An Honest Confession as a Writer.
I am an author in the process of healing.
I encountered a huge issue: I gave in to the "Hustle Culture," and I was listening to gurus and motivational speakers like Joe Rogan, David Goggins, and writing Influencers and teachers like Stephen Pressfield, and trying to be as productive as Brandon Sanderson. I was writing professionally, and I was putting myself under extreme pressure to perform. I would think, "I must finish this" or "I have to write even if I don't want to," and it made me burn out hard, to the point where my brain just rejected writing, and I couldn't do it anymore.
But I'm going to make a conscious shift.
I converted to Christianity last year, and I started reading the Bible, and there was one verse that really hit me hard. In the chapter, Jesus is teaching on letting things consume you and take the place of God, and he says,
"For what good is it to gain the whole world and lose your very soul?"
It made me think about a lot in my life, but I thought about my writing, and I thought, "I've replaced writing for passion with writing for affirmation." I wasn't writing because I loved it anymore, but instead I was writing to medicate my CPTSD and doing it so that people would like me.
I was writing to prove my worth; I was writing to prove that I deserved to exist.
But I was at an impasse. Because, every time I acted in the writing persona I had constructed for myself, I felt disgusted. Every bit of content marketing I did, every skit or pitch, I felt disgusted. I felt gross because it was an act. It wasn't ME!
So I said "no more!" I decided to reject all of that. I redid my website, and made it my hub. I decided that I was going to do what I wanted, write and make what I wanted. I post and ghost on Instagram and TikTok so that my work gets visibility, but not the dopamine of engagement. I post random things on here and add random things to my itch.io, like experimental games and pixel tilesets (all free btw, unless you feel like tipping). I decided that I would be defiantly me. I refuse a market. I make what I make, and like it or dislike it. I refuse to be a persona anymore.
So, I am who I am. I make what I love. I put my passion into the world. I am me.