i'll return leading the pack

The most painful parts of the day are the ones where you're giving your all. Every little piece of you is screaming and you're just staring into nothing. Trying to cope with your mind, with yourself. You're just fighting trough your toughts, no sign of life in your eyes. I have no idea about how i am supposed to explain this. Laying down on the floor, sobbing, holding back the tears. Memories flashing by in your mind, things that used to make you happy. The things that you're greatfull for are slowly leaving. And then you get there, your lungs collapse they shrink. Your heart stops for a second and you gasp for air. The tears start coming and you're not holding back anymore, you're not fighting. You're home alone and the one thing you can think about is getting trough this, asking yourself how long will it take this time? How long will you be lying there? I am broken inside and you're the one who heals it every time. You tell me not to do this, you tell me that it aint right, that we'll never be able to. I'm hurting everyday and it happens to get better whenever i got you.

26-01-2019 So i have just relapsed... i have cut myself again after 3 years of being sober. I immediately regretted it whenever i saw the blood coming, but the pain was just so familiar, it felt kinda good. The ease in my mind is back the noise is gone. I feel better now. After days of yelling voices in my head there is some silence now... i was stupid enough to think that for once i might have just been good enough...

It is an every day challenge, not to freak out whenever life gets tough. My path is both colourful and dark at the same time. You can see the light at the end so you start running and that’s how you won’t realise there’s still a bumpy road you’re walking on. At least i don’t. Whenever it gets better i feel like i can handle anything, like i can’t lose but i can. It can get darker again and i can start behaving the way i don’t want to. So i feel empty now, not good enough, a freak. And that’s the worst thing of them all. I’m used to feeing too much and now i do not feel anything at all. If i could just explain myself to the world, open my mind for everyone i love... but i can’t. I push people away with my panic attacs and heavy moodswings and there is nothing i can do about it. 

I feel like i’m getting better at realising what my symptoms are, i can feel my chest shrinking and my heart pounding. I can push the “stop” button as my therapist told me to. I can listen to the voices trying to bring me down and compare them to the facts. I can almost rely on myself. These voices are still the strongest, will they always be? I don’t know, i tought they would but i feel a little stronger now. I can see that these voices are not the same as the real world, they’re made up. They’re pieces anxiety crawling back from my past trying to drag me into the dark again. But i am still standing, walking, smiling, going. Is this because you give me that power? Or is it all by myself? I think i’m actualy doing this myself because i do not want to make the same mistakes again. Still you are giving me the power by understanding me, being there for me, you’re teaching me. I still have a lot to learn i’m not there yet at all. But hey, i’m recognising the voices. Now i’m hoping to be able to let them go all on my own one day... 

You know, maybe i should start all over again. 

If i would kill myself, why would anyone miss me?

How could i be so stupid, thinking that i could be special...

My boyfriend doesn't understand why i want to be alone with him sometimes in stead of with his friends, it's just too much people. I can't.. i try a lot to enjoy myself when i'm with him and his friends and i do have fun, but when they're gone i'm just so relieved! Then i'm sitting there only with him, safe in his arms... but he doesn't understand how hard it is...

All the love! ♡

We don’t have much money me and my mom, because dad left us last year. And that’s where i feel the most terrible... now we have to buy a new car, but we don’t have the money. My neck hurts like hell but my heart hurts more, i really tought that things were getting better..

Especially for that one girl at school. She was gone for two weeks and that was a big relieve for me. But guess what, now she’s back. Being happy, jumping around like a damn foal. Ugh i wish she stayed away from my school because it makes everything worse. And nobody understands how hard it is to be confronted with her every day at school.

People are having a lot of tun with each other and it hurts, seeing all that hurts. They’re telling me that they have no time but i can see them having fun with others. I can feel my stomach turning and my heart breaking when i can see that they’re having fun and i’m out here doing nothing. Asking myself why. But sometimes i gotta stop taking everything so personal. I’m feeling so small today.

I hope that i’m going to become better because i hate it that i get mad so easily. I make more enemies then i do friends. I feel like i’m losing my friends one by one. But i read a quote today and it’s exactly the way i think about life right now.

Well, here i am again. I’m back after all this time. who cares anyway. I think i’ll be a little more active on here now, because this feels like a therapy that actually works even if it’s just a little bit. I’m so sorry if i steal your time or if i’m also useless on here. It just helps me breathing again and getting my mind straight. For those who don’t know. I’ll start over. I have no idea who i’m talking to and if anyone ever reads this but here we go... I’ve been depressed for a while, it’s been almost 2 years ago that i hurted myself just to feel alive. I was “strong enough” to “overcome” the voices in my head on my own. At least i tought i was... I don’t cut anymore and i’m actually grateful sometimes that i’ve found the power to stop. But my head isn’t always quiet.  I’ve been misunderstood (still am), mistreated, heartbroken, bullied, scared, and so on. Just like all the other persons who can see the world coming at them like one big mess. I do still get panicattacs and scream my lungs out when i’m on my own. I can still hear voices in my head telling me that i’m not worth it, that certain people don’t really care about me. I’m still scared to be with loads of people, i just can’t handle the stress... So this is me... but again, who cares anyway?  Right now, this summer it’s going up and down with me. Like a rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters -_- I’m scared as hell when i get on one (i did it once, never again! me and my mom were both holding each other cursing the ones who told us that it wasn’t that bad) I plan things to look forward to, but nobody wants to come with me. It’s also funny how i tought i had made a couple of new friends like a “squad” (that’s how they call themselves). I really really tought that i  finally belonged somewhere, but it didn’t last long. They’re doing awesome stuff together, without me... I haven’t heard anything of my friends. They haven’t asked if i wanted to go somewhere or do something, they just went with other people and left me behind, alone at home. If i don’t start talking to them i wouldn’t have any conversations at all... I’m lucky that i have my boyfriend, he is very caring and he has a lot of patience with me, he holds me at night trough my panic attacs and always knows what to say to make me smile again. We do have our fights but who doesn’t?  Sometimes i want to give up again, but the will to stay strong roars louder than my demons inside.