feel free to change any pronouns, etc. || may contain some nsfw!
âItâs amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.â
âWhy am I alive when everyone around me has turned into meat?â
âRule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio.â
âDonât let them catch you with your pants down.â
âFasten your seat belts â itâs gonna be a bumpy ride!â
âI may seem like an unlikely survivor with all of my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome, but I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family.â
âI survive because I play it safe and follow the rules.â
âI avoided other people like they were zombies even before they were zombies.â
âNow that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people.â
âNo names; keeps us from getting too familiar.â
âSo, _____, you wanna stick together? âLeast for a little while?â
âIâm not easy to get along with, and Iâm sensing youâre a bit of a bitch, so, uhâŠso, I give this relationship to about Texarkana.â
âYouâre a peppy little spit-fuck, arenât you?â
âYou might wanna buckle up, yâknow, for, uh, safety.â
âI can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves.â
âWhatâre we doing here?â
âWell, take a look â itâs a goddamn Hostess truck.â
âI could use a Twinkie.â
âAre you fucking with me?â
âWhereâs the fuckinâ Twinkies?!â
âI hate coconut â not the taste, the consistency.â
âHey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl.â
âI have a case of chronic anxiety.â
âMy whole life, all Iâd ever wanted was to find a girl, and fall in love, bring her back to meet the folksâŠâ
âIâm here for you, okay?â
âDo you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?â
âOh my god, I am so fucking sorry!â
âThe first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me.â
âYouâre like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.â
âYou wanna feel how hard I can punch?â
âIâm worried about you.â
âYouâre gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?â
âBelieve it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date.â
âSomeday very soon, lifeâs little Twinkie gage is gonna go empty.â
âTime to nut up or shut up.â
âYou got a pretty mouth.â
âSomeoneâs ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.â
âRule number twenty-two: When in doubt, know your way out.â
âTry not to freak her out.â
âSo you did all this for a Twinkie?â
âDonât talk about me like Iâm not here.â
âYou need some help?â
âAre you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody elseâs story?â
âI never had headaches like this until your ass came on board.â
âIs it better to be smart or lucky?â
âThank god for rednecks!â
âGotta enjoy the little things.â
âYouâre not gonna shoot them, are you?â
âJust drive slow and keep your eyes peeled.â
âHow about we play the quiet game?â
âI hope you find whoever it is youâre looking for.â
âYou donât know who Willie Nelson is?â
âSheâs only famous when sheâs Hannah Montana â when sheâs wearing the wig.â
âYouâre about to learn who you gonna call⊠itâs ghostbusters.â
âIs that how you say âhelloâ where you come from?â
âI havenât cried like that since Titanic.â
âDonât make me drink alone.â
âI donât even know your name, but this is actually really nice.â
âYou know, between me and you and âWhat About Bobâ â youâre actually pretty cute.â
âI mean, you got the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that.â
âHey, a little help moving the couch?â
âYeah, thatâs probably for the best.â
âYou are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.â
âI canât believe I almost kissed him.â
âTrust no one, just you and me.â
âThis is the problem with getting attached to someone: when they leave you, you just feel lost.â
âHey, you werenât exactly gonna score, anyway.â
âLook, you ever read that book, âSheâs Just Not That Into Youâ?â
âYou canât make yourself too available.â
âIâm not great at farewells, so⊠âThatâll do, Pigâ.â
âThatâs the worst goodbye Iâve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.â
âNot as fun as I rememberâŠâ
âMy mama always told me someday Iâd be good at something. Whoâd of guessed that something would be zombie killing?â
âWe better start working on our apology.â
âSome rules are made to be broken.â
âNot bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.â
âWithout other people, well, you might as well be a zombie.â