until i return.

If you were to guess the most difficult part in Jeon Yena's career path, you might just assume it was getting scammed in her childhood - it had been a rocky situation, after all. Her mother had forked out more money than she even had just to try and help her daughter, and then it didn't turn out to be real, and their money was never returned. It was difficult, for sure, but that's not quite the hardest thing she's faced.

In 2015, Yena went through a very difficult time that very few people know about. She finally debuted, and it was everything she could have hoped for. She loved the girls she was promoting with, she loved the group's image, she loved her company, and most of all, she loved performing. It was a good time, but it was very short-lived. Seven months following her debut, the group disbanded due to financial issues within the company. They didn't want to take a risk with this girl group, so they gave up and told the girls that they would be demoted back to trainees.

Most of the girls stayed in the company, patiently waiting for another shot - but Yena fell into a very deep sadness and left the company, returning home to be with her mother. She thought she had achieved her dreams after fighting so hard for it, and even losing a shot at a normal childhood along the way - and then it was gone with a snap of the CEO's fingers. In her mind, it was her fault. She hadn't been good enough, she hadn't tried hard enough, she could have done something to protect the group; but truly, it wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault except the company's, for deciding that they were ready to debut the girls and then hitting the back button.

During that period in her life, Yena almost gave up. She lost sight of what she was aiming for and almost decided that she just wasn't good enough to be an idol, and she never would be. Her days were spent putting herself down and thinking about all the tiny mistakes she might have made while pursuing her dreams so recklessly. Instead of the always-smiling, bright and friendly girl that most people know her as, she became negative, insecure, and pessimistic.

When Yena was informed of the week's plans, she was happy, to say the least - everything about it seemed so much easier and more fun than the week prior. What she wasn't so happy about, however, was the team she would be working with. Two of them were absolutely fine, and then... Chanmi. Yena didn't have any personal beef with the girl, but she had experience working with her for the second episode, and.. Oh boy. She was really a handful. Yena had had a hard time keeping her cool. However, she was still going to try her best to only focus on helping the team and improving herself, not picking fights - that wasn't who she was or who she wanted to be known as.

The first day that the team got together, Yena was all smiles and motivation. She wanted nothing more than to make her teammates feel comfortable and content with her. But, after the lines and positions were distributed, she became a bit more serious. Her mind switched into work mode, rather than play mode, and she knew it was going to stay that way until their performance. She watched the choreography video a few times - at regular speed, sped up, slowed down, and at regular speed again. She wanted to make sure that nothing went unnoticed by her or any of the other members; she wanted it to be as good as it could be, even though she knew they wouldn't present it as perfectly as SPICA had.

That first night, she stayed in the practice room long after the others had filtered out. She wasn't keeping track of what hour it was, or how long she'd went without a break, she only focused on dancing and sharpening her moves. She wanted to be impressive to the judges and to anyone watching from home and she didn't think she was at a level where she would stand out in her group if she didn't try hard. When she couldn't dance anymore, she ran over her lines - although they were easy enough, she still had to memorize them.

The following day, her limbs ached something terrible, and she was really regretting her decisions. She didn't say anything about the pain- she kept a smile and offered pointers to her teammates where she thought they were be useful, and accepted pointers that were thrown her way, as well. When night approached, although she wasn't satisfied with herself, she left at a reasonable, yet still late, hour. She didn't want to injure herself for trying too hard when it was only the third week, and not even a difficult song - that would be embarrassing. Plus, she'd have to admit that it was because she had an inferiority complex, and that wouldn't be good for her ego or her image, either, probably.

For the rest of the week, she was a lot more quiet and solemn that she had been the previous weeks, but she still made an effort to be kind and friendly when she was approached. She started what she hoped would bloom into a friendship by conversing with Minah a bit, who wasn't even half as frightening as Yena had assumed - and that was great, but she still felt a little out of place and just not like herself, though she wasn't sure why. She tried her best to keep smiling, but she'd find herself frowning before she even realized her expression had changed. She only hoped that people watching from home wouldn't notice and make a big deal out of it when she didn't even know what was going on with herself.

When the day to perform arrived, Yena was back to grinning and being social. She was still feeling so incredibly strange, but she knew that if there was one day that she should truly be careful, it would be the performance day. The cameras would be everywhere, so she might as well put a great amount of effort into keeping that happy expression on her face. 

"Are you ready?" The voice surprised Yena and she visibly flinched - she had been daydreaming. She offered an apologetic smile and nodded once, rising to her feet. "Sorry about that. I'm ready," She responded, then allowed herself to be lead into the confessional room. She didn't dread it as much as she had the first two weeks - instead, she was viewing it as what it was - an opportunity to express her feelings truthfully. She sat down in front of a camera, her posture straight and her head held high. 

"Hello, Yena. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm feeling great! I woke up in a decent mood. I was just caught daydreaming a little bit - couldn't help it. I just feel so happy," She answered genuinely, her smile seeming to grow. She wasn't sure why she woke up feeling so good, but she wasn't about to complain - a good day was something well-needed.

"Glad to hear it. Now, how did you feel when you were informed about the week's plans?"

"I was excited! It seemed a lot more fun and easier than last week, for sure. Plus, the song my team was assigned is fun. I used to like it a lot, so it was a decent surprise! Actually practicing was something else. It was stressful, but we powered through."

"How do you truly feel about your team?"

Yena couldn't help but laugh a little bit - sure, it was the same exact question as the week prior, but that didn't make it any less amusing. "I like them. Chanmi.. Well. I don't have anything personal against her, but I wish she was just a little bit more cooperative and understanding. Other than that, she's fine. I don't have any complaints about Hana or Minah. That's how I truly feel," She spoke, ending with an amused smile. 

“How are you adapting to dorm life?”

"I feel really comfortable now - it's been three weeks, so I guess that much is to be expected. I finally stopped walking into the wall late at night, thinking that's where the door would be. That's always a good thing, right?"

"Do you think your team did well?"

The assignment of the week manifested as weight on Yena's shoulders, and she was full of nervous energy. To learn eight songs was a big enough challenge on her own - but having to work together with five other girls, assign positions and lines, and make sure everyone is synchronized? Well, that's asking for trouble, isn't it?

But on the very first day that the team got together, Yena acted like she was full of confidence, her smile appearing as bright and sunshine-y as ever. What else could she do? Showing her uncertainty or complaining about the assignment wouldn't do anything except give her an image that she didn't want to become known for. She studied performance videos of all the songs with great intensity, not wanting to miss anything that might be important to the performances. Her smile was temporarily gone while she studied the videos - it was almost like she was looking at the assignment as a job. And in a way, she was. She wanted it to be perfect. Not just for herself, but for her teammates, too. And as a dance trainee, she figured that she might be able to pick up moves that most of the others might not notice.

When it came time to actually begin practicing, Yena was practically bouncing in excitement. She was still tense with stress, but real progress was waiting to be made. She kept a hopeful outlook, even when a few choice team members couldn't get the moves after hours of going over them, or when others complained a little too much. She could feel tension brewing, and she didn't want to be the one to snap the thin line.

As the days went by and the time for the performances grew closer, Yena's determination grew tremendously. She thought she couldn't possibly try any harder, but she proved herself wrong on that one. She practiced any time she got a chance, and when she couldn't be in the practice room, she was softly singing her lines to herself to remember them or doing dance moves where she had the room. In the actual practice room, she danced until her muscles ached for a rest and then danced some more, making sure to give her teammates pointers whenever she saw something that could be better. But, for the most part, she knew that Mirae would keep them in line - that much had been proved by the young girl's outburst at Chanmi. Yena almost found herself snickering mid-dance as she remembered it.

At the dorm, Yena didn't have an eased mindset. She still sang her lines, still practiced the dance moves, still focused on the task they had been given. She wasn't the playful girl she had been in the first week - her smile remained in place nearly as often, but something had changed. Now she was knuckling down. She was desperate to improve her rank, despite the fact that she surely had enough time to do that in the next few episodes, as well. She figured it would be best to get ahead as soon as possible and show everyone keeping up with the show that she's a force to be reckoned with.

The night before the first day of performances, she made sure to get a whole eight hours of sleep - she knew others might think that that was the time to be practicing the most, but she figured it would be best to be in a good and energetic state of mind so that she wouldn't forget any lines or movements at the last minute. She would have to present the best version of herself possible.

Yena was beaming when she met up with her team the next day. "Hey. Did you all sleep well?" She asked, her voice trembling just a little bit from her nerves. She made sure to take the time to talk to each of them individually, offering little pep talks because, well, that's just who she is. She figured that with almost eight years of training under her belt, maybe her advice could be helpful in some sort of way. Hopefully.