Greetings everyone. I know Iāve been absent for a while and I just want to let you guys know whatās been up. I wonāt go into details but in September, a misunderstanding led to an explosive argument between me and my sister and I ended up being painted as the bad guy. Although I havenāt seen a therapist or anything, Iām pretty sure this incident has given me PTSD. At night Iāve been restless, with negative emotions and thoughts clouding my mind. Iāve become sensitive to confrontation and abuse of any sort, especially yelling and physical assault, such as a physical attack, or whipping, hitting, slapping etc. If Iām watching a TV serial where these things occur, it is enough to trigger me and remind me of that awful day. And I never used to react this way to these things before. For these past months Iāve been sensitive to things way more than I should be. There is not one day that goes by where I cannot get what happened out of my head. You should know that Iāve always striven to make my parents proud of me; this is what I centered my whole life around growing up. But after what happened, I felt like my life had been wrecked; ruined. Since that day, my sister hasnāt looked me in the eyes. If Iām anywhere in her presence, she will look away bearing a look of disdain on her face. I have two younger sisters and you should know that our relationship is very strained and distant. Despite living our whole lives under the same roof, weāre practically strangers. If I spoke to them I was greeted with insolent behavior. Itās been this way since we approached adolescence, but I never thought anything of it, thinking it was normal younger sibling behavior. Growing up, although I respected them, I always found them to be annoying, since we are polar opposites and share no common interests. Perhaps I should have done more for them; given them more love and attention. If I had, karma wouldnāt have caught up with me. I see now that what they feel for me is not normal sibling annoyance; itās contempt. They look at me as if Iām beneath them, like Iām unworthy of their respect. I felt fury, humiliated, and ashamed, with myself, all at the same time since September. My emotions put me through hell and mental/emotional torture and draining. Iām currently in the process of healing and I donāt know how long it will take me, but I know Iāll be okay. And recently, I told myself that enough was enough.
We all have one life. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Every life is precious. You do not deserve people who get in the way of you being happy. You deserve to surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart, who bring out the best in you. Who makes you feel happy, who makes you feel present. LOVE YOURSELVES MORE! Because you deserve the best in the world, and so do I.
Aside from all this I really want to get into the habit of updating these blogs again. Currently Iām in university trying to get by anatomy and passing all my classes that require intensive studying. In my third year, Iāll start clinicals so Iāve just been busy with life and overall growing up. In all honesty, I donāt find myself as passionate about Black Butler as I used to be, and for this reason I donāt think I will do roleplay and ask responses with the characters as Iām not as invested in the series. However I am up to date with the manga. The Royal Tutor blog on the hand I feel most comfortable working with at the moment, since the characters are a bit more easier to work with. Iām also updated with the Royal Tutor manga as well and my upcoming posts may be related to recent chapters, so stay tuned for that! I donāt know what the future will hold but, I hope you guys will still have me!
