite.”

He had an odd accent.  He sounded Dutch with a hint of Arab.  I cant explain.  He had an old way of speaking.

“Are you just going to hide behind the desk?  I see your feet.  Ive been here long enough for my eyes to get used to the dark.”

I slowly got up.  No point in pretending I’m not here.  I shined my flashlight.  It was just an old guy.  He looked elderly and fit at the same time.  

“Who are you?”

“Just a guy.  I don’t have business here.  If that’s what you’re wondering.”

“What’s your name?”

“Everett.  That’s the last name I went by.”

I walked towards him.  I had questions.  Starting with the obvious.

“Why are you here?”

“To die.”

I jumped after hearing that.  

“Why?  What’s wrong?”

“People live and people die.  Nothing’s wrong.  Seems normal.”

“Are you sick?”

“Nope just dyin.”

“Where are your friends and family?”

“All dead.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m over it.”

“Why are you so indifferent?”

“I’m not.  People live and people die.  They died a long time ago.  There’d be something wrong with me if I were still upset.  Are ya gonna cry about Lincoln.”

“No.  But I never met him.”

Everett laughed.

“The guy was a hourses ass.  Did good but could be a huge jerk.”

“Are you saying you’re old enough to remember Lincoln?”

“I used to have drinks with him.”

“Shut up!”

I was beginning to think the man was senile.  Just a random drifter taking a rest.  Although, there was something, oddly, coherent about him.  I had a lot of trouble believing he was just a random nut job.  The man laughed again.

“Sorry.  I forgot to mention I have lived over a thousand years.”

 I laughed.  Now I was convinced he was insane.  No big deal, I thought.  I would just humor him and be on my way.  I needed some entertainment.

“Really?!  What’s that like?”

“I know you don’t believe me.  Thats fine.  Ive been around to long to care.  Ive known so many people, had so many groups of best friends, and have explained this many times.  You believe whatever you want.”

“Why have you chosen to die here?”

“Comfort.  Its cool in here.  I’m not a big fan of summer.”

I felt confused but found him interesting.  I had nothing better to do than listen any way.  So I just sat near him.  It could be a good way to pass the time.  I was going to keep engaging.  

“What’s your story?”

“Its long.”

“I have time.”

“I won’t tell you all of it as most of my story is shit.  Not all stories are worth mentioning.  I was born a thousand years ago to Danish farmers.  My family was killed when I was five.  I had to move on pretty quickly.  I was taken by another family who I would eventually call my own.  I grew up without parents.  I just had a bunch of older siblings.”

“What happened to that family?”

“Most lived to the healthy age of thirty-four.  That was the standard age back than.  I was surprised when I found myself still alive.  When I said goodbye to ma sister Jesé, I was filled with emotion.  She drifted off forever.  I thought I’d be dead within in a month.  At least in the next couple.  But I never died.  Twenty years later I found myself surrounded by friends and workers.  I met an older lady and we decided to migrate to the Middle East.  Ten years later my friends started to die off.  I thought it would be my time.  It wasn’t.  I still lived.  I I held my friend Tab in my arms for the last time.  We kissed and she slowely faded.  I still didn’t die.”

“Thats interesting.  It sounds like you had an interesting life.”

I felt very self conscious.  I think a part of me did believe him.

“Compared to my life you’ve done so much.”

“You seem like a bore.  I didn’t mean to offend but I don’t care if i did.  Most people I’ve met in the past hundred years have been incredibly boring.  It keeps getting worse.  Barely anybody gets stabbed anymore.  At least in America.”

“We’re at war!!”

“This is not a war.  My heart rate hasn’t risen in three decades.”

“Are you just going to sit here for another thousand years?”

“Nope.  I’m dyin soon.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ve never felt like this before.”

He became silent.

“So?  Maybe you’re sick?”

“Nope.  I know what that feels like.  Being sick just makes ya feel broke.  Like there is a piece in ya that’s loose.  This doesn’t feel like anything’s loose.  It feels like the piece is oldd and rusty.  Another way to look at it......  Its like when you see your dog growing up.  You watch the first time he walks up the stairs.  You feel pride.  Years later you slowly watch him loose that ability.  Thats what this feels like.  Like growing backwards. 

“That sounds scary.”

“Ive felt worse.  This is just different.”

“What advice would you give a young person like me?”

“I don’t know.  You’re probably not going to live my life.  Most people die pretty early.  I guess I would tell you not to waste it.”

“Shut up!  That’s so cliche.  I want something useful.  I don’t need a dumb Disney quote.”

“Okey.  Don’t stab your friends in the back.  I know the stakes aren’t as high as they used to be but you would all be a lot happier if you had more honor.”

“Okey.  I get it!”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine.” “Jeeze!!  You’d be almost dead if it were a thousand years ago!  Get livin!!”

Talking with this ma had become a chore.  I knew he was right about my life but I Didnt like hearing from a stranger.  I was about to leave when he began again.

“Ya know.... ...your generation is lucky it gets the time it does, but your life would have more meaning you had less time.  You guys get eighty years on average but only ten of them are worth talking about.  You spend the the rest living in a box.  For god sakes!!!  Stab one person!!  When my first wife died I stabbed my best friend for insulting her.  Did I regret it?  Yes but I had the gumption to do it.”

“Sounds psychotic.”

“Kind of.  But I had fun.”  

“I’m fine.  I don’t need to live an exciting life.”

“Most people don’t live any kind of life.  Ya move to the city, drink at a bar once a week, and call that living.  Nothing exciting happens during your time.”

“I’m living through a war.”

“I cut a man with a Sabre!  I also got cut with that same Sabre.  I remember when the blades became obsolete.  China brought guns to the table.  I had to learn a new way of fighting.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“Now I’m gonna die.  And in all my years I’ve come to realize the futility of it all and that’s what makes it worth it.  You’re born to walk the earth in search of meaning, you find meaning, and the meaning is ripped away from you.  I used to think I had a curse.  Now i feel it to be a blessing.  I got to live several lives.  Once i got over my existential dread it became an adventure.  I made friends who have died but they still mean as much now as they did when alive.  Now people live twice as long.  I managed to keep my friendships longer within the last two-hundred years.”

“You don’t feel that they’re more meaningless?”

“Nah.  Like I said....I got over that dread hundreds of years ago.  Although I don’t talk to many people now a days.  I enjoy my solitude.  Every now and than i’ll talk with a curious person who wants to know my story.  Like you.  Although, I’m not sure how interested you really are but you’re still here.  I enjoy company but taking in the world alone is something I crave now.  Ive been, happily, alone for the last thirty years.  Just thinkin.  Reflecting on my life, other’s lives, and the future of man kind.  Sadly, I won’t get to see it.”

We spent the next hour talking about life.  Not just his and mine but all of life.  He talked of past atrocities and what that meant to him.  He brought up the inquisition and how many people were killed.  He talked of Genghis Khan and his destruction.  I asked him about the twentieth century atrocities and he acknowledged em but lived to long to give it much thought.  He seemed romantic and distant to his life at the same time.  He talked of people he killed the most.

“My favorite way to kill was through the stomach into the heart.  Looking them in the eyes while life drains from them.  I hold a special place in my heart for the people I’ve loved and the people ive killed.  If i stab you in the heart I you mean more to me than the person I liked.  I remember everybody I slaughtered this way.  The people I love have a similar place.  My favorite was Lenore.  I remember every night with her.  Every kiss and every fuck.  She means more to me than any any other lover or victim of my blade.”

“How did you get over her?”

“She was both my lover and my victim.  At the age of forty, after twenty years together, she wanted my head.  Out of respect, I accepted the dule.  She got me in the stomach but it was I who made the fatal blow.  We kissed one last time and it meant more to me than anything.”

“Jesus!!!  Thats psychotic!”

“Was more common than you think.”

“Why did she want you dead?!”

“Family issues.  Ive moved on.  That final kiss was closure for me.  After her I took on few lovers and fiends who could match how she made me feel.”

“How do you go on knowing that you may never find another love like that?  That any love will just be meaningless compared to what you once had?”

“I don’t look at it like that.  Sure she made more of an impact than any person ive had the pleasure of loving or killing, but I don’t think about that while I’m having another experience.  I enjoy the times ive had and I don’t let the past make me miserable.  They’re little memories I collect during my life, But they don’t define my future.  Anyway, its harder to take many people seriously now considering Ive had so many experiences with people.  Now I’m just waiting to die.  I think that’s all I have to offer today.  I think that’s it.  If not today than tomorrow.  I wish you luck during your life.”

I slowly get up to leave when he touches my shoulder.

“Were you looking for this?”

The man hands me a photo.  The photo was of Mary.  Its the Polaroid I was looking for.

“Wow!  Thank you!  I was looking for this!”

“I found it here when I first got here.  Just laying in a pile crap.  There’s a note in the back.  I didn’t read it yet.”

I left the old school house shortly after the man handed me the photo.  I got the old photo.  Somehow I didn’t feel as excited as I thought I would.  As I looked at Mary i felt the way I did when I played old video games from my childhood.  Like I was looking for the finale of a rom com instead of an old memory from my past.  This wasn’t real.  

I wake to the sound of my doorknob jiggling.  I let out a quite moan and the noises stop.  I remain silent, wondering if I actually heard the noise.  I didn’t hear any foot steps walking away.  Perhaps it was a dream.  Maybe ive been loosing my mind.  I have been living in this basement with people I don’t know for about two and a half years.  One person is an aggressive bi-polar man, another is a coke dealer, one is a “wailing woman”, and the last room is filled with five men, three of whom , I assume, are dead.

      Its just me....in the dark......waiting to see if this person is about to, violently, open the door and “destroy” me.  “Damn!!!”  I said as i realized that I forgot to lock my door.  I felt vulnerable.  I spent the next ten minutes waiting.  Nothing.  

My love's immense

My love's motivation

My love's pain

I lie here, listening to every foot step. It's getting closer. I hold still and brace what's coming to me. Although, I'm not sure what's coming. I've been dead for a hundred years......waiting.

It took me a few years to realize I was dead. I just woke up in this dark and small room. I thought I'd been kidnapped. No! Just rotting in what thought was hell.  I've been mistaken this whole time. You see, there's a waiting list when you die. I found this out listening to the voices that would echo through the night. I know it sounds odd that I'd figured out that through screams but I've had a hundred years to figure it out. A lot of people die. It's only natural I'd have to go to the back of the line.

The voices are my only company. Without them I would go insane with boredom. I've heard many stories of death while I've been here. Most memorable was of a little girl who died of a knife wound. She’s been here fifty years longer than I.  If i yelled loud enough she could here me.  She would talk with me and comfort me.  I fell in love with this woman.  Than one day, after twenty years, she stopped talking.  

We would discuss the lives wer had lost and our feelings towards the after life we were heading to.  She talked to me for fifty years.  Twenty years she was my best friend.  We talked about how we died.  Her of a Knife wound in Russia. Me of, what I presume to be, a train wreck.  She kept me calm through the fear of this door-less room.  She kept me entertained through the boardom I had felt.  For fifty years she would talk with me until one day she found out the type of life I had lived.  I was a killer.  Apparently one of my victims found her.  I was on my way   I guess she talked with others.  I was on my way to my next victim on that train ride.  I told her everything.  She stopped talking and just like that, after fifty years, I was alone again.  

I would hear her talk every now and than.  I would yell for her and her voice would fade.  After ten years I gave up.  Another fifteen years she reached out to me.  “I apologize for leaving you without so much as a warning.  I was always under such an impression that who you were in the living world showed how you’d be in the after life.  I was wrong.  The after life is much longer and this purgatory we’re in is just the beginning.  My time in this room is almost over and I don’t think our paths will cross again.  I only wish we had more time to talk.  I don’t have a lot of hope for my souls and you would have allowed me a brief rest from this pain I feel.”  I was happy to hear from her after twenty five years of being alone on this bed in this dimly lit room.  I asked the one question I had never asked her.  “What is your name?”  She didn’t answer.  I would never know who she was.

BANG!!! "GET OUUUUUUT!!!!!"

I woke to the sound of a bang and my roommate screaming at me(or...i think it was me). I jolted up, terrified. She's been sick for a while. I didn't think it would get this bad. She started being more aggressive and harrassing me at night. She had been unstable every time i'd come home from work this week. At first I would just here her talking to herself. She would talk about hurting herself and the rest of the house mates. I didn't take this seriously at first as she's had these moments before. She would regularly make blanket threats to the whole apartment. I just stopped taking it seriously. Although, I wasn't sure so i made it a habit to locked my door. It was only recently I would here breathing outside my door. I was scared of my own house. This is the first week I've felt threatened.

BANG!!! The pounding continued. "Who is it!!" There was no answer. I started to shake. "Why is she at my door.?" I kept asking myself this question until I heard the breathing stop. I was confused as the banging stopped as well. I sat on my bed, waiting an hour, listening for a noise. Nothing. No breathing, but there were no footsteps walking back or a body hitting the ground. Maybe she wasn't there. Maybe I'd just had a bad dream. Maybe I've been dreaming for the past week and half. This is why I need more friends. Going home after work for two months straight will make your mind play tricks.

I waited.....just stairing at the decayed walls. Thinking of how this place could make you crazy. There were scratch marks on the wall next to my bed. I'd scratch the walls during nights I couldn't sleep. I guess you could say it was due to mild depression. I'd come early and just stair at the walls. The nights I'd bring a woman home I'd just tell them the scratches were there before I rented the room. Than I started to wonder if I wasn't making up the pounding on my door. Just a trick created by my lonely mind. It wasn't my sick roommate but my desire for company during the night. Yes, she would yell and scream. She constantly makes sounds like she's being attacked. Yelling "Stooooop!!!!" Even though she's always alone. Alone in that room like I'm alone in this room. If it weren't for work I'd talk to nobody.

   Rain pouring, men smoking, and people screaming.  Another late night at the store.  I’ve spent six nights in a row here.  I just want spend one night at home.  My girlfriend has been yelling at me for weeks about these late nights.  I hope she doesn’t leave me.  Karen told me she is at the end of her rope, but I need to pay the rent.  My friends have stopped coming around as the store is a mess.  The few employees I did have have started to stop coming.  Apparently less than minimum wage and ten percent off merch isn’t enough to keep a loyal staff.  It’s all I can afford to pay them.  The store has made such less money this past year.  Which has kept me from enjoying life.  At least I’ve made friends.  Some of the late night crowd can get pretty exciting.  I just wish that “drifter guy” would come in or something.  

     I don’t scare easy but this guy makes me feel uneasy.  He started coming by two months ago.  I didn’t think Mitch at first.  This city is full of weird characters.  I get yelled at by strangers multiple times a week.  However, this guy is different.  He doesn’t appear to be angry.  He seems crazy but lucid.  I can’t explain.  He smiles an odd smile.  Crazy behavior but he stares with purpose.  Or so it seems.  I can’t tell.  He would always seem to be a bit closer the nights i was in a bad mood.  Fight with the woman......He would be two shops closer.  Family member disappointed in me.......three shops closer.  I didn’t notice at first  but he seemed to be following my mood.  I noticed when My mother got hit by a car.  He was a whole street closer.  I noticed how much more unsettling he was.

     His body seemed to defy the rules of age.  His skin made him look like he might in his early 70s but his eyes looked young.  He had this poise and energy which made him seem like he might be younger.  He would only smile.  The smile looked like he might need help. Like what little hope he did have was draining.  As if he were waiting for a release.  Like he was trapped in that body.  I felt that we related because I felt as if this store stole the golden years of my life and there was no way of escaping.  In a way, I felt like  I could never escape this store.  Like in his mind I was staring back at him.  He made me feel like I could relate for second but he would never approach the store.  Just get closer than farther again.  Day after day.  It has been only recently I have begun to fear for my safety.