( ᵗᵉ ᵉˢᵖᵉʳᵒ )

“yeah, you not caring? what else is new,” dayoon scoffed. “you’re an idol. you knew what you were getting into, and even if you didn’t, it’s been eight years. no one’s been fucking messing around– things just get delayed sometimes, jackass. the fact that i have to explain that to you like you’re a baby is another issue, but you’re not entitled to everything going smoothly. i fucking guarantee that the crew are more tired than you are. they’re the ones dealing with the equipment, they were here long before us setting up, and they’ll be here long after cleaning up. they don’t get to lay around and complain about things taking too long when they get a little sleepy or hungry, either. get some fucking perspective, you spoiled fucking whiny bitch.”

“siwan, you’ve been in this industry long enough to know that delays happen. no one could have foretold that the lighting would malfunction and they would have to take time to repair it. by refusing to work, you’re ensuring we’ll be here for four more hours,” fuyuko answered, almost begging at this point. at the end of the day, whether it was fair or not, his behaviour reflected on her. she would be the one the director would shout at, and who would get disciplined by the executives later that week.

fanservice? aegyo? we don't know her. if traxx is doing a cute concept then he will play the part but !! the only way you'll get him to do any kind of fanservice off stage is if you hold him at gunpoint tbh

siwan very rarely will accept gifts from fans. his reasoning is that a) why would he accept things from strangers? b) most of the gifts are either plushies or headbands or toys and he honestly has no use for them so he'd rather reject them because he would probably end up throwing them away anyway. sometimes he'll accept a letter or two but even then he doesn't really keep them.

there's quite a few fancams of siwan during fansigns just,,, arguing with fans whenever they ask him to wear those stupid hats and headbands. it's nothing really serious, just silly banter, and most times he'll stare at them very unamused. "my job is to sing not to act cute."

fan: "oppa will you marry me?" siwan: *shrug*

he's super active on social media ( especially instagram ) and makes new post like four to five days a week. however, that doesn't mean he interacts with fans a lot ?? like if there's a menpa he only replies to the same three fan accounts, his fancafe posts are usually just a random pic without any sort of caption or title, most of his instagram posts have replies turned off... and you get the idea lol.

probably has an instagram dedicated to pictures of his cats ( luna and byeol ) only.

airports are his worst nightmare. the mobs and the cameras and the waiting... siwan is an introverted, hates crowded places and is very particular about physical touch so you can imagine the amount of stress he has to go thru every single time. ( i mean, at least during concerts there's a barrier and security is actually able to do their jobs properly y'know ). i guess this can apply to almost every idol schedule oops.

2010.

after returning from school, siwan starts working on a routine for the next monthly evaluation. he may not be the best dancer in comparison to other trainees, but he's worked hard to refine his own skills since he first became a trainee. but lately, he's been feeling as if he was lacking. it wasn't the usual missteps or simply getting the wrong moves, his concentration is elsewhere, the energy in his movements was gone.

he wasn't sure of how to fix this.

he has seen other trainees take the 'go hard or go home' too seriously, and that's not something he'd ever do. it was stupid and harmful. but-- maybe if he tried a little harder, pushed a little more, he'd find that spark. there's also the lingering feeling that making that extra effort would be a waste, was it even really worth it? being an idol isn't really his dream but he has worked hard for this and throwing it away doesn't really feel like an option.

he stopped and stared at his appearance in the mirror, hair disheveled and sweating. he wasn't happy. doesn't recall ever feeling this stressed. he wonders if things will eventually get better, remembers some of his siblings telling stories about how fun their trainee days had been-- difficult but fun. he sighed as he continued to stare at himself. any motivation he had when he entered spotlight was fading away. 

2012.

it's only after they are done filming their first official music video and get to see the final result, when he hears his voice through the speakers, that it finally hits him. this is his life now. he hadn't given himself the chance to really wrap his head around it, that this is really happening.

siwan let's out a shaky breath.

a part of him thinks that this is a dream. fear, that's the most prominet feeling. he's been working so hard for this, what happens next? all he ever wanted was to prove that he was worth something, to make sure that his mother didn't give up on him. he feels exhausted and lost but this is only the begining. he shakes his head, right now is not the time to be having an existential crisis.

2014.

deep down, siwan wishes that he hadn't become and idol at all. at first, he had joined out of a fantasy that his mother had ingrained in his head. but when it comes to it, what he has gained from it can't compare to the sacrifices he had to make to get where he is right now. he feels stressed and anxious and scared most of the time. siwan often wonders what would have been if different decisions had been made. what would have happened if he hadn't debuted in traxx? if he hadn't followed his mother's advice? if he hadn't auditioned for spotlight in the first place? he contemplates on them more than he'd like to admit. there are too many days spent questioning everything to the point his head spins.

exhaustation is a constant part of his life, it has been for years. ever since he became a trainee in spotlight. but he feels the fatigue now more than ever before. everything feels so uninspiring and bleak.

2019.

siwan forces himself out of bed, arrives at the company way too early. he dislikes having meetings on the weekends, even though as an idol weekends are not very different from the usual work day. there's a lot of talking and he's aware that even if he speaks, idol's voices are very rarely listened. meetings are just an excuse for the company to tell them what exactly is expected of them and how things are supposed to play out.

a couple hours later, he stands outside of traxx's practice room, the one he's come to resent so much over the years, in bewilderment. everything feels numb. a solo debut. traxx has been caught up in scandal after scandal for a while now, it feels quite absurd, but he accepted it without much comment. siwan has almost no creative input but he's okay with that, he's not really interested, the less things to worry about the better.

2020.

“or– and hear me out, because this is crazy– … maybe you’re my friend and i’m excited to have you on my album, even if it just started as a way for you to get out of work,” andy answered with an eyeroll and a smile, shaking her head a little. “yeah, you’re right, but oh well. now i have songs that can connect with three times the people, because i have even more languages they’re in. and it’s a pain, but it is kind of special…”

“I don’t know why you’re snapping at me–I was trying to get away from the cameras too,” Seulgi said. “I didn’t agree to doing any kind of show.”