A juxtaposition in fate

looking up an artist i used to follow fairly regularly a decade ago & wondering what happened to them & see that they've gone silent for a while now then looking up a friend i've lost complete contact with & wondering how they are only to see all their socials have gone silent for years as well. i wonder and worry but i also realize i'm pretty much doing the same thing. i haven't posted anything for a long while now. i keep wanting to but something always interferes & my energy to do anything just plummets. i wonder if it's the same for them too. i hope they're safe and that they're okay where ever they are.

I have been feeling very lost and detached with my art lately especially animation. I went to art school, took animation as my major, tried getting into the industry only to be met by the abhorrent treatment of artists here in my country (and i guess everywhere honestly). The salary i got was only enough to get back the money i had to put out for my commute to the studio and for one meal i ate through out the day. They reasoned “you gotta produce more if you want to earn more!” How when my mental state is at the negatives at that point for feeling so betrayed and disillusioned about everything. Needless to say I was filled with regret for having pursued this career and wished I went for a more “in-demand” or “stable” one even if my heart’s not in it. At least the bills get paid and maybe my self-loathing would be way less? IDK. I didn’t take that route in this reality. I’ve just been trying to survive by taking on freelance illustration work and have mostly abandoned doing any form of animation at this point. When I made this account to repost old works I’ve done I didn’t think much about it since it’s made at a time I still have an abundant drive to create despite my circumstances. I figured it’s just for archival purposes, maybe a reminder to myself of a time I was incredibly active artistically. Then I went into the tags and saw people expressing amazement and joy on what I made. It’s such a sketchy, unpolished piece too and yet people loved it. I cried. I want to go back to that point where I was able to create easily and freely. I feel like I’ve let everyone, including myself down. Seeing those comments made me sad and angry at myself. I want to go back. I want to be that person who created that again. I want to try to be happy with my art again. I want to love my art again. I want to try... For those who might read this and have been tagging kind words to my works, thank you. It’s through you that I want to start back up. I want to try this. I will try to create again.