LES BÂTARDS

"Even more so," Kieran added. "Look at the size of him. You could be his destroyer, and yet here you are with a handful of his feces."

Jack grimaced up at Kieran. "Have you ever loved?"

"Yes, myself, constantly."

"Ew," Jack groaned. "It's not about the... I don't know, the servitude. That's just, like, part of the deal. It's about the comfort and love that the dog gives you. The companionship." Lil' Jack barked, almost as if in agreement.

"Fascinating," Kieran muttered in response, rubbing his chin in contemplation.

"I don't know why I have to explain this to you. You of all people should get it."

"Why so?"

"I mean, you're lonely as fuck."

"Eat your words, hermit."

"Pfft," Jack spat with a laugh. "Tell me I'm wrong. Weren't you the one who texted me to hang out for the last three days?"

"I felt pity for you," Kieran defended.

"Sure."

"I have plenty of other friends with whom I could have spent my time, you should be thankful."

"Name three that aren't related to you."

"There's the friendly airhead with whom I tan in close proximity," Kieran listed, putting up one finger. "And Alec, whose energy could compensate for two whole people. So there."

Jack rolled his eyes. "If you really had that many friends, we wouldn't be hanging out now. I mean, we don't even like the same things. You just got to know me because of Parker."

"Isn't it good that I branched out?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess." Jack glanced down at his dog, who was very intently examining a fallen acorn. "How about this—I told Elaine I would farm-sit for her tonight while she makes an overnight delivery. I was gonna bring Lil' Jack but he honestly doesn't like sleeping anywhere outside of my bed. Would you be down to dog sit him tonight? Just like keep him company, feed him at 8, and then you can leave once he falls asleep."

"Me? You want me, who just verbally eviscerated you as a dog-owner, to watch your dog?"

"Yeah," Jack confirmed with confidence. "Lil' Jack is, like, the chillest dog I've ever met. And he's a little bitch, just like you. You'll get along great."

Kieran flashed a middle finger.

"Come by at six." Jack tugged on his dog's leash and started back toward his cabin.

"I didn't agree to this," Kieran called out.

"See you later!" Jack sang.

-

"What the fuck..." Kieran stood with his mouth agape at the nearly empty refrigerator. A bag of white bread, a pint of white milk, and a mason jar of white yogurt were all that occupied the top shelf. The only color that occupied the space was a sliced-up steak in a Tupperware marked 'LIL JACK'. Kieran gave the dog, sitting beside him in anticipation, a nasty side-eye. "How is it that the only real food in this house is reserved for you?"

He watched in disdain and amusement as the dog lapped up the small pieces of steak off the floor.

Had the privilege of living with Parker colored Kieran's perception of how common folk actually ate? Was it standard practice for dog owners to live in starving conditions while their animals feasted like kings?

'To feast on meat while my servantly owner starved,' Kieran pondered. 'Then to make him pick up my excrement with his own hands! The lowly remains of my fine dining and a reminder of his servitude to me!'

Kieran laughed and shook his head. "Wow," he whispered down at Lil' Jack. "You really are a little bitch."

-

"Why are you still here?"

Kieran's eyes flickered open. The room was dark with the TV still going in front of him. Lil' Jack was curled up on Kieran's lap and Kieran's fingers were curled up in Lil' Jack's fur. A smug grin formed on Jack's face.

"Well, look who's getting along."

"Alright, fine," Kieran admitted. "I did find his company to be quite comforting."

"What did you do?"

"I fed him his dinner—which was pitiful to find, by the way—then sat on the couch and watched telenovelas with him until we fell asleep. His comprehension skills are disturbingly high, you should consider training him bilingually."

"Um, I can barely speak English, so..." Jack shrugged. "Anyway, Elaine actually just made the delivery and decided to make the drive back tonight, so you can go now. That is if you can stand to leave your new friend behind."

"Don't flatter yourself. Or your dog." Kieran lifted the sleeping dog off of his lap and onto the couch.

"Okay, but clearly you enjoyed his company, so."

"Fine. I'll admit that I was wrong about dogs. Or at least this one," he relinquished. "His company was quite pleasant. But you were wrong about one thing too."

"And what's that?"

Even all the way over in New Orleans, I heard all about these demigods living in New Athens, this metropolitan city on Long Island that was built by the gods. Freakin’ nature spirits have been gossiping about it from coast to coast, saying the streets are paved with marble and there are fountains of youth. And you know what? I believe it. The Greek gods love to meddle in the affairs of their children, cause them problems and then make up for it by giving them all these extravagant gifts. Probably makes them feel young again, like they’re more than just pretty figureheads sitting on golden thrones.

But there’s no metropolitan haven like that for the kids of the loa. There aren’t even that many of us to begin with, definitely not enough to stand up to spirits that have way better things to do than spoil their kids. And you know what? It’s better that way. I don’t need a rich god daddy to build cities and subsidize my living for me. Nah. I love living high-flood-risk, mold-infested, landlord-controlled housing.

Freakin’ love it.

The real inconvenience is all the crap I inherited from my dad.

Like, take this guy for instance, the one that’s staring me down from the other side of his blinding headlights. First of all, inconsiderate. Turn off your damn headlights, asshole, you’re gonna give me eye damage. Secondly, why is this guy looking at me like I’m going to kill him? I’m literally standing here in a parking lot, completely unarmed, while he’s staring me down from the driver side of a literal automobile. In terms of danger, I would say the redhead’s got the upper hand. But even so, I can’t totally blame him. I know the look he’s giving me.

My dad—er, sorry. My sperm donor’s got a real intense look about him. Makes sense, with him being the Master of the Dead and whatever, but it’s not really a look I wanted for myself. I try really hard to dress nice and carry myself well, but these freakin’ purple eyes and the comically-on-the-nose skull-shaped vitiligo across my face really don’t help my cause. The kids in middle school used to say that it was a tattoo, that I applied bleach on my skin in the shape of skull to look cool and that it probably messed up my eyes in the process. The rumors got so bad the principal pulled me aside to ask if I was engaging in ‘potentially harmful cosmetic procedures’. I told him to go fuck himself.

Oh, that’s the other thing too. I can’t control what comes out of my mouth sometimes. I’ll be thinking one thing and something completely unrelated, and oftentimes pretty vulgar, will just come flying out. I’m not even much on cursing, it just happens. Another thing I get from my dad, apparently.

“I have her,” the ginger calls out to me from behind the beams of light. “She’s in the backseat.”

It takes a full ten seconds for my eyes to adjust from the vicious assault of his headlights. Then, the shape of a person starts forming through the backseat window. “Holy fuck.” Pardon my French. “You really went for it. I didn’t ask you to break her nose.”

“Yeah, well…” He trails off into a mumble, like he’s embarrassed about it. “She deserved it.”

If this guy didn’t have a chick tied up in the backseat of his car, I would’ve pegged him for a total soft body. One of those only-drinks-bottled-water types.

Eh, I still do.

“Bring her inside,” I instruct. I don’t stick around to see how he’s planning to get her out of the car without looking suspicious. Whatever. Not my job. I key card my way into the motel room and wait for him to bring the girl in. I watch as he slings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and waddles his way toward the door. “You can set her down on the bed.” He does as he’s told and drops her down onto the nasty bedding. A little blood smears onto the sheets, probably adding another layer to the hooker blood and cum that’s already baked into the bed. “Does she need medical attention?”

“Nah,” the ginger responds. “I mean… Probably not. They’ll just give her some ambrosia back at camp.”

Ambrosia, wow. The literal food of the gods and they just give it out to their kids like cough drops. Freakin’ Greeks.

“Well, I need her awake to talk.”

“She was awake half an hour ago.”

“And now she’s unconscious.”

“Yeah, but she was awake before.”

“And now,” I repeat slowly, “she is un-con-scious.”

Ginger sighs and kneels by the bed. He slaps her unceremoniously across the face a few times. “Be gentle,” I plead in a tone that sounds very unintentionally sarcastic. “You already broke her nose.”

“Hey,” he barks. “Wake up.” Jesus Fictional Christ, this guy is a brute. “Hey, do you hear me? Wake up.”

The girl stirs and pushes his hand away. “What do you want?”

“You’re awake,” I state, reiterating the obvious. “Good. I wasn’t in the mood to dig a grave tonight.”

The girl lifts her head and grimaces at me. “Are you Gabriele?”

“No, you’ve got the wrong number. I’m Roy.” I stick out my hand for her to shake, but hers are tied. “Oh yeah. Sorry.” I drop it.

“What the fuck do you want with me?”

“I heard from a little birdie that you’ve become quite the budding, young necromancer.”

“She’s what?” Ginger looks at me concernedly.

“A necromancer,” I repeat. “Reeling spirits back from the dead like a nasty little fisherman.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she spits.

“Au contraire, I have friends in all sorts of places. Cities, villages, the woods outside of New Athens.” The color drains from her face. Well, all the color except for the crusty red stain around her nose. “Nobody is ever truly alone, you see. Even the most desperate of men, on their last dying breaths, as they succumb to the fear that not even God is watching over them… There is somebody watching. It may not be their god, but someone is watching.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Right to the point, then. Good.” I sit down on the opposite end of the bed, giving enough distance to make sure that none of the blood she’s spitting gets onto my jeans. “The gods are not happy with you.”

“Hades?” Ginger chimes in.

“Yes, that’s one,” I respond with a nod. “And Hel, the Norse goddess. And the Shinigami. Ever heard of them? In fact, Chitragupta, Xipe Totec, King Yama, Xorn—all of the gods are pretty mad.”

“Why are they mad at me?” The girl’s voice cracks as she speaks. I can tell I’m getting into her head. “I I have nothing to do with them.”

“But you do. You see, when you disrespect the laws of one god, you disrespect them all,” I explain. “The laws of life and death are sacred, no matter which theology you subscribe to. The living belong in the land of the living, and the dead belong in the Underworld, the afterlife, Heaven and Hell—whatever you want to call it. But if one underworld starts giving out free passes to the land of the living, then all of the spirits in all those other places I mentioned are going to start to get jealous. Suddenly, you have millions, if not billions, of undead hearing about this one girl who managed to get her brother a second chance, and they all start to think, why shouldn’t I get one too. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

The room is silent for a moment. I think that means my explanation worked.

Thank freakin’ god.

A bit of a sidetrack confession here—I’m totally lying my ass off. All the other gods probably don’t give a shit, it’s not like the dead are going to form an uprising against their literally omnipotent, all-powerful overlords. In fact, one of the gods I mentioned was actually an X-Men and I’m so freakin’ relieved neither of them seemed to pick up on that. If I’m being real here, I’m just doing this because I was hired to.

The third reason it’s inconvenient to be the son of a loa: all the gods suddenly assume that just because I have these powers that I’m entitled to use them to help others.

Look, all I ever wanted to do was listen to classical music and play Animal Crossing in bed, eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Arizona Iced Tea. Hades was the one who sought me out and thought, ‘hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea to ruin this kid’s life by making him into a mercenary for all these tiny deities and death spirits to use at will?’ And, like I said before, spirits and gods love to gossip. One death god heard that there was a mercenary willing to do the dirty, busy work and they recommended him to a friend, who recommended him to another friend, who recommended him to another friend, et cetera and so forth. And all the while, my New Horizons island is in freakin’ shambles because nobody is giving me a free day to clean up all the weeds that have sprouted all over my outdoor-waterfall-patisserie.

“So what do you want from me,” the girl repeats, “if not just to kill me?”

“Nah, yeah... Nah, yeah, I understand… Thanks for the update.”

I abso-fuckin’-lutely do not understand.

Major’s in the fucking hospital? Major? Gabriele was pretty clear about the distinction, so what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Is Major... Back? Did he find a way to get rid of... That other guy? Is what I’m doing right now a complete mistake?

There’s a muffled cry from behind me.

“Oy, shut the fuck up!” I yell at the girl tied up in the backseat of the car.

Okay, I reckon this might look problematic as, but this girl probably did the same thing, if not worse, to my best friend just a few months ago. I wouldn’t have tied her up and boxed her nose if she didn’t bloody deserve it.

“People will be looking for me,” Linnaea whimpers.

“What people? Nobody even knew who you were when I went asking around. Do you even have friends?”

“Fuck you,” she retorts. She’s probably choking on her blood because I can hear the mucus and bubbles warping her voice and it’s fucking gnarly. Linnaea gurgles and I hear her hock the biggest, wettest loogie known to man.

“Oy, cut it out!” I hiss. “This car’s a rental!”

“Fuck you,” she mutters back.

I check the GPS and we’re still thirty minutes away. Not really sure where I’m going, but the guy messaged me to meet him at this address. I think it’s a motel but there was no website, so your guess is as good as mine.

I peek back at Linnaea in the rearview mirror. Her eyes flicker open and closed. She looks like she’s about to pass out.

“Hey,” I call back. “Hey, you better not pass out. You might choke on your blood and I don’t want a corpse in my rental.”

“I’ll die if I want to, fuck you.”

“No, you will not!”

“Killer.” I hear Linnaea hock another loogie onto the floor.

“Oy! You wanna hiding? I told you not to spit in the car!” Fuck! How do I even get blood out of upholstery? JTT probably knows. I’ll have to come up with an explanation for how it got there. Or maybe not, JTT is kind of an airhead.

“Where are you taking me?” Linnaea mumbles from the back seat.

“Uh,” I hesitate. “I don’t know, a motel?”

“What do you mean you don’t know? What’s on the GPS?”

“I don’t know, I just put in the address the guy sent me.”

“What guy?” Linnaea pauses. “Are you… Working with someone?”

“Oy, I told you to shut up!” Fuck, this girl’s sharp.  Shouldn’t have said anything.

“You’re collabing on kidnapping me?”

I sigh. It doesn’t matter if she knows, right? “All I’m gonna say is I’m not the only bloke you pissed off lately.”

I hear Linnaea’s breath quiver and it makes me feel gross for a second, like I’m committing some sort of crime.

“You’ll be fine,” I assure her, even if I don’t know if that’s the case. “He really specifically told me to bring you alive, I reckon he’s not trying to hurt you.”

“Then why did you punch me in the face?”

“Because you bloody deserved it,” I mutter back.

I don’t know if it’s because she’s panicking or because it’s getting too hard to talk with her bloody, mucousy throat, but Linnaea finally shuts up.

The rest of the drive is filled with silence and it’s kind of annoying because I start to wonder again if I’m really doing the right thing. I mean, I have a killer in my backseat. And a fucking necromancer. That’s witch shit. That’s not natural.

And yet I still feel guilty for bringing this girl—who murdered my best friend—to a total stranger that I met out on the beach one time. I mean, how do I know that he’s not actually gonna kill her? Sure, he told me that he was a demigod and seemed to know an awful lot about stuff, but that didn’t mean I could trust him, did it?

Then I remember his offer.

“I can bring your friend back.”

How did he know? I hadn’t told anybody what Major—no, Lucien—said to me on the street that day. How could he have known? And was he telling the truth?

There’s only one way to find out.

“You have arrived at your destination,” my phone chirps. I roll up into the parking lot of a dingy motel. The kind a middle-class accountant might rent a room at to fuck their also-married-and-unhappy accountant coworker. The kind where you’d find an old needle sticking out of the bathroom garbage bin. The kind where someone might go to murder someone else.

I see the dude standing outside one of the rooms at the end of the long building and park right in front of him. He stares right into my headlights and I notice for the first time that his eyes are a deep, unnatural purple.

“If I do this for you, you’ll get Major back, right?” I had asked him on the phone last night.