The Mind of Mattie.k

A giraffe sperm being inseminated for #TBT ? As in the beginning of a species that doesn't even EXIST!? More like #throwbackbackofathursdaythatneverhappenedinthehistoryofanythursdayinhistory

and that's #GAYCODE ...

I saw a woman who looked like Charlize Theron today whilst I was leaving work... and when I say "Charlize Theron," I mean it in a "Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos in the movie 'Monster'" kind of way.

I found a single sperm in my driveway.. I demand to know who is responsible... Little do you know, mutha fucka, I now have your DNA.

A sweatshirt from #forever21 ... either they are endorsing the soft drink or #LindsayLohan is now a buyer for the company.

sending love and support to cece mcdonald....

...but it was just Mariah Carey's "Glitter" album.

I'm not religious but I could deal with this.... #drank

i've had this on my mind a long time and it's eating away at my soul... i have to get this off my chest.... As we know I am a devoted unicorn lover.... but no one understands that when i say i am a "unicorn rights activist, liberator, and breeder," i am.... COMPLETELY serious. The government has kept the laws I had passed to preserve the unicorn species a complete secret from the general public. Only select members of the UN... (NOT THE UNITED NATIONS, YOU MORONS, "UNICORN [protectors] NATIONWIDE. [the P is silent]...know of the existence of these laws. I am the leader of this Unicorn/human alliance. I, alone, know the location of the unicorn sanctuary and wildlife preserve. They are the world suppliers of rainbows and glitter (yes, glitter is not man-made) and toaster strudels (the original recipe, that is.... how do you sleep at night knowing you live a lie, pillsbury dough boy?). I have overseen the breeding of the unicorns to preserve their species. They are very well taken care of by former Cirque Du Soleil performers (because they're kinda magical, too). One day, I hope to achieve the full liberation of these whimsical creatures; to let them live in peace across the world, outside the preserve. I need to rid the planet of the unicorn poachers. They must be stopped. I'll keep fighting (don't worry) to make sure the death penalty is given to people (as well as their families) who hunt and kill unicorns for their magical horns. Now you know my secret... Soooooo yeah.... Let the madness begin.

2013 was a hard year... not just for me, but so i hear from many... this was hands-down the worst year of my entire life. a break-up after 7 years, losing my job of 6 years, totaling my car, drama, etc... one thing after another in rapid succession... and, the most unthinkable tragedy, the death of my best friend, which whom i've known for nearly my entire life. it was a life changing year. i knock on wood, in hopes that 2014 will be... not necessarily GREAT... but "okay." in all honesty.... i just need to catch a break. a lot of us probably feel that way after this year. with that said, i want to let everyone who has been let down by 2013 know that you are not alone. we've struggled, we've lost, we've grieved. some of us are STILL going through it.. i know i am. but we need to realize there were SOME good parts... i know there were a handful of good times... you can't have a 365 day marathon of flat out doom and gloom, it's nearly impossible. so we need to be thankful for those moments. they may have been few and far and in-between, but they happened. they must've held a dear place in our hearts because if you look at it this way: we fucking made it. look at everything that has happened this year and carry the good moments into 2014, leaving the old bullshit here in 2013. i think to myself, "2014 HAS to be better than 2013," (again, knock on wood) "what else could possibly go wrong?" (for the third time in this passage, knock on wood) I also think that i shouldn't approach it like this... i'm going to try my hardest to look at it this way: all we have is here and now. if i made it this far, maybe... just MAYBE... everything will be okay. time just has to run its course. and i hope 2014 will be the year that we are all... okay. I wish each and every person i know and beyond that you have an amazing new year's eve... to end 2013 on a good note... and i hope 2014 brings everyone new joys, great life experiences, and balance. here's to a new beginning. again i say: we fucking made it. <3 . -mattie.k

retail woes.... SHIT RETAIL CUSTOMERS ASK... PART 5.

For all you retail workers out there, here's some tips on how to survive your shift during the biggest shopping day of the year.

jpmetz and i are getting married... and other useless information.

my roommate and i embodied CALVIN AND HOBBES for HALLOWEEN!

i told ihategeese that the geese weren't going to fly south for the winter.... this is the last thing i saw before i blacked out....